The Adventures of Maisie: Sonja the Smart Dog

Hiya faves! How about a little ouch! Does that answer your question buddy? The Adventures of Maisie, Starring and Southern. You all remember Metro Golden Mayor's famous Maisie pictures. In just a moment you'll hear Maisie in radio.

Starring the same glamour star you all went to see and loved on the screen and Southern. But first you're an out. Yep, I'm made you like a man said, made you a beer. Of course that's just the name I use on the stage.

Lately though, the only stage I've been on is the stage of starvation. Gosh, I haven't eaten in so long my summer thinks my throat is cut. On top of everything else my room rent was overdue, so I went to my land lady to find out about my credit standing.

I found out real quick too. My standing was flat on its face. So I packed up all my stuff and came here to sunny Florida. I figured if I got a turn into a bag of bones, I might as well look like a healthy one.

Luckily, I heard about a couple of agents, Manny and Joe Howard, who were looking for acts for the return of audible. The money wasn't much, I knew, but I needed some dough to keep me going until television blew over.

But when I got the auditioning before the Howard brothers, I saw it had a sneaking feeling that my act wasn't going over so good. But I thought maybe it was just the radiator history when I finished my song.

Oh, Joe, what do you think? Yeah, what do you think? Well, Mr. V, you're a provodiver. Yeah. Well, I think... I'm a partner, too, Joe. Why don't you ask me what I think? All right, genius.

What do you think? Don't I? Please, Mr. Howard. Yes. Mr. Howard. Yes. Let me go on with the rest of my act. This job is important to me. It's important to us, too, Mr. After all, we want to keep water going.

It died once, you know. It dies once more. It's dead. Yeah. They'd like to catch extra chances of going get please. I know you like the rest of my act Well, Joe, what do you think partner? If I could think would I be your partner now?

Look here, mr. Howard. I'm not gonna miss you. I'm a don't fight on my time. So go ahead miss Rivia Thanks Thank you. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, but no applause please. I've got a terrible headache that's a joke, gentlemen.

If you say so, Miss Riviere, I like it. Oh, a G-thang. You like it. You don't even understand it. And now ladies and gentlemen... I don't understand how a chicken lays eggs either, but that don't mean I can appreciate an omelette.

And now ladies and gentlemen... What I'm worried about is will the paying customers get it? Ladies and gentlemen... Ladies and gentlemen... I like it. It's very funny. I can't... Please don't applaud folks. I don't feel so good. Very funny.

Gentlemen, please. I haven't finished. You don't have to, Miss Riviere. If my partner likes your act, we'll put you on the bill. Oh, you mean you'd be willing to book my act? Well, now, I can't give you a positive yes.

But we could give you a positive maybe. Uh, oh. Miss Riviere, you're an attractive girl. No, Joe? Sweetie pie. Yeah, but there's a butt. A little one. You're act is, uh... Lousy? Yeah, but in a good way.

Yeah, I know. Good and lousy. I'm sorry, Miss Rivia. Likewise. But we are still open for acts, something different. And maybe you can tell if you should happen to come up with one. I should live so long.

Meanwhile, Miss Rivia, if you're a little short of money... We could, perhaps. Look, pal. No, with no strings attached. For me, I can speak. For me, too. But am I a wolf type? Well, thank you, fellas, but I'll get along somehow. Dreamer that I am.

I am. It can't good your audition, Miss. Yes. It will good my audition now. I hope you do better with yours, Mr. R. Uh, sure. It's the great sure I was calling Vienna Buddha past all over Europe.

In this country, not so great. Sit down, Miss. Uh, Miss. This year, Miss. Uh, it sure feels good to sit down. I've been traveling all day. I remember reading once some days of a revere a parlour revere.

He rode to Boston on a horse. He was related to you perhaps. Could be. Nobody in my family ever had enough money to go anyplace by train. I don't even have enough to go by trolley.

Who has in this business? Me, the great Schultz, I have barely enough to feed me and Sonia. Oh, your wife, huh? She's a dog. Well, look, saying everything I always say. I mean, Sonia is an animal dog, the smartest dog in the world.

