My Friend Irma: Irma Meets Jane

The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy. My friend Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane with John Brown as Al. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect bloodshed. When other friendships have been forgotten.

There's still still the hot, loud, loud, loud. I'm sure it's something to sing about, and they can sing about it maybe, because they haven't any friends. But I'm singing the blues about it because I've got a friend, my friend Irma.

Now don't get me wrong, I love that girl, most people do. It's just that Mother Nature gave some girls brains, intelligence, cleverness, but with Irma, well, Mother Nature slipped her a Mickey. I will never forget the first time I met her.

I was walking long looking for a place to live in New York and by a strange coincidence I am having a very tough time. And I keep bumping into people and I keep saying, I beg your pardon.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I just never look where I am going. I just keep walking with my head high. Just like the doctor told me in taking deep breath and hailing and exhaling like this.

I keep counting to myself, one, two, three. Look Miss, will you stop counting long enough to help me up? Oh, of course, you must be uncomfortable on your knees. Oh! Oh, no, not at all, honey. I'd love it down here if I was Al Jolson.

Did you see that picture of the Jolson story? I just loved it. I cried and cried. Fine, fine. Now would you please help me up? Oh, certainly. Here, give me your hand. Oh, my! What a beautiful ring!

You know, my boyfriend Al, he was going to get me one just like that. We had it all picked out only you know what happened? It wouldn't fit your nose. Well, wasn't for my nose it was for my finger. It wouldn't fit my nose.

I wish it had. I could have pulled myself up. Oh, you want to get up, don't you? Yes, if you please, I can't make much time crawling. I can't either. I always walk. Well, here we go.

Up the gate. Be all careful. You're dressed. Oh, we ripped it, didn't we? Yes, we did. But you know something? There were in Split Skirts, New York this year. Yeah, I know, but not all the way up to the neck.

Hey, we haven't been introduced yet. My name's Irma. What's yours? Goodbye. Oh, what a unusual name. What's your last name? Forever. That's a pretty name. Missed goodbye forever. Oh, Irma. That's when I should have run.

But I didn't. The podments are too hard to find these days and Irma. Bless her heart is really a sweet kid. So I moved in with her in that one room, furnished freight elevator she called home.

Oh, I'm not home. Jane, the telephone's ringing. Jane, the telephone's ringing. Aren't you going to answer? I don't know if it's for me. Well, take a chance. Take a chance. It's not you, Enrico. Hello? I mean, hello?

Yeah, he's here. Jane, it's for me. Irma? You know, if Marconi knew that you were going to use a telephone, he never would have invented this. Oh, Jane, I'm surprised at you. Alexander Graham, Bill invented the telephone, not Marconi.

You see, I'm beginning to think like you. Everybody knows that Marconi invented spaghetti. Irma, the telephone. Oh, hello? Al? Jane, it's Al. What are you waiting for? Run down the police station with the bail.

Oh, don't be silly. He's not in jail. Hello, Al? I! Oh! That's enough for the vowser, and I'll try the continent. Okay, Al. Goodbye. Jane. Al's coming over. Oh, honey. Why do you have to spoil our Sunday by having that jobless, phony, windbag of an Al over?

Jane. Yes. What's your opinion of Al? I like him. I think he's a live wire and it's just a matter of time before they hook him up and put a chair under him. Oh he wouldn't pick on Elle because someday I hope to be Mrs. Elle.

Oh sweetie. Oh sweetie look I didn't mean it. Now stop snippling you're ruining your pretty face with your mascara. Come on. But I love Al. Yeah, I know you do, Irma. That's the reason I'm hard on him.

I want to be sure that the guy who gets my little Irma's heart's got a big enough heart to match us. He thinks, Jane. He wouldn't be wonderful if I married Al and you could have a double wedding.

A double wedding. How do you figure that? It would be if you married Richard Rhineland or the third. That was my blood pressure rising. She would mention his name. You see, Richard Rhinelander III is my boss and I'm his private secretary.

I'm in love with him, but I have no chance to marry him because he's Richard Rhinelander III and I'm Jane Stacy I. Oh, I tried everything to impress him. I even told him I lived in a very intellectual atmosphere and that my roommate is a promising young novelist.

Oh, Stacy, you fool you. If he ever finds out how you live and what a mental midget, Irma really is, you must end up right between the eight, nine and ten ball. Gee, I'd love to marry.

Irma, wouldn't it be wonderful if I wound up being Mrs. Richard Reinland of the third? The third? What good is that if he has two other wives? You know I won't even stop to answer that one?

