Abbott and Costello: Nylon Stockings with Lucille Ball

The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camels, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haines, Billy Grey as Little Matilda, Mel Blank as the famous Leon's messenger cartoon character Bugs Bunny,

tonight's guest Metro Golden Mayor star of the best foot forward Miss Lucille Ball, and starring Bon Abbot and the Costello. You are Costello, wait as usual. Why, what kept you this time? Ah, I was waiting for an electric carriatic.

Yes. Yeah, and it turned out to be a dame. Boy, did I have trouble with her and what kind of trouble? She tried to kiss me. Yeah, she kept right on Kiss me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin.

Mine a minute. Why didn't she kiss you on the lips? Well, she's new at the post office. And she can't find the right zone. The right zone. There you go again, Costello. I can read your mind like a book.

All I can see is women, women, and women. Where did you turn the page for? You'll find some girls. Hey, a girl. Girls, girls, girls. Every night you're out late with girls. Last night you were out with two.

Yeah, but I only caught one. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Boy, I was she beautiful. I made it down at the low palm. King Johnny's joint. Oh, wow! Was she a gorgeous aircraft worker?

She was? What a fuselage. A fuselage. That little aircraft worker did something to me, brother. No kidding. I took her in my arms. I've felt the pounding in my chest. You mean your heart was beating?

Nah, she forgot the turn off her riveting machine. Nah. Now see her, Costello. You'll have to stop this. Either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all the time, or we're through.

I didn't know you felt that way, Evan. Yes. All right, I promise. I won't get another girl if I lived to be a thousand years old. Hello, my fat little sugar man. How time flies?

Gee, Connie, you look cute tonight. Do you really think so, honey? Yeah. Now I know what they mean by the solid south. Yeah. All right, Costello. Look. Don't get it, eh? All right, look. If you're so anxious to go out with girls, why don't you pick out some nice girl like Connie Hingsley?

Oh, Connie will go out with me. Yes, I will, Mr. Costello. I had a fight with my family tonight, and I want to disgrace them. Hey, what did I tell you? There's no use. I'm surprised at you.

Did George Washington give up at Valleyport? He had a tough time. Never mind. Did Paul Revere give up? No, but Paul Revere had a horse she could depend on. Well, well, you've got me. I'd rather have the horse I all have.

Well, Miss Costello, I'll go out with you on one condition. If you all get me a pair of nylon stockins. A pair of nylon stockins? That's a deal. No, no, don't be silly, Costello. You can get my nylon.

Oh, can't. I can get one pair of two pair. I can get a dozen pair of nylon. That OPA hears everything. Because I'm a fatless sugar man, I see it in a clock tonight with an eye-lawn.

Gee, Abbot, I guess I talked too fast. Where am I going to get a pair of nylons? I want to go out with Connie Haines. Well, why don't you be smart? Be nice to Mrs. Niles.

That's right, Costello. My wife had a pair of nylons, Ducky. No, wait a minute, Niles. You mean a day with those ugly legs spends money for stockins? Well, how... What do you expect her to wear?

Hip-pooch, hair-hip-pooch! Why was that remark? Why was that remark costello? Oh well, a binescent Mrs. Niles in the flesh, and I used the word loosely. Oh, you funny, funny man, and I used the word physically.

Why do you know there's nothing wrong with my legs? Why, I was once a belly dancer. I used to kick my legs way up in the air. Yeah, and on the way down you catch a cow.

Well, why do you fight with Mrs. Niles? Pearl eggs are very attractive. And you kidding? Be so full, I get every time she runs, she looks like a Nate Beater. Am I insulting you? My legs look perfectly straight, Costello. Look at them. They're just like arrows.

Feathers and all. Fenders, of all the nerve, I'm not an old hen. Oh no, get back in here, cool. I'm not getting back in here, cool. Stop that. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. I thought that I said, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick!

For you, please say something! Ugh! No, Thor Slam. Never mind that. Oh, no! Excuse me. Come here, Costella. Never mind what's written in the ass. Excuse me. Have you driven Mrs. Niles out of the studio again?

Oh! Pilot for Navigator, Pilot for Navigator, Pilot Dave, St. Sainte, Sainte. Ha ha ha! I think that's very funny, but I'm only three and a half years old. It's little Mattilda! Mattilda, How are you doing out of school?

