My Friend Irma: The Prize Fighter

The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy. My friend Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane with John Brown as hell. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect plan shift. When other friendships have been forgotten, the bears will still be hot.

This is my friend. You know, friendship is a thing that's been around all through the ages. like measles. Measles, you can get rid of. But not my friend Irma. Do you know something? I never want to get rid of Irma because I sincerely love that girl.

So I'm going to continue to live with her through thick and thin. Although at times, it's trying. I take, for example, when I was trying to straighten out our finances and fix up a budget for it.

Naturally, I had to ask Irma a few simple questions. So I said, How much money did you save last January? None. Well, at Silly, you worked all month. How come? I bought a third-term coat.

Well, how about February? I was still paying for the coat. In March? I didn't pay for the coat in March. April? In April, I paid a lawyer for getting me out of trouble for not paying for the coat in March.

Not honey. Please be serious. We've got to work on a budget so that we won't be in the position we were in last year, of having to use up all our savings all our savings in order to pay our tax.

Jamie, we won't have to pay taxes this year. Why not? Because my boyfriend, Al, says income taxes are bad and it sure to blow over. Oh, oh, oh. Al said that? Yes, and that's why he's not gonna pay any this year.

Instead, he's going to use the money to buy himself a new suit. Erma, I've got news for you. If Al doesn't pay his taxes, the government will supply him with a new suit. With stripes.

Well, I hope there'll be pinstripes that look so cute in them. Well, honey, you forget Al. You know, there are other guys in this world besides Al. Oh, I know, Jane. And what are the boys that the office sort of has an eye on me?

Really? So I told him I like him, but my heart belongs to Al. But that didn't discourage him. Why not? He said he loved me from my mind. Believe me, Al's got a better deal.

Now listen, Irma, my boss Richard Reinlander is coming over later to take me out, so let me get together the rent money to pay Mrs. O'Reilly the landlady, huh? Now, what have we got in our cookie jar?

Three graham crackers and thirty-two cents. Oh, well, I guess it must be in the sugar bowl. Yeah, here it is, ten, twenty, thirty, and I'll take ten dollars from my purse and ten dollars from your purse, and that'll be an even fifty dollars to pay the rent with.

And that's all the money we have in the world. Jane, why must we take all our money? and give it to Mrs. O'Reilly. Well, because she's our landlady and she happens to own the building.

Well, if she already owns the building, what does she need our money for? She needs it for overhead. Well, it's a good thing to need it for our ceiling's been leaking for months. Well, anyway you look at it, we have to give her the money.

Now, look, honey, if she comes up and I happen to be busy dressing, you know, you pay her the $50 and be sure to get a receipt. You think you can handle that? Certainly, Jane. What do you think I am?

Done? Erma, I'm kinda sorry you asked me that. Why? I might have to answer it. Jane, do you hear someone knocking? Yes! Yes, let's open the door. It might be someone we'd like to know.

Oh no, we've got all the friends we need. Oh, well what's the use? Come in. Hiya chicken! Hello Janey. Oh look Jane, it's Al. Yes, I know. The change person in my pocketbook is quivering.

The market book is quivering. You know, Jane, it's lucky for you I'm not sensitive. I wouldn't let you in on this big deal I got going. Before you tell me about any new big deal, genius, what happened to the money we gave you to help finance that new washing machine invention?

Oh, that's going to be the biggest thing in the country. If you realize it dries clothes, presses them, and so's buttons on shirts. What about washing the shirts? When we solve that we got the whole problem lit.

Ow, have you ever wondered why I keep picking on you? No, Janie. But now that you brought it up, why do you? Well, I sort of got a theory that everybody in this world should have some kind of steady employment.

That seems strange to you. Oh, I believe in it myself. That's why you are now looking at the manager of the next Heavyweight Champion of the world. Who is he, Al? Tiger McGurk. Girls, I'm telling you, the minute I laid eyes on the tiger, I knew he was a champ.

You see, I'm in this tavern over on Third Avenue, see? And I noticed the tiger work in their serving drinks. Well, suddenly there was a commotion, because some no good phony wouldn't pay for his beer.

And the tiger rushed in and threw the bum out on the sidewalk. Gee, Aldity, hurt you? Please check her. Now, girls, I can hit a tiger McGurk at the Ux Club in the preliminaries. And all I need is a little capital.

Goodbye, Al. Your story has touched me. But you won't. Oh, look, Jane, honey, am I the type of a guy? I don't know what you're going to say, but you're the type. But why are we standing here, Gavin?

