My Friend Irma: Irma Is Convinced it's Jane's Birthday

The broadcasting system presents a new comedy. My friend Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis is Jane, with John Brown as Al and life Erickson as Richard. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect plan shift.

Where other friendships have been forgot to? You can't go anywhere in life without friends. And I believe that.

That's why I live with my friend Irma. She's a sweet girl and I love her. I love her very much, but she's... Well, as a famous philosopher once said, those who thirst for knowledge always get it.

My friend Irma's been on the wagon for years. That's the truth. Like the time she was preparing dinner and I said, Irma, honey, why are you putting both of those cabbages in the stew? And Irma said, You know the old thing, Jane.

Two heads are better than one. Well, this should give you a rough idea of one of Irma's rough ideas. And it's little things like that which have made me what I am today. Practically a nervous wreck.

It's got stuff. So I resolve that nothing Irma can say or do today will get me riled. Because Sunday is my birthday. And so today I'm just going to relax. I am in complete control of my emotions.

And I was pretty proud of myself because this morning she started tampering with me earlier. with me earlier than usual by greeting me with happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday James Stacy happy birthday to you well thank you honey I appreciate that it's a nice thought except for one small detail what

today does not happen to be my birthday Oh Jane, you just don't want to tell me how old you are. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday there, Jane Stacey. Happy birthday!

Are you finished? Not yet. Too late is Friday. It is not my birthday. Now look at the calendar, honey. If you don't believe me, my birthday comes on Sunday. I don't have to look at calendars.

I have an instinct in these matters. Irma, what do you think of calendars for? Oh, to tell you to drink by insurance and how for a dollar down you can get buried beautifully. Oh! Well, honey, I again repeat today is not my birthday.

So if you don't trust me and you don't trust the calendar, trust Al, he gave it to us. I refuse to look at it. Why? Jane, you know the old saying curiosity once killed a groundhog.

Perma, curiosity killed a cat. Gosh, it's getting to be a regular epidemic. But anyway, cat or no cat, happy birthday to you. Stop, stop, stop. I'll agree to accept my birthday ahead of schedule if you'll just stop singing.

Now, that's more like it, Jane. And since it's your birthday, let me compliment you on how well-preserved you are for 42. 42? How'd you reach that figure? Well, life begins at 40, and when you met Richard, you said life was just beginning for you, and since you've been working for him for two years, that makes you 42.

Let me ask you something. Though I really care. Why are you so intent on giving me a birthday today when Sunday really is? What's the point? Well, today must be your birthday otherwise, why would you get a telegram?

Everybody knows you only get telegrams on your birthday. A telegram means a birthday. I don't know how long I can restrain myself and keep from yelling at her, but I am not going to break my promise.

I promise. I'm going to save up all my yells. And tonight when it's dark, I'm going up on the roof. And for a full hour, crouch there and bay at the moon. Irma, would it be asking too much for you to let me read my own telegram?

Well, I'll give it to you tonight when you blow out the candles on the cake I'm going to bake for you. Honey, listen, it might be important. I'd like to see the telegram now. Alright, Jane, but I don't see why you should be so impeccable.

impeccable. Uh-huh. Now, where did you put the telegram? Now, let me see. Well, when the messenger gave it to me, I put it in my right hand. Then when I signed it, I put it in my left hand.

Then when I was washing the dishes, I put it in my mouth and then I ate it. Army, you didn't. Oh, don't be silly, Jane. I wouldn't do that. I'm on a diet. Erm, where is the telegram?

Where is it? Think, think, think. Thanks, Jane. I got it. on the sink. Oh, no. On top of all my troubles, you're developing a lisp. Here it is, Jane. I'll read it to you. No thanks, honey. I'll read it.

Happy birthday to you, signed father. Irma, this is going too far. I think it was sweet of him. Irma, my father did not send me this telegram, but I know who did. You. And you signed it, father. Jane, don't be silly. How could I be a father?

I'm not even married yet. Listen to me, Irma. Now listen to me, I made a resolution that I would not let you make me angry today, but I don't know if I can keep it and I'll tell you why.

To start with, you sold me a birthday earlier than it really is. You are now trying to make me believe this telegram came from my father, but you won't stop there. No, no, not you.

You're going to arrange a surprise party for me. I'll bet you. You'll invite Al, Richard and the neighbors. I can't stop you, but I want to tell you one thing. When you finish Planning everything. Just remember this.

I will not be present at a birthday party, which is not on my birthday. Now, what do you say to that? Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday to you. Oh, little badly. I meant to call you and tell you to bring Jane a present, because today's her birthday.

Oh, now, don't feel badly, chicken. Even if you hand reached me, I couldn't have afforded a present, because my new deal just fell through. Oh. Aww, honey, that's all right, Al. I'll bake a cake tonight and I'll say it came from both of us.