I couldn't marry a wealthy man and have to go to the opera. I don't know a thing about Shakespeare. Honey, with five million dollars, all you got to know about Shakespeare is that he's dead in your life.

Well, let's forget Mr. Rheinlander. I'll never marry him because there's a difference in family. His ancestors were Mayflower people. He'd eat me all that money out of doughnuts. Erla, if you say another word to me, I'll scream.

But if you do, you'll wake up Professor Capotkin, the violinist downstairs, and he needs sleep. Erma, I'm going to take a bath. Well, Jane, don't use all the hot water. This is the day we wash the dishes.

Hello? Uh, who did you want to talk to? Jane? Who's this? Oh, Mr. Richard Rhinelander. Uh, well, Jane's busy. You want to hang on for about 20 minutes? Yes, this is Erma. I'm a her roommate.

How's my book? Oh, I finished it and I'm starting another. Oh, my goodness. Hard on me. No, you know those giant comics are mostly pictures? Oh, I'd like to meet you too, Mr. Ryan-Mander. Say, I've got an idea.

Why don't you dash over for dinner tonight? Huh? Or it's no bother. Oh, we'd love to have you. And by the way, if it's not inconvenient, I ask your mother to bake us some donuts.

Oh, remember, see you at 730 and don't bother to dress. It's strictly our grottin'. What's that, B? Come in. Hiya, chicken. How are ya? Hello, how honey? He, I'm glad you came over. I didn't think I could make it.

The time off from three deals that were just simmering. Dye and a burst in a flame. Stuff like stucco bathtubs. Scratch while you be. Tremendous, perfect. How many? Tremendous projects. Oh, Al, you're always talking business.

Gotta be our Matos, honey, if you and I ever expect to settle down in that cozy little 30 room cottage. Yeah, Al, I'd just love to hear you talk like that. Come over here a minute, honey, and look at my eyes.

What do you see? Murine. Al, there's another great money, Mega. Wish I'd thought of that. Al, I know how ambitious you are, but can't you forget business and be a little more romantic? Well, I'd love to, kid, but in order to give you the good things in life, I gotta start thinking about this big deal I got, bro.

Oh, Gee, Al, if your deal comes through, maybe you and I could settle down on a little rant. I can see it now, the egg and Irma. Hiya, Jamie, what's the good word? Jane, Al's got a big deal on...

And what a deal. I just happened to line up no less than a hundred thousand dollars worth of surplus army goods. Gee, what kind of surplus are you going to sell? Ripcords. Ripcords. This is a big deal. I got a pajama manufacturer lined up to take the whole lot of them.

I even got an advertising gimmick with these ripcords. Listen to this. You get up in the morning and bail out of your pajama. Do you like it, Jane? I don't know how I ever lived this long without it.

And that ain't all. This is a big promotion. You take a two-page ad in life, showing a picture of a beautiful girl ready to retire. And underneath, a caption... Hit the silk. Yeah. How'd you know?

It figures. I think it's wonderful. What do you think, Jane? You know the whole thing has tired me out? I'm going back and taking another shower. another shower. You see chicken I'm a beaten man Jane doesn't believe in me. Well that's not true Jane like you Al she always takes two showers on Sunday I see

one for a self and one for those dirty looks she gives me and besides Al once you get to know Jane you'll realize that her bark is worse in her tree you know honey I wouldn't say this to anybody else but things are going so badly for me lately that I may be forced to do something desperate.

Al, you're going to get a job? Irma, watch your language! I'm sorry, Al, I owe you a job. Emma, supposing a man like me would consent to go to work safe for a bank, at a small start and salary of $500 a week.

Naturally, somebody like me moves fast. At the end of a year, I'm making 1,000 a week as a second vice president. In two years, I'm making 2,000 a week as a first vice president. In 10 years' time, I'm president of the bank and I got $100,000.

Where do I go from there? I'm in a rut. But I'm in a rut now, and it didn't take me ten years to get there. So you see how foolish it'd be for me to get a job.

You understand, Tiff? It's clear to me, Al. It is? But I'm glad. You're a great girl and you deserve the best. But I don't want the best, I want you, Al. You know, the breaks have always been against me.

It would be different if I wasn't a practical man, but my ideas are so sound. It's all a question of the breaks. Yeah, I wish there was something I could do to help you. Thanks, chicken.

But a guy like me with my ideas has got a mix with the right people. If I can only meet a man who's a millionaire. Well, I'll suppose he met a millionaire who's got money besides.

Oh, what do you mean? Well, Al, I'm throwing a dinner party tonight. Dinner party? Uh-huh. Yes, I've been buying James' boss over here. You know, the millionaire Richard Rhineland of the Third? Richard Rhineland of the Third?