By an odd coincidence, I just happen to have the tiger right outside. I'll have him in, and you can look him over yourself. Oh, now just a minute, Al, we don't want any prize fighters in here.

This is not an annex of Stillman's gym. Oh, he won't bother you. He'll just come in and walk around quietly on his heels. Sure, Jane. Let him come in. You're making a mole out of a groundhog.

Okay, you will now meet the one and only Tiger McGurk. I'll just whistle. The answer's that. His name ought to be Lassie McGurk. You called me boys. I run all the way up the steps.

Girls, this is the tiger. The tiger from the pouch on him. He looks more like a kangaroo. I'm pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Tiger. Thanks, lady. Hey, boy, Sam, hungry. I told you you mustn't eat before the fight.

Yeah, but three days before home. Jane, I think he's cute. And I think we've seen enough, Al. Will you please tell the tiger to peddle his muscles elsewhere? Oh, now wait a minute, Jane. He's just getting started.

Tiger, would you like to skip a little rope for the girl? Okay, boy. I'll take my nylons off the clothesline, Mr. Tiger, and you can use that. No, Erma, no, Mr. McGurk, please. This is not the place to know.

not the place of no no you're shaking the whole building get along with that for please this is a rally our land lady please this is a rally our land lady okay name of him's going on up there oh dear we're sorry we disturbed you Mrs. O'Reilly this card was it now you realize the ceiling just came down plaster from all

of me poor husband oh dear was he hurt no but it's the first time he's ever been plastered on the outside. Well, Sally, we won't let it happen again, Mrs. O'Reilly. Well, you'd better not stop your mornin' d'ereal.

We'll be diggin' y'out in a minute. Girls, today's the first of the month. I'll be a pre-event later. Oh, we've got it for you, Mrs. O'Reilly. Elle, would you and Tiger McGurk please get lost?

Uh, Tiger, go down and run around the block a couple of times. I want to talk to the girls. Gotcha, boss. Well, so long, lady. See you later. Good luck tonight, jam. Bye. Well, girls, what do you say?

You want to back the tiger and hop on the bandwagon? No, I think we'll hitchhike and stay honest. Okay, you had your chance. I withdraw my offer. It's accepted. Irma, sweetie. I'm going to go down at the drug store to buy some of that special perfume that Richard likes, you know.

And now, if Mrs. O'Reilly comes up while I'm gone, gone. Here's the $50 went money for and you'll be sure to get a receipt. You think you can handle it? Certainly Jane. Jane, yes. Oh why don't we give Al the money for the tiger? He looks like a sure thing to me. Oh honey we just made out a budget which leaves no surplus for stray

fighters that Al manages. Yes but Jane what if he turns out to be another John L. Dempsey. Are you really dumb or are you just acting stupid? I've got you over a barrel haven't I?

Oh, why? Oh, why did I ever leave Wyoming? Wyoming? Isn't that silly? You know Jane told me she was born in West Dakota. Oh honey, I'm awful sorry, I really did my best. I know chicken, but that's just me. Hard luck, Al.

Here I got a chance to clean up on the tiger, and I can't get a break. Yeah, I wish there was something I could do. Oh, you tried your best, kid. But you know, I don't really care about the money for myself.

It's you I was thinking about. Yeah, you're so sweet. You see, I figured that if the tiger could win a couple of fights, it might be possible for you and I to walk down that middle aisle.

Together? If you want it that way? that way. But chicken, since we couldn't persuade Jane to give me the money, I can't enter the tiger in the fight tonight. So I guess we'll have to postpone our marriage for about ten years. Gee, Al, I wish I had some extra money. You see, the only money

I've got is this $50 rent money, but I forgot to give it to that Mrs. O'Reilly. Oh, I'm so sorry, Al. Don't let it bother you, kid. I understand. Hey, you know That's just when a life's funny twists. Here you are, given $50 to a dame who's got a house and don't need the dough,

and here $50 would solve all of our problems and make all our dreams come true. Al, I have an idea. If I took the $50 Jane gave me and gave it to Miss O'Reilly and gave it to...

No thanks, Chicken. I couldn't take it. But keep talking. Well, don't you see, Al? If the tiger's such a cinch to win, you could return the money right after the fight. fight. I'd pay our rent and Jane won't have to know anything about it. Here Al honey, take the money. No no. Could you might get in trouble with Jane. Oh she'll never know

take it Al. Okay, Irma. Gee you're wonderful. And believe me you'll never lose by this. Oh I know Al. I've got confidence in you but just tell me one thing. Is it Tiger really a great fighter?