In Budapest, the critics stated, Sonia is smarter than most people. Oh, you have one of those trained dog acts. Not one of those dog acts, Mr. Grady's canine acting the whole world. The greatest Indiana Paris, Budapest is still relying to see Sonia perform.

Yeah, I know. But here in America... The great short stands in line. The unemployment line. Yes, you know, Miss Revia? Yeah. You know, when I first started eating myself, I had no idea what it would be habit forming.

Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Schilke. Not so luck. I'd better be getting back. Oh, there, too, Miss Revia. No, who knows? Maybe I'll end a job as a taxi dancer, something. Ah, but you, Miss Revia, an artist, it's not fair.

Dents in me, all those clums, if all is stamping all over your feet. Oh, that's all right. I'm used with it. My dogs are trained too. Look, bye again. Maybe my dog's ain't so trained.

The left one seems to be crying. Oh, that's Sonia. She's lying under your chair. I think you maybe stepped on her little tail and you stood up. Oh, I'm sorry, Sonia. Sonia said, you're forgiven.

She did? Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't talk very good, dog. Sonia thinks that's a funny joke. funny joke. You see she's laughing. That does sound like a laugh. Hmm. No, one of my act never did so good.

I've been playing for people instead of dogs. Ha ha ha. That was a good one too. Sonia, show the lady your appreciation. Well look. She's standing on her hind legs and clapping her two little paws together.

She's applauding me. Surely, besides being a great artist herself, Sonia also recognizes talent in others. Ha ha. show your admiration Sonia told the artist a kiss why she's doing it with a little paw on her mouth Sonia you are the smartest dog in the world hey Sonia you heard the lady she's following wow she is a ham too

Mr. Schultz how is it possible that a terrific act like yours and Sonia's isn't working personality the booking agents in this country say Miss Maria I have a a great egg but no word no word.

Clap, yeah. Yeah. Don't cry Sonia. Some day we'll show them. But you, Mr. Rhea, you definitely have how you say in English, please. Well thanks Sonia. Yeah the Howard brothers say I've got class but no act.

Funny world, the end of this. I got what you don't have. Yeah and I got what you don't have. But that is right Sonia. We should be working together. Give the lady 12 silver dollars, Professor.

Morgan, that show gets Mr. Vier. If you and Sonia could click. Oh, you heard Mr. Howard? You like? You think it's worth it? I'm sure it can. Sonia here has been trying to work with anybody.

No, Sonia. See, she said positively. Nisra Vier can't handle it. I am sure. Oh, Joe, we need an act for the bill tonight. Clark and Jeffrey's songs and Vitey Patha just canceled, You know what do you say?

You think it's all right, Manny? I'm positive. I think. Then I'm against it. But why, Mr. Howard? Yeah, give me one reason. Look, Mr. Howard, I know I'm not very brilliant. All right, give me another reason.

Gladly, you'll never guess the right than any actor. But you said I've got the class to clear. And I've got the egg that already has clicked? Yeah, I'm one and one, mate. Ha! Ha! You see, Joe, the dog knows more than you.

Oh, then maybe you'd rather have this dog for partner? Now that you mention it, Michael. Please, please, if you'll only give us a chance, let me rehearse Sonya. I'm sorry Sonya, I mean let her rehearse me.

If you don't think we're good enough to open tonight... Then you have lost nothing but your time. Okay, we'll look on the head, head to Miss Rivi, and the door. Give it a couple of wrong truths.

You won't be sorry gentlemen, please stop the show. Yeah, this I got to see first, I'm from Kentucky. You mean from Missouri? I moved. You can use our office to re-hice him, Mr. Villar. He'll be back after lunch to give our lunch.

Good. Come on, Professor. So, yes, we've got to be letter perfect by then. See you at the lunch, gentlemen, and we're going to knock you dead. Me? You don't have to knock so hard. I'm half dead already.

There you are, gentlemen. All science feels delivered. Mr. Schultz will sign the contract at the fair this night. What about Sonia? Oh, he ain't smart enough to sign a name. a name. He means very she. Oh, she'll hear a minute ago. Then we were discussing the money.