It'll be my own special recipe. It's a three-layer cake, the first layer is cake, and the second layer is icing and the third layer is wax. Chicken, what's the wax for? Well, it's a lot quicker than waiting for the candles to melt down.

Hi, Al. Hi, Jane. Gee, I'm sorry I didn't bring you a present, but I would like to week you. Don't say it, Al. I've been through a lot today. You see, Irma thinks it's my birthday and it's not until Sunday, Sunday, so look, Al, will you do me a favor and straighten her out?

You know, after all, you're gonna marry her someday, and I think it's time you sat down, had a little talk with her. Do you mean like a man-to-man talk? Any kind of talk? You know what I mean, Al?

Yeah, I got you, Jane. Will you come over in the corner a minute, chicken, and I'll fight her straighten you up. You know, chicken, there comes a time. Thanks, Al. You've helped me a lot.

But honey, I haven't said anything yet. I like it better that way. It's easier to remember. Look, Irma, someday you and I plan to go up to a man, and he'll make us one. Oh, I like that, Al, because then we'll never fight.

Why? Because it takes two to start an argument. You see what I mean? Chicken, with your permission, I'd like to call this whole thing off. Oh, but I just love having these intellectual discussions with you.

But now getting back to Jane's surprise party, which I'm arranging for tonight. Chicken, Jane says it's not her birthday. Oh, but, Al, she gave me the idea for the party. I remember her exact word.

She said, go on. Your type of a range of surprise party for me. See? Well, did you straighten her mouth? Uh-huh. Happy birthday, Julia. Happy birthday to you. Now we stand as of now. Erma and I met, and I'm losing every round.

She's got me on the ropes, and now she's preparing to deal the knockout blow because Richard has just centered the room and Irma is waiting to greet him with hello Richard you're just in time.

Hello girls. Al. Hey what are you doing here having a party? You see even Richard knows. Know what? Irma means that you know that today is my birthday and pretty soon she's going to ask you why didn't you bring Jane a present and you're going to be embarrassed and say why didn't it was her birthday and Al's going to say

Irma's right and I'm going to say I'm not gonna say anything. I promise myself I would not get angry. So what's this all about? Can I see you a minute Richard? Richard far be it for me to say anything but Jane losing her memory and doesn't even know that today is her birthday.

Really? Yes. So you'll have to handle it that... Well certainly I will. Can't be too mumbling about over there. What's her ever been telling you Richard? You certainly don't believe her fantastic story about today being my birthday do you?

No, Jane, but happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Irma was in the kitchen doing, I don't know what. I had the opportunity to be with Al and Richard alone and try and straighten out the situation.

I was saying, you see, kids, today is not my birthday. But when Irma gets an idea in her head, there's nothing you can do to stop it. There's so much room to run around in.

Here we all go out to dinner. Hah, forget the whole thing. I heard everything. They think I'm half baked and I know they're not talking about the cake. I'm only trying to do the right thing and celebrate Jane's birthday, but they're all against me.

But I know what I'm doing every second of the time. Sometimes even oftener. I know what I'll do. I'll just lie down here like I fell and take this empty pot and crack it against the sink and they'll think it's my head.

Okay, here goes. Can you take it easy, put her on the couch. She can open up your eye. Speak to me. This is Al. You're Al. Jane, Jane, I think she's unconscious. Oh, really, Richard? Are you sure?

I don't know. Well, heavens, we gotta make sure. Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll get Dr. Miller to come upstairs. But you drop that cat and tell your father to come up here right away.

Conscious. Right away. What do you need him for? This father, the doctor. Alright, I'll get him. Dr. Miller finally arrived. and he asked to run breathlessly for his diagnosis and finally said,

Well, Jane, I don't think there's anything to be alarmed about. There were no apparent bruises, so the worst it could be would be a slight concussion. Concussion of what? It's hard to say we've got so little to go on.

And now it's the sportsman quartet with a lot of Blasken and his orchestra and their novel arrangement of sipping cider. Come on, sips, sips, sipping cider, sips, sipping cider, sips, sipping cider, sipping cider. Sips, it's a famous We just gal, I ever saw the cell and cider In a grocery store at half-past six

When the sun was set I used to go to see my pet sheet Pull the shade and shut the door Shut the door, shut the door We'd get some cider and a big, long straw Dipping tighter through a straw We've got that first and feet that last What we dipped the most, it got me dipped so fast

We've got till I've straw and it's whipped And that's all I want Dipping tighter Sips, it's a thing When first I saw her with a straw Say hi to her. Say, are you sipping, Papa?

Yeah, I'm sipping, P and P.

I'm a little Irma who never thought of anything bad. I felt so helpless that anything like this should happen to Irma. She's such a sweet kid, so understanding, and so help us herself. She gets so hard to stand by and see her lying there like a frightened cocker spaniel.