Chicken. Why do you think Joe Lewis took up golf? And now it's the sportsman's forehead with What Gluskin and his orchestra and their own special arrangement of... Nelly Bligh! Hey Ho Ho Nelly! Listen Lady Love to me!

I will play and sing for you the sweetest melody Oh Nelly won't you listen why I sing to thee? Oh Nelly Bligh, Nelly Bligh, bring the broom along To a sweet to get you and clean my dear and have a little song Oh Nelly has a voice Like a turtle dove And when she sings so pretty like

My heart's just rich with love Brr-brr-brr-r-r, I haine lee whole whole melee Listen lady love to me to me I will play and sing for you the sweetest melody Oh melee won't you listen while I play for me Ellie fly has a light in the corner of a run And Oit makes me so uptime

My, my, my dear to hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hele I haine lee whole whole melee Listen lady love to me I will always love you till the day I die, all sweet, sweet, nelly, fly.

Hey, for you, kid. I'm old, Millie. High four! We're having finished making out our budget and paying our rent. I felt pretty secure. Just to play safe, I said, Erma honey, did you take care of the rent money?

Yes, Jean, I took care of it. So, financially, I was sailing on a cloud. And romantically, I was higher than a cloud because tonight... Tonight I was going to go out with my dream man, Richard Rhinelander.

He was doing a few minutes, so I decided to fill up the time by doing a little daydreaming. Which appeals to me because it's the one thing that Irma can't complicate. Now I'm dreaming that I'm Mrs. Richard Rhinelander III, and we're honeymooning on the beautiful French Riviera.

Soft lights, dreamy music. As we walk along under the stars Richard takes me in his arms and says, James, should I empty the garbage now? That's Irma jerking me back to reality. You know I'm not even safe from that girl in a dream.

Irma, what is it you want to know? Oh, should I empty the garbage now? Irma, do you realize that I have just left the Riviera to talk to you? The Riviera? Mm-hmm. Oh, it was wonderful.

Wouldn't you like to take a trip around the world? Oh, no, Jane, there's too many other places I'd like to see first. Well, we started tidying up the apartment for Richard, and while I was busy sweeping the dust from under the rug, where Irma had swept it, I noticed that Irma was vacuuming in the hall.

I said, Irma, why are you vacuuming in the hall? And she said, well, I finished in the apartment and the dust bag isn't full yet. You know, it's amazing that a vacuum cleaner, which in most people's hands, is merely a household gadget, in Irma's hands becomes a deadly weapon.

Jane, yeah, I've got everything fixed up real nice for Richard's arrival. I put candy in the candy bowl, I put cologne on the paper flower so they'd smell nice. And I've done something especially for you.

You did? I loosened the bulb and the lamp. So that when you and Richard are sitting on the couch, all you have to do is nudge it with your elbow and the light will go out.

Oh, listen, honey. I appreciate what you're trying to do for Richard and me, but sweetie, if you really want to do me a favor, please be careful what you say to him, huh? I will. You know, he'll be real proud that I managed to fix up a budget for us, because Richard, even though he's a millionaire, he believes in things like a penny saved as a penny earned.

That's cute. I know one too early. The bed and early to rise makes me healthy, wealthy, and sleepy. Now you get one too. Irma, I'm not playing games. I'm merely giving quotations that Richard and his father believe in.

Business principles like, never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Well, that's where they're wrong. I always put off until tomorrow what you should be done today. You do? Yeah, make a lot of overtime that way.

Well, don't let Richard hear you say that, how he might not understand. Oh, excuse me, all right, Jane. What's the matter with you, Irma? What are you so nervous about? Oh, I'm not nervous. Just wish you all a telephone. Tell me if the tiger won.

Oh, who cares if he wins or loses? We didn't invest any money in him. Well, I feel almost as if we had. You wanted to, didn't you? But I wouldn't let you. Imagine Al. Imagine you trying to line up a sucker to back that broken down fighter. Isn't that silly?

Yes. You needn't get hysterical. It's not the most attractive side of you, you know. Gee, I'm as nervous as a cat about to have puppies. Well, take it easy, honey. We haven't got a worry in the world.

Yeah, you haven't a worry in the world. Jane. Yeah. Even though there's nothing to worry about, promise me we'll always be friends. Oh honey, sure we will. I may be stern with you at times and I just hate myself for it, honest, but...

Believe me, there's nothing that can ever break up our friendship. Don't worry, I'll think of something. LAUGHTER Come in. Hello Richard. Oh, hello Jane. Erm, I'm nice seeing you. Won't you sit down Richard? Oh, thank you Jane.