That's my choice. He had me to go and man out into the street. Into the street? What's wrong? Well, after all, the dog is in the garden. Oh, sure. Here's the conflict, Mr. Vier. I'll see you later to feel that. And knock them down. I'm counting on you. Yeah, counting on you. Oh, we'll knock them dead,

Don't worry. I better go out and round up Sony. It's a long bus ride to the theater. All right, Mr. Vev. They don't allow dogs to ride on buses. Oh, maybe I can find a Greyhound bus.

I better get Sony to ride me some new material. Goodbye, fellas. See you can add noise. Don't you? Don't you come on, Doggy? You got to get to the theater. Don't you stop hiding. This is no time for games.

So, and you come out already, come out, come out, whatever you are. Sonia, please come here. Maisie gives liver. Looking for somebody, ladies? Oh, yeah, a dog. A little black dog with clappy ears. Oh, it's sort of curly tail, but this high?

Yeah, have you seen that? It's very important. I've got to get it to the theatre for the matinees. Oh, the phrase you'll have to show a long lady, the pooch is picked up by the dog catcher a couple of minutes ago.

Oh, and there's nothing to worry about. Dog catcher. Yeah, they've been picking up all strays about a license the last couple days but they can't do that to Sonya she's smart smarter than most people she's so smart she wouldn't be a dog but they can't do that to Sonya we've got to show a matinee them dog catchers don't know

from nothing miss no license they pick them up over this dog is different smart like a whip while she could practically talk well that their dog catcher didn't know that I'm sure oh Sonya Sonya why didn't you say something The adventures of Maisie starring Anne Southeran will continue in just a moment.

I bet you'd never get here. Okay, Lady, we're here now. Where's the fire?

The fire? Yes, you know the red stuff that burns. Where is it? Oh, there ain't no fire. Okay, men, get those ladders up. No fire? No, you see, I was half out of my mind.

Only half? only have I didn't know what to do so I thought this firebox and the person and it said I know what it said but that's supposed to be used only in case of emergency emergency my dog is lost dog hey look lady we're in the fire business we then you're the right people to help if I don't get that dog back I'll

be fired the dog cat you picked her up lady do you realize a thing like this might mean a jail sentence and don't think that dog cat you don't deserve it either. Lots of people are dependent on that dog with the matinee today. You just got to help me, Chief.

Me? Why the fire department? Because we got to be on the stage in an hour. Hey, look, Miss. Now you look. They always call the fire department when a cat is stuck up in a tree.

I know, but a dog is... Can they help it if they can't climb trees? Can they help it if they have to get into trouble with dog catchers? Look, Miss, all you had to do was go to the city pond and claim my mutt.

Oh, Stonia is not a mutt. She's smart and trained. Jo and Manny Howard, the ages up there, think she's great enough to stop the show this afternoon. But, I'm sorry if I've inconvenienced you a little.

Inconvenious? Oh, no, no, not at all. You see, I like to get the whole department out every so often. It breaks up the monotony of checkers, you know. I'll look him as I've got a good mind.

I couldn't ask for Howard but his to help. They get angry and cancel the act. Yeah, hey, look, all that you had to do was go down to the pound and claim the food. But how old?

Speak how a bus takes too long. I got to be a dead matinee in less than an hour. Well, you could have taken a cab. Well, that costs money. Two dollars, easy. Don't you have two bucks?

I'm in show business. Well, I'm not, Miss. I'm a great big brave fireman, you know? I don't get paid for returning dogs for their owners. Oh. Oh. Oh, look. No, no, no, no, no. Hey, don't cry, will you? I'd like to help, but...

Then you will? Will what? Ride me down to the pound. What? Oh! Hey, now stop it please. Will you fire him going in? No stopping for lights? We could get there real fast. Are you crazy?

Oh! Look, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I'm just a fireman. A public servant. Oh, and why would you help me? I'm a public. I mean, I'm a tax payer. You're a tax fan? Well, okay, a tax over.