Well, finally Dr. Miller came out and I said, Dr. Howie's Irma, tell me is there anything serious? No, Jane, she fell down. But there's no sign of any injury, so I don't think we've anything to worry about.

Oh, I can't accept that. Dr. Irma means too much to me. You see, you see, I feel a great responsibility for her, and when I think of that poor kid lying there and paint it, Well, what can we do? There must be something.

Why do people always say there must be something? I could ease your mind by taking a lot of x-rays, but I don't think the expenses weren't it? She may have a slight concussion, so the only thing to do is not to excite her.

Make her comfortable, humor her. Give her everything she wants, and let nature do the rest. Hello, son. They must either you wouldn't call me. I would have told you the same thing for half-price. I've lost the cat in four years.

Okay, Pop. By the way, my win. Why did you open my can of ether? Mama couldn't sleep last night. It's working. Now they're all going to wait on me. I feel like Queen for a day.

Now I'll go stepfather and make them believe I'm crazy by pretending I'm smart. Jane! Jane! Yes, darling, yes. What is it? Can I do anything for you? Is there anything you want anything at all? Don't get upset.

What can I get for you? What? I'd like to read a little. Oh, sure, honey. I'm sorry. I didn't think of it first. A little strength you had you had asked me. Never forgive myself here, darling.

Hear your favorite books. Here's your giant comics. Here's your Superman and Dick Tracy. If you want to idle away your time, here's your crayon book. You want to read those books? I want to read the Encyclopedia Britannica.

But she's delirious. Remember what the doctor said, you tumor it. Erma Darling, maybe I misunderstood you. I'll bend over so you can whisper it in my ear. Now you save your strength, honey. Did you say the Encyclopedia Britannica?

Yes, but tear the appendix out, Jane. Why? In my condition, I want a healthy book. The crisis is passed. She sounded like the old Erma. Uh-uh. I don't think so, and I'm scared. I'm scared. Irma would never ask for the Encyclopedia Britannica.

I didn't even know she could pronounce it. I'm really frightened about all this, Richard. Well, now, wait a minute. Jane, don't be upset. Well, I'll try something else. Irma, honey, listen. Shall I put on your Spike Jones record?

Well, thank you, Jane, but maybe we'd all like to listen to the Philharmonic. That did it. Richard, Irma has never been sicker in her life. Well, now, Jane, now, just relax, Jane. I'm not sure, but possibly the shock has brought on a hidden intellect that we never thought Irma possessed.

Well, if it has, it's weird. It's... it's unnatural. And I don't want any part of it for Irma. I love it the way she was. Simple and... Well, you know, the way Irma was. Chicken, this is Al, you're Al.

Please snap out of it. If you do, I'll do anything. I'll even get myself a job. There, I said the word. And I feel tired already. But I'll do it. Just during your convalescent period, of course.

Oh, Richard, I can't stand it. I want the old air in my back and I want the old Al back who doesn't work. These changes are coming too fast for me. I'm not a well woman.

I think we need somebody else to consult with besides Dr. Miller. I don't agree with you. I tell you, this kid, Merwin is nothing. I'm not thinking of Merwin. You better not. The kid ain't even got a license.

Oh, Al, but you say, Al, but you say, Al, and I... Heaven's sakes. Richard, what do you suggest? Well, I've got an idea. I'll get our family physician, Dr. St. Clair Howard. He's the head of the staff of one of our best hospitals here in New York and is a favor to me.

Well, I'm sure he'd come right over and talk to him. Oh, that's wonderful. Call him right away, Richard. Who stopped? We don't need a doctor. My mind is just snap back to normal. No, darling. Now, don't excite yourself. You just go along with me, huh?

Janie knows what's best for you. But Janie, I don't need a doctor. Well, I know you don't, dear, but it's a whim of Janie's. You know, do it for me because I give up. Today's my birthday.

There we were. Three people and Irma waiting for Dr. Howard's arrival. Suddenly I heard footsteps coming down the hall and I said, oh thank goodness the doctors arrived Richard. The door opened and in came.

What happened? What is this about Irma? Hello Professor Kapatkin. Janie, what have they done to her? What terrible tragic thing has happened to my little kids on me? You see, Professor, Irma fell down and hit her head on the floor.

This I know, but how did she hurt herself? Well, nobody seems to know. Dr. Miller thinks she might have a slight concussion as a result of the fall, but we're not taking any chances. We're calling in a specialist to treat her.

What for a specialist? I, Cropokkin, will treat little Irma myself with my own private remedy, which never fails. That's very nice of you, Professor Cropokkin, but I think we'd better wait for Dr. Howard. How to treat that little girl?

To me, this is fascinatingly simple. What is wrong with air can be cured with bond treatment. Tea. Tea. Tea. What a beautiful word. Cures everything. Well, Professor Kapak, and we appreciate your help, but tea is not the remedy for Irma.