Well, now what have you girls been doing with yourselves? Oh, well, I've just finished putting Ermene on a budget. Splendid. Splendid, I think being on a budget is a smart, economical move. I admire you, Jane, for having such a well-developed sense of financial responsibility.

Few girls have. Thank you, Richard. Yes, Dad and I have often discussed financial discipline at our board meetings. We feel that paying one's bills, taxes, or otherwise can help to combat inflation. Yes, indeed. You know the new fiscal year of 1947 is a great potential and direction to have economic upheaval.

Less consumer good stabilizer country will have to be continued on page 19. Erm, of what is that? I don't know, I never turned to page 19. Well, it's getting late, isn't it? I think I'll get my hat and then we'll be off, Richard.

Oh fine, Jane. Well, are you seem a bit preoccupied tonight? Well, I'm worried about Alan Tiger McGurk. Al should have phoned by now. Al? Yes, you remember Al, my boyfriend? Well, he's managing a fighter and there's a fight tonight, and well, a lot depends on it.

Well, I must say that Al of yours is a very enterprising young man. Well, it's your last year he had a race horse. Is that so? Yes, he even had an invention that went with a horse.

An invention? Yes, it was an electric circuit with live wires that went under the horses saddle to make him run faster. Well, that's unusual. Yes, but something went wrong. The horse won the race, but the jockey was electrocuted.

And now your Al has a prize fighter. Yeah, and can you imagine Richard, he tried to get Erwin and meet him back him, but I refused. I said that we'd made a budget and we'd stick to it.

Well, come on, Richard, we don't want to be late for the movie. Erwin, honey, why don't you come with us? No thanks Jane, I have to wait here for Al so he can tell me how the tiger makes out.

Forget the tiger, you act like you had money on him. Yeah, don't I? Come on sweetie, come on in the movie with Richard and myself. You like the picture? It's the guilt of Janet Ames.

Thanks Jane, I'll stay here with the guilt of Irma Peterson. Goodbye Irma. Goodbye honey. I'm sorry you're not coming with us. We'll see you later. Gee, I'm so nervous. I hope I all comes back before Mrs. O'Reilly comes for the rent.

Well, that must be all now. Come in, Al. Oh, it's you, Mrs. O'Reilly. Well, what can I do for you? Well, my just finished reading, my horoscope. Jupiter's in direct vertigo with Saturn. And Sagittarius is just in back of Kepler corn, leaving Ares near Pluto.

Oh, what does all that mean? The rent is due. Oh, is it rent they already? Well, it seems all yesterday that we paid you for last month. It was yesterday, dearie. You were 30 days late.

And now if I can have me $50, I'll be Gordon. Well, now, don't be in such a hurry, Mrs. O'Reilly. Come in and we'll chat a little. Where do you don't mind if I do?

I've got a sort of a soft spot me had for you two girls. Well, what's new, Mrs. O'Reilly? Where Mrs. O'Malley had twins last night, your husband? Now just a minute there, you're getting me off the subject.

Oh, I wouldn't think of doing that. Were they happy having twins? And did not. They got too many mouth to feed as it is. Oh, really Mrs. O'Reilly? How many children do they have? Oh, now let me see.

There's Timothy, Patrick, Terrence, and Dennis. Care for some tea? Yes, thank you. Robert Thomas, Michael, and little Danny. You don't know what the tea? Yes, and a bit of lemon. And then there was little Joseph, TV, Kevin, and Philip.

He has quite a large family. And then there's the girls. There's Mary and Maggie and Cathy those of the twins. They were all burned under the sign of Capricorn. Oh, what does sign a Capricorn mean?

Oh, that's school horn of plenty. But when I'm in the... if you'll just give me the rental beyond me way. Well, Mrs. O'Reilly, there's... there's something on my unconscious that I must get off. I gave the rent money to my boyfriend, Aldo, but on the tiger of prize fighter.

fighter. How did you know? So could you please wait until after the fight for your money? Oh no wait a minute. Why should I be waiting for me money when you've got a wallet chock for the money lying on the table there. Wallet money. Oh gee gosh Mr. Rylander must have forgotten it. Well now isn't that convenient. Let me see.

He has here. Let's see. Ten twenty. Oh one hundred and fifty dollars. Now if you'll just allow me to take fifty dollars out of the wallet we'll call the rent settle. Who's that Mrs. Riley? The money doesn't belong to me.

Come now, do you really let me borrow the money into life to the fight? But that's stealing. Not if you put us back. Now don't worry, just say it yourself. I'm not a criminal. I'm not a criminal.