My teacher sent me home cause I kissed a little boy. You kissed a boy? Well, it was exactly a kiss. We were eating the same liquid stick and I chew fast my hair. Now, look, I tell you, will you please go home?

I can't. I'll get more. Oh, no, you won't. The train stops at every station. Why doesn't it stop at every station now, go away? Because it's a milk train. Do they have to milk it at every station?

Nah. How do you like a little kid? You're watching all you have to milk a train. Milk a train, milk a train. It's impossible. You can't milk a train. That's silly. How are they going to get a big train that's sitting a little stool?

Ah! Oh, look, Matilda, please. Don't worry, Uncle Louie. He's trying to get a pair of nylon stocking. You can get a pair of nylon stocking for my friend Betty Craybull. How do you know she has nylon?

Because that's where I saw her putting her money. The Bank of America never had branches like that. Wait a minute, Matilda. And maybe you can help Uncle Louie. Do you really know Betty Grebel? Yeah, here's a picture of us on a bicycle. That's me on the handlebars.

Mm-hmm, but why have you got such a surprise? Look on your face. Cold handlebars. Co-a-ha! Redderates on the artistry. No, no, no, no. The Army artillery still pounds a newly won piece of mountainside. Between the bursts comes a signal core, Jeep.

Two men in the front seat and a roll of telephone wire behind. When the line's strong and they're back safely, they'll take time out for a cigarette. The chances are it's a camel cigarette because camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records.

That's one reason why camel cigarettes are packed to go around the world. Pack to stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning anywhere. Yes, and it's a reason why your store may be temporarily sold out of camel cigarettes, but remember, when you get camels, you always get more flavor, the result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos.

Camels tobacco standard is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. See, they are, they are, that's camel cigarettes. They stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. And now back to Abbot and Costello and their search for nylon stockings.

Well, Costello, I guess we came to the right place. Look at that sign. Square deal, bingle bottoms, the happy. Oh, so happy store. Costello, what was that? That was bingle bottom, making a cheerful refund.

I wonder where the hosiery department is. Let's ask this fellow over here. A pod me, mister. Are you the floor walker? What do you think I am with this collation on a flower pod? After all, I'm not a jerk, you know.

Well, you're not trained. Well... If I stallowed on and agonized the man, he might be able to help you, you know. Oh, I think you got something there, Abbott. Mr. Please, mister. I wish you could do something for me.

I gotta get a pair on my lawns. We haven't any nylons and stop licking my hand. It's no use, Abbott. Alright, forget about the Nylons and the date with Conny Haines. Just a moment, gentlemen, I can give you a tip on a real bargain.

And due to a slight oversight in our tailoring department, we have 4,000 pairs of three-legged pairs. Three-legged pairs? That's great! Up to all my three-legged friends! But don't tell them all, remember only one pair to a customer!

Come on, Abby, let's get out of here! I'll know away from this guy, will you? Alright, don't get excited. Wait a minute. We'll try the sales girl here. Oh, Mais, can you tell us where we might get a pair of nylon?

Sorry, I can't help you. You see, I'm in long underwear. Itchy, isn't it? Stop insulting people. Now, there's only one way to get those nylons, uh, little bit to me. We'll have to see Mr. Diddlebaum.

Personally, we've got to do this. Now, come on, here's the elevator. Up, up, up, up, up, up. That's enough, up, up, up, up. Cut it out. Have you tried thinking so to... Hey, look, never mind that.

Alright, folks, step lively. Get a move on. Can you room on a second layer? Are you going up? Yeah, what's up, Jack? What's cooking, Fencho? Cuz, still a look, it's Bugs Bunny. Hey, Bugs, what are you doing running an elevator?

Well, I'm replacing a woman that's essential, Thak. Come on, stop wasting time. Get us up there. Okay, Thak, going up. Go up too fast for your Fencho. No, I always wear my pants at half mass.

Bugs, will you please let us out? Okay, Doc, big florch, you and gun chocolate bar, sweet cream, butter, pea bone steaks, and other postcards. Yeah, but I'm going to murder this rabbit. Oh, no, don't pay any attention to him.