Jane, you don't seem to realize that a glass of tea tea is symbolical of the whole universe. First the tea leaves on the bottom of the glass. That's the earth. Then the water, that's like the air over it.

And flirting on top, the lemongering. That's the salt. Now, put in a dash of vodka. It's thunder lightning, actually. Please appreciate what you're trying to do, Professor. But honest up, you've got no confidence. The next part of this book is not push.

I'll bring the tea myself. Because I'm ready for this argument. I'm sick. See, that was nice of Professor Kapotkin. But I think he's barking up the wrong tea. I'm a tree-totler. But you just take it easy, honey.

The doctor will be here soon. How are you feeling now, dear? Well, I'd feel much better if you didn't send for the doctor. Oh, well, don't worry. I bet the doctor will tell us that there's nothing wrong with our little Irma, huh?

What'd that be nice? Jane, what if they found out I was faking? I might be, you know. You're sweet. You just don't want to worry me, do you? No, but I'm a little worried myself.

There. That must be the doctor. And soon we'll know everything, won't we? Yeah, everything. Hello? Is this apartment 3B? Oh, yes. Yes. Hello, Dr. Howard. I'm so glad you come. I mean, I present Jane Stacey.

Hello. How do you do? And this is Al. Al. You know, I don't know your last name, Al. Nobody does. Just call me out. Doctor, this is the patient. Erma. Oh, so this is the patient. How are we feeling?

Well, I don't know about you, but I feel fine. So we fell down on our heads, did we? Do you hear anything ringing? Of course not. But would you mind answering the phone? Erma. Erma. The phone isn't ringing.

Well, no wonder I already answered it. answered it. Terrible. Please, please, sir. We're getting along fine. Now, Irma, has the ringing stopped? Yes. That's fine. Now somebody's knocking at the door. This is frightening. Will you all leave me alone with her?

I think I know what the trouble is. Oh, doctor, Dr. Howishie. Miss Stacy, I'm going to be very honest. Don't spare me. I can take it. First, before I tell you, here's a prescription, which contains a minor sedative to settle her nerves.

But what's the real trouble, doctor? What's wrong with Irma? I think your friend Irma is malingering. Malingering? Hunchlyed into the layman's language, Irma is faking. Well, that's impossible. But it's true, and that's my analysis.

Richard, did you hear what he said? I can't believe it. Are you sure, Dr. Howard? Positive. But if you want consultation, I don't mind. In fact, I suggested you call Dr. Miller. He's one of the best in his line.

And I believe he lives in the neighborhood. Oh, he had him and his kid, and they didn't do any good. Anyway, that's my opinion and I stick my medical reputation on it. This girl is faking.

I knew it the minute I talked to her. They never fooled me. Well, goodbye, and by the way, happy birthday to you, Miss Sticks. Who heard what Dr. Howard said? Are you faking? Answer me yes or no?

Yes or no? Giving me two answers. Well, give me another question and it will be even. Irma, Peterson, I see it all. We've just been taken in by you. You're driving us all crazy. Why?

Well, because today is your birthday and I wanted to keep you here for your party. Oh, are you still on that birthday? Today is Friday. My birthday comes on Sunday. Look at the calendar. It says May 2nd is Sunday.

Jane, today is May 2nd. What? Well, look, at the calendar, it says Sunday is May 2nd. Oh, I forgot to tell you something about that calendar. It happens to be next year's calendar. Well, what good is that, Al?

Well, look, Jane, is it a crime to be ahead of your time? Happy birthday to you, Jane. All right, all right. Don't rub it in. I'm sorry, honey, and I apologize. I see now. You only wanted to be nice and give me a party.

I really don't deserve it. Yes, you do, Jane, and it's not too late to celebrate. Come on, we'll all go down to the Ritz and have a wonderful party. Oh, I'm all for it. I never felt better in my life.

Happened to my friend, Irma. It was written and directed by Cy Howard. Fast these days, weeks become months and months become years almost before you realize it.

Ten years from today isn't really very far away. And the savings bonds you buy now will reach their payment date before you know it. For every three dollars you put into bonds today, four will be there when the bonds mature in ten years.

It's the safest investment in the world. Maybe you're buying bonds through your bank or post office, maybe you're buying them through the payroll savings plan where you work. Either way, they're the same bonds. The same high rate of interest prevails.

The same bright promise for tomorrow is yours with every bond you purchase. Remember, time flies. That future you've always dreamed about and planned for will be here sooner than you think. Get ready to enjoy it.

Make sure it's all you want it to be. Protect that future by buying savings bonds today. Remember, next week, instead of dialing your telephone to listen to your best friend, Dial your radio to this same Columbia station, same time to listen to...

My friend, Emma! Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane, with John Brown as Al and Life Eric's in as Richard. Testing sister.