I'm not a criminal. I'm not a criminal. Fine. You just keep saying that. And thanks for the rent. Goodbye, dearie. I'm not a criminal. I'm not a criminal. Well, but I am a criminal because it wasn't my money. It was Richard's wallet.

Gosh, I'm sorry. I let Mrs. O'Reilly take the money. It wasn't honest. Gee, I'm a criminal. I'm a criminal. Hi, Irma. Jane, I'm not a criminal. I'm not a criminal. Irma, what are you mumbling about?

Oh, nothing. Hello, Jane and Richard. What are you doing back here? Well, Irma, the funniest thing happened when I went up to the box office to pay for the tickets. I found I didn't have any money.

How did you know? Oh, I'll always pull that one on me. Erma darling, what Richard means is that he might have left his wallet here in the apartment. Did you happen to see it? I'm not a criminal. I'm not a criminal.

No one's accusing you, honey. I just want to know if you saw the wallets. Well, Jane, let's forget about it. If Erma didn't see it, maybe I didn't leave it here after all. Well, all right. Erma, if you should run across at home, let me describe it to you.

It was a brown pig skin wallet with the name Richard Rhinlander on it. R-I-C-H-A-R-D-R-H-I-N. Oh, you don't have to spell in front of me. I'm old enough to understand things now. Well, Irma, you didn't see it, did you?

Irma? Why don't you answer, Richard? Did you see it? Is it Irma? This is ridiculous answer. Yes or no. And our friendship depends on it. Yes. Yes, what? That's my answer. You just fell in the question.

Please, Jane. Let me handle this, Richard. Irma, did you see Richard's wallet? I, um... Oh, come in. Hi, folks. Hello there, chicken. How was the fight did the tiger win? No, chicken. But you'd have been proud of him.

He established a new world's record. Three and a half seconds of the first round. You mean he was knocked out in three and a half seconds? No, he was back in the shower. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

You're sorry. Getting back to our little discussion, Irma, I'd like to find out what happened. Well, I'll be with you in a minute, Jane. I want to see Alan private first. Oh, would you excuse me?

Uh, come on, Al. What's up, chicken? Al, promise me you'll write to me. And wait for me. What do you mean? What are you talking about? Well, Al, after I gave you the money, Richard left his wallet here, and I took $50 from it to replace the rent money that I gave you to bet on the tiger.

So? So, Jane and Richard are back looking for his wallet and I have it here and I have to give it to him and they'll find the money missing. Oh well, I'm a criminal. I'm a criminal.

Oh, honey, you're not a criminal. No, I tried saying that it doesn't work. Look, honey, if that's all you're worrying about, forget it. Your hour will always take care of his little urn man. Here's the $50 to put back in the wallet and he has 10 more for your share of the winners.

Where did you get the money to tie your lost? What do you think I bet him to win? That bet against the buck. But Al, how could you be so sure he'd lose? Kid, a guy don't win who hasn't eaten for three days and runs around the block twice just before the fight

and don't have no talent to start with. See Al, you're a genius. Mr. Rhinelander, did your wallet have a zipper on it? Yes. Irma, if you're going to say leave your name and address, and if anything turns up, we'll write to you.

I just don't know what I'll do. Oh, I just want to know if Richard's wallet has a zipper on it. Well, yes, it does. And then this one must be yours. Here he is. Oh, yes, that's mine, Irma.

But, Irma, why didn't you give it to him before? Well, you didn't say anything about a zipper, and you have to be plenty careful these days. What? That's odd. What's the matter, Richard? Oh, Jane, I had $150 in my wallet and now I have $160.

Where did that extra $10 bill come from? Well, don't you get interested in all your loans? So we left to go to the movie, the four of us. And all through the picture I kept thinking, what is the connection between Richard's wallet and Irma?

So when we got home that night and we're drinking our chocolate before going to bed I said, Irma, what about Richard's wallet? And Irma said, I'm not a criminal, I'm not a criminal. Well, that's my friend Irma.

My friend Irma was written and directed by Sigh Howard. How would you like to sign up for security for a ticket to the kind of tomorrow you've always dreamed about? You can do that if you invest your money today in United States savings bonds.

Money saved today in savings bonds will bring you a return of $4 for every $3 you invest when the bonds mature in 10 years. Why United States savings bonds and enjoy the tomorrow you've been dreaming about.

Remember next week instead of dialing your telephone to listen to your best friend, dial your radio to this same Columbia station, same time to listen to... to listen to my friend Emma starring Marie Wilson as her man Kathy Lewis is James John Brown as Alan George Nice is Richard Reinlander this is CBS the Columbia broadcasting system