Now, we've got to see Mr. Bigelbottom about those nylon stockings. There's a secretary. Up on me, Miss. Can we see Mr. Bigelbottom? Okay, did you have an apartment? And a pertinent nerve. I want to see him a bird.

I want to see him a bird from New Orleans Stiggins. Big sail and just a mermaid down that second arrow. Oh, thanks. Come on, Herbert. What kind of talk is that? Well, stop talking like that. Hurry up. We'll miss the sail.

Hey, y'all, people. Hey, y'all. I'm not stuck in. Hey, you. You over there. I'll take a pair. First sailing. I'm buying. I must be from Nancy's. Hey, that's Dela, stop holding her out. Look up to that side there.

One pair of Nylons goes on sale in less than a minute. Hey, but the five hundred women ahead of me. Oh, why don't you go on and squeeze through? Oh, just a minute, young man.

You can't squeeze in here. Okay, babe. Let's go outside. Hey, yo. Watch how you're talking to my mother. She's a fistled pack of mama. What are you, one of the blanks? Thanks. Quiet. Quiet, Costello.

Yes, everybody quiet. Everybody quiet, please quiet. We are about to put on sale one pair of nylon. Remember, only one pair. The first one to get to the counter will receive the nylon and free medical attention.

All right, get ready now. Hey, fat, so you gotta win this race, Doc. Hey, boss, what are you doing on my bed? I'm your Jackie, Doc. How can I run fast with you on my back?

Don't worry, I gotta whip. Hey, hey, that's all your stirrup should lose. Take your feet out of my garter belt. Sit down, bottoms. It was a bumpy start, it just still broke fast. Rounding the hard way is pulling away.

At the half it's Costello cutting through the curtain department. Hey, since it's back strapped, it's Costello might walk by six, and now a final drive down the hole. It's Costello all away. It's looking between him and the nylon's.

He can't move. He's across the finish line, and ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner. Hey, what's this guy about Lucille Ball? Come on, you'll give me no stock. Hey, guys, Castello, take your hands off that girl.

It is Lucille Ball. Yes, and you won't get the stockings by wrestling with me. Who wants stockings? I... I... Miss, uh, Miss Ball, I'd like to apologize for this, uh, unseemly condom. I'm butt-abot. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Abbott?

You're the organ grinder, aren't you? Oh, yes, I... No, no! What makes you think I'm an organ grinder? Well, I thought I recognized that monkey with you. I mean, after all, I'll finish the castle.

Castello. Castello, come here. Come here. Quiet. Now, you've got to play up to Miss Ball if you want to get those nylon. Remember, you can catch more flies with sugar than you can with vinegar.

Who wants flies? I ain't got enough points. Wait a minute. Look, Miss Ball, it's very important for Castello to get those nylon stockings. Uh, Mike you, thank you. Yes. Yes, and you don't need them, Lucille.

Who don't need them? Name me two good reasons. What are these two things I'm standing on? Chop, liver? You're on... That's the last estimate, look. Look, you better... You better let me take care of this.

You know, though, after all, we understand things. Women are potty in my hand. Yeah, but who wants a hair full of potty? Ah! Shut up. I don't have you know that I've got that savoir fare.

You ain't even got coffee! That out! Hey, look, Lucia, why won't you give me those nylons? Give you the nylons, you've got a lot of nerve. You're nothing but a cheap pan handler. You're not even a man.

Oh, yeah? Oh, now there's a great-ad lib. And I look at the sheet, that's all. Read what's on there. Well, I think I'll take these nylons home. So long, slugs, see you in the slot machine.

Well, you fixed things fine, Castellum. What are you going to do now? Well, I'm going to dash right out to lose your balls house. Get those stockins and dash right back. Yes, but what if she's putting them on?

Pilot, to Navigator, cancel that glass dash. Here's Connie Haines with a hit-tooth of Oklahoma, the Surrey with a fringe on top. Chick-fil-n-duck, then he said, Hurry, when I take you out in a series, when I take you out in a series with a friend, John Todd.

Watchin' that friend and see how it's flooded, when I drive their past if it's rather no deposed to keep through their shutters and their eyes will fall. The wheels are yellow, the pokes treat brown, the dashboards genuine leather.