Oh. Please, Chief. No. No. No, Ralph, then, would you do me another small favor than Chief? Well, certainly, Miss. I'm really sorry for you, but that... Oh, what's the favor? Kindly tell me the tallest building in town.

Yeah, well, the city hall downtown, that's about 27, stood... What do you want to know for? When I jump, I'd like to know it'll be high enough to do the trick. I'm too tired to make two trips.

Get in, Miss. As the pal, Miss. Oh, thanks, Chiefy. I'll leave a couple of passes at the box office for you. Oh, goody, goody, gum drum. And the word name, shall I leave them undercheat?

Oh, I think stupid describes me pretty well. Oh, you're just being my best. Yeah, thanks. So long, Miss. Have you ever come across a fire with you, please? Call our station. You know, we can use the business.

Oh, sure. of dealing with staines. Goodbye. Thanks again. Yes, ma'am. What can I do for you? I want Sonya. Well, you come to the right state for it in Florida. It's always shining. He's a dog. You picked her up about 20 minutes ago. Please give her back a quick. Sure, lady. Sure. But there are

a few little formalities for her. Well, just to get my minute terrible hurry, I got to be at the theater in 40 minutes with my dog. There's a little matter of a license. But Sonya don't She's smart enough to know who she belongs to without having to read a silly little tag.

I want her back right now. Yes, Ms. Nizna. What kind of a dog is I saw? I told you. A show dog. I mean the breed is she. Bull, terrier, set a poodle, shepherd, box of dalmatian salad.

Yeah. A little everything. Yeah. A family sees more like a forest. But you can't mistake her. She's black, with floppy ears. Oh, sort of curly tail about this, huh? Oh, and she's here. Yeah, sorry. I didn't know you.

As soon as you was in the theater, so I put in the hall at the law. I can't you have to come with me and identify your canine Sarah bear. Sure sure, but that's hurry. We do it the theater Cabs man. Can you pick out your son?

You should go and proud in close. Yeah, keeps it from getting lost Yeah, no, but I know a quick later How much is to and so you must have been holding class. They all seem to know that I find it yet That was very, very good.

Oh, there's Tony over there. The one standing on the hind legs involved. Well, the little ham, huh? Yeah, get it for me. Quick, please. Mr. Times was waiting for you. Yeah, but first $2, please.

Well, I just got time to... $2. For the license. Got to have one. But I... I don't have $2. Sorry, Miss. No money. No money. Rules. But the theater, I can't go without her. Why not? You know how much two and two are, don't you?

I don't know but you don't understand lady look I just work you know yeah I know You're going hearing Mr. President is pawn shop. There's one around the corner. I'm really sorry. Yeah Well lots of people be sorry if that act don't go on this afternoon I'll be right back friend take good care of Sonya please

Oh God I will my life mess with my life and I'll be back in a flash with the cash Oh no, Sonia, you've been spoken for. Go away, Lassie. We only let the stage happen today.

Let's go, Sonia. Mom, I'll be back for you in a few minutes. Come on, girl. Now, don't cry. You're ruining your makeup. In here, Sonia, in the office. You don't want to hang around there.

I'm not professionals. Now, let's see you do a trick, Sonia. Up on your hind legs and walk. Well, that is pretty good, Sonia. Now, walk to the door. Good. Hey Sonya, I said do the door not out of it. Sonya, come back here. Hey Sonya. Hey Sonya. Hey Sonya. Come back here.

Oh George, what's up? One of our strays just took it on a lamb. I got to get it back. What for George? I got more than we can handle right here in the wagon. I had a big hole in this trip.

This mud's not special. Got to get it back. That little black job with the floppy ears and a tail like a shaving brush. There ain't no special about that. I got one in the wagon just like it picked up about an hour ago.

She ain't my target for right now. Take over the desk till I get back. I guess was an emergency. Okay. I have to get this new load of hounds into the candles first. Sure, sure. So, yeah.

Oh. Well, I'm back. Let's have a quicker. Huh? Oh. Say, you're not the fella I spoke to a couple of minutes ago. No. He's out on the prowl for an unappreciative guest. Can I help?