I was a glass curtain, you can roll right down In case there's change in the weather Two bright, sad nights, wiggin' and blinkin' Ain't no final rig, I'm a thinkin' You can keep your rig if you're thinkin' that I'd care to walk For that shiny little third where the bridge all looked tall

The last ride along, the council low and the clover I'ma whisper it all, don't you wish we could go on forever Don't you wish we could go on forever? Don't you wish you could go on forever and we'd never stop Then we'd never have to hurry And we'd never have to worry In the shiny little furry where the fringe on the top

I think you'll say that your first pack of camel cigarettes is the best pack you've ever smoked But just wait till you try your second Then you'll see what we mean about more flavor, the result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos Yes, it's camel cigarettes extra flavor that helps them to hold up.

Keep from going flat no matter how many you smoke. Prove that in your T-zone. T for taste and throat. Everybody's own testing ground for camel's rich, extra flavor and smooth extra mildness. And remember, wherever you are, your camels will stay fresh.

Cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. See, air, yell, ask. Camel cigarettes. First in the service. Well, Castello, here we are at Lucille Ball's house. Now remember, you have to make an impression on her to get those nylon stockings.

Comb your hair. It is, condiment. Look, ain't it plastered down nice? What did you use to plast her down? Plast it. Plast it. Plast it. How come your hair so yellow? Mustard plast it. Wow!

Boy, once we go to work on that Lucille ball, I'll turn on a charm. You'd better let me handle it, Castello. She's more of my type. I go for those trim ankles. You couldn't afford the upkeep on an ankle like that.

Why not? That's a very classy joint. Oh, shh. Just stand up here. I'll ring the bell. Never mind. Don't ring the bell. Can you read the sign? Made sleeping. I'll knock. It's about time you guys got here. You'll find the ladder and saw on the basement.

Later in saw. Yeah aren't you fellows from the tree surgeons? I was expecting somebody here to trim my tree trunk. We're only interested in your limbs. Look Miss Ball I'm afraid you have us confused with somebody else. You met us in the department store remember I'm out of it and I'm Costello you must have a

poor memory for faces. Yeah especially for poor faces. Listen what do you guys want here it's too late for Halloween it's too early for groundhog day. Oh wait a What's up, man? What's up? Do I look like a groundhog?

No coaching, please. Quiet, quiet, Costello, get away from here. I'll take care of this. Miss Ball, we're just trying to be neighborly. You know how the laundry situation is, and we're here to help you with your washing.

For instance, we wash stockings. Yeah, yeah, stocking. Yeah. Well, that sounds interesting. Is your laundry service fast? Yes, we bring it back before it's clean. You see, Miss Ball, we're especially expert in the care of My lawn is stuck in. Yeah, my lawns. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you fellas trying to talk me into something?

No, we're trying to talk you out of something. Well, I'm not interested. You have to leave now. I have it. I think was shocked. What am I gonna do? Turn on the charm. Go ahead. Make left to her.

Okay. All loose you. Please don't send me away. I've always admired you. Come sit with me on this love sheet. Take the baby, please baby, and put your feet or your face, your foot, not my hands.

Shutting in my hand. Yeah, now turn it on, Castell, turn it on. Go ahead. Lucille, I've lived for this moment. We were meant for each other. I was born to kneel at your feet. Get this GI haircut with a civilian approach.

Don't sperm me, Lucille. Did everybody go out? Don't sperm me, Lucille. I love you. I love you, Lucille. I love you. I thought you want to look at your face that sets my brain on fire.

I thought I smelled punk burning. Hey Evan, what should I say? Recite poetry to us. Recite poetry? Yeah. Okay. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. If I don't get you, comey man will must.

Just a second. Who do you think you are, Santa Claus? No, why? Then stay away from my stocking. What are you trying to do, fat boy? Fat boy, who's fat? Look at my shape, Lucille.

Of course I go in here, then I go out there, and I go in here a little, and then I go out there a little more than I go in here a little. And that's funny, I don't come back in again.

I'll stop being silly Costello. Everybody knows you're fat. Sure, I was talking to your tailor at Universal. He says he measures you for two days before he even met you. Costello? He's right, Costello. He's a rock, achy.

Look, Lou, why don't you stop all these nonsense? The best thing to do is put your cards on the table. Come on. Okay, Abbot, it's just way loose, he'll. I promised to pair an eyeliner and stock this to a girl.

And if you give me your eyeliner, I'll let you work in my next picture. Threatening me will get you nowhere. Oh, we could do a terrific love scene. Come here, loose you! I'll show you the...

I'll give you a big option. The kiss that made me pay much... Ready? Ready? Contact. Did you learn to kiss like that? Siphoning gas at a car! Well, what if say Lucille, how about a not kiss?

No thanks, I'd rather give you the stocking. You fellas join your backs, now take them off. Come on, Castello, turn around. Yeah, and no rubber-necking. Don't worry, I won't rubber. Ball? I thought it was.

You're just the type that would rubber heal. Well, I hope you're happy, Castello. You finally got those nylons. Now let's go. Come in. Hello, Lucille, darling. I just came over to... Why, my fat little sugar man, what are you all doing here two time and on me?

You all are kids, sir. I never want to see you again. What do you say to that? Well, shut my mouth. Abbott, she did. It serves you right. Okay, so what are we going to do about? I mean, after all?

Look, Connie, what are you treating us like? Look, I got to get you the l- I got you the nylon stockings. Why, show no, honey. You mess your fat little heart. Perhaps it's a gift. I thought you were gonna wear them.

Chuck, no. I'm giving them the loosey of balls. Who's the old ball? Wait a minute. Then who have I got to date with tonight? Not with me, sugar. Not with me, Shorty. That's all. Nobody wants me.

The world's against me. Don't talk like that, Lou. I'm your pal. My arms are around you. How do you feel? I still feel lonesome. Then rest your head on my shoulder, Lou. Okay, Abbott, now, how do you feel?

Much better. Let's dance! Get out of here! Abbot and Castella will be back in just a moment. Again, we send our thanks to the Yanks of the Week, Americans who have distinguished themselves for heroism in the battle area.

Tonight we salute Marine Private John Ellser of Wyatt West Virginia, who's stowed away in one of the landing ships that stormed the Bougainville Beach. In the midst of 18 Japanese pillboxes, he started hurtling hand grenades, accounted for six Japanese soldiers, and aided his adopted unit in taking 16 of the 18 pillboxes.

In your honor, Private Elsa, the makers of camels are sending to Marines in the Pacific, 300,000 camels cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors a yank of the week, sends 300,000 camels overseas, a total of more than a million camels set free each week.

The traveling camel caravans have thanked nearly 3.5 million yanks in this country, with free shows and free camels. And friends, be sure to listen to the four camel radio shows each week. Friday night. Laugh with Jimmy Durante and Carrie Moore tomorrow night over another network.

Saturday night. Bob Hawk in the comedy quiz thanks to the yanks. Monday night. Monday nights. It's Blonde. Thursday night. And of course Thursday night, it's Abbot and Costello with their guests next week, Jane Wyman.

And here's a message of special importance to our women listeners. Today and every day, our sailors are leaving shore posts to help take our ships into action. As rapidly as they go, their stations are filled by waves.

Every girl who wants to serve her country will find life in the waves, active and interesting. And because the service pays all her living expenses, she will, in most cases, earn as much or more money as on her present job.

to your nearest Navy recruiting station or write to Waves Washington 25 DC for the free booklet The Story of You in Navy Blue, Describing Life in the Waves. Here's Abbott and Costello with the final word.

Thanks Ken. Well folks, next Thursday is Thanksgiving and Jane Wyman will be here to help us celebrate. And be sure to tune in everybody. We won't have a turkey but that Jane Wyman, what a chicken!

Woo! Goodnight, folks. Goodnight. Goodnight, everybody. It's a long time. Tune in next week for another great, Abbot and Costello show. And remember, camel cigarettes are packed to go around the world. They stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because camels are packed to go around the world.

This is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant. Goodnight from Hollywood. More pipes smoke Prince Albert. With your pipe one more pipe and you will find out why more pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world.

Open up a big red two ounce package of PA, pack your pipe full and enjoy that rich nut sweet flavor. Notice how easy Prince Albert is on your tongue because it's no bite treated. And see how it packs and burns and draws just right because Prince Albert's crimp cut.

Yes sir, more pipes smoke Prince Albert because PA's got pipe appeal. It's the National Joy Smoke. This program came to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company.