Yeah. I want that little black dog to get picked up with a floppy-ish material. Like a shaven brush? Yeah. And he has the two bucks to the license. Get my dog quick. I'm way late for the theater now.

I have to fill out the license first. Now, what's your name? He is my driver's license. You can get all you need from that. Meanwhile, I'll go out to the canals and get my dog.

But miss, that's against the rules. Besides, some of those dogs might be mad. They might bite you. Then I'll bite back. I'm good in mad myself. Well, I got my pooch. The license ready yet?

Yeah, but personally, I don't think that mud is worth it. I see you just heard her feelings. No, no. Mom is going to take you back to the theater, Sonia. Sonia? Oh, lady, that ain't so good.

It is Sonia, the smartest animal the stage has ever known. But, but, but, but, listen. I ain't got no time to dilly-dally give me that license. Thanks. And do you know what I think of all dog carriers?

You said it, Sonia. So long. OK, lady. I just wanted to tell you that much. Ain't the greatest dog the stage has ever known. That much you've got not only don't know anything, she don't even suspect anything.

I should have eaten it. Last year here, what captured? That one minute, Miss Rivera can't hold a curtain any longer. Over my costume, I can't go out without my costume. It only takes me five minutes to change.

Miss Rivera, I'm a man of few words. You and that dog get out there on that stage. You took the few words out of my mouth. Ready, Miss Rivera? Ready. Come on, Sonya. Sonya, we're on.

Now look, she's hiding under a chair. Oh, fine. At the time like this, game she plays. Oh, the poor baby, she's afraid. She's afraid I'm afraid my reputation and the fear that depends on this act.

Our reputation. Remember, I'm a partner. You're a silent partner, so... So shut up. I'll find that stage, Mr. Villarilla. Okay. Come on, Sonia. Oh. Gosh, I'll have to carry her on. May you help to carry out.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Where, Sonia? Say hello to this nice audience. Well... Well... You'll have to excuse Sonia, folks. She's used to play into tough audiences. Oh... Oh, and this looks like a real tough one.

Well, Sonia, let's show the audience how smart you are in a visit. Sonia, how much is two and two? Sometimes you got a Coke, so she don't like to show off. Oh, look where she likes to do anything.

Yeah. Oh, boy. Come on, Sonia, don't be afraid. They don't bite you, but I will if you don't give me the answer. Well, Sonia, I'm waiting. Think now. How much are two and two? Oh, oh, come on Sonya, one more wolf.

Come on Sonya, two and two. Yeah? Yeah? Oh, there you are folks. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Shut up Sonya. He has smoshe as folks. Not only did Sonya give the correct answer, but she also repeated it.

Oh, oh, oh. Sonya, what got in here? And now, ladies and gentlemen, Sonya will show how intelligent she is by doing anything any of you people in the audience request I hope now what was always what would you like Sonya to do I'm here and then what he said I'm going to touch a patient happen to me

oh my get a doctor get a doctor get two doctors what for one for me and get me an undertaker Now I'm a dead duck. And just a moment we shall return to the adventures of Maisie.

The pooch did bite that fell in the audience, but the man will be all right. At least the dog wasn't mad. But Joe and Manny Howard sure were.

I'd like to tell you what they called me, but there just ain't no way of doing it and staying on the air. I found out that I didn't have the real Sony a little too late.

You see, when she ran away, she went straight back to her master the Great Shorts. He tried to get past the man at the stage door to tell me, but I guess the Great Shorts wasn't that great.

Well, I guess I'll just have to pack up my little black suitcase and move on. They got enough lemons here in Florida without me. But I'm still not through with vaudeville. I'm going to get myself another act.

But no more dogs, but a little lazy. If I ever do another act with an animal, it'll be with a pigeon or a goldfish. At least if things go wrong I can always eat the act.

You just heard the adventures of Maisie, starring and Southern. Maisie was written by Arthur Phillips. Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. Supporting cast included Harry Bartell, Hans Conrad, Marvin Miller, Sheldon Leonard, Sam Hearn and Dave Leif.

Jack McCoy speaking.