Yeah, she's crazy about him, and I thought that intimate gathering would bring them together socially, and financially it would bring the two of you together. So why don't you just surprise us and drop over casually after dinner and bring your ideas?

The millionaire Richard Rhineland of the Third. You know, if a guy like me with my ideas could meet a millionaire like James Baughts, it'd be a natural combination. Oh, wonderful. Well, it'll be perfect. I can kill you and Jane with one stone.

But won't Jane mind my coming? No, it's a surprise party. He doesn't even know Richard Rhinlander's coming. Thanks, baby. You're a genius. I'll be there. Oh, before you go, Al, and haven't you forgotten something?

Oh, yeah. What time does Rhineland forget here? Erma's out left. Oh. Just leave a now. Oh, it's a long lady. See you later. Honey, be careful going home. There's a crime wave on. Yeah, Al, keep your hat turned down. You don't want to get picked up.

Ha, ha, ha! You practice me. Long chicken. See you later. We're having a dinner party. Yes. I've invited your boss Richard Ronan to dinner tonight. You invited my boss to dinner tonight? Here? Or am I how could you?

Oh, it was simple. He called up and asked to talk to you and your ability so I invited him. Oh, no. This is all a dream. And after dinner, Al's going to drop over. And if Professor Copotkin comes up, it'll be a wonderful party.

Oh, no. This is a nightmare. Give me that phone. Maybe it's not too late to stop him. Oh, dear. Hello. Hello. Is Mr. Ryan landed there? He's not? Well, could you please tell me where he went?

He left to go to a dinner party at a Miss Jane Stacey's. Thank you. Jane, Jane, what are you doing? Nothing. Just writing a suicide note. And now this sportsman with Alabd Luskin and his orchestra and their own special arrangement of...

Good night, ladies. Good night, ladies. Good night, ladies. We're gonna lead you now. Marily, we roll along. Roll along, roll along. Marily, we roll along. Or the deep blue sea. Or the deep blue sea.

Goodbye. Literacy. Or the deep blue. Goodbye. Good night, values! Hello, 89. Goodbye! Hello, 80. Hello, 89. We rose along.

Then if we rose along. Generally we rose along. Ooh, is that the goose. Surely we rose along. Barely we roaring along. When virtue This is creation. The nine-lander, the third, is coming to dinner.

Now I'm really trapped because I told him that I lived in an artistic neighborhood and that my roommate was a budding novelist. How could I justify having him sit around with that that scintillating duo of conversationalist Irma and Al?

Mr. Rhinelander is expecting an evening based on tabletop all our information please. What he's going to get is people are funny or it pays to be ignorant. Well finally 730 rolled around the bottle of martinis was catching a chill in the icebox and I was running a fever in the living room Richard would be arriving at any minute. Nirma wasn't ready

Erma Sweetie at 730. I know Jane. I'm just getting into my dress. How do you like it? Don't you think you ought to get a little further into it? Al likes his dress Al would but mr. Rhinelander wouldn't I come on huh?

You've got just time to waltz this broom around a few times. Okay. Erma hot. No. No. Don't sweep the dirt under the rug The man downstairs has been complaining. Complaining? Yeah, you know, that hole in the floor.

Jane, I have a wonderful idea. Why don't we take the rug off, and then with a hole in the ceiling, we'll have cross-ventilation. Oh. Irma, I'm so nervous. Well, don't wear all handle everything. Haven't you confidence in me?

Well, certainly I have. Well, then, why are you shaking? I always shake like this before I have a nervous breakdown. No. Now, Irma, let's not be nervous, huh? Let's just take it easy. Now, let's see.

First we serve the martinis and then... I don't have to drink a martini, do I, Jane? What's that got to do with it? I'd rather have milk. But how can you drink milk when we're drinking martinis?

Well, I know I'll drink milk, but I'll put an olive in it. He's here. Oh, he's here. Now, listen to me, I'm not worried. I'm not worried. I've got confidence in you, and I know you'll do everything right, because if you don't, I think I'll kill myself and then you.

Now, you ready? Okay, Irma put the broom away. Come in. I think you're part of it, but does Jane Stacy let... Oh, of course. Good evening Jane. I didn't recognize you for a moment. That's because you didn't take the curlers out of her hair.

Ha, silly of me. Come in. Come in, Mr. Rheinlander. May I present my roommate, Irma? How do you do? Hello, Irma. Would you mind taking Mr. Rheinlander's hat? I can't. Why not? His hat is still in it.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Here it is. Irma, now that you have Mr. Rhinelander's hat, would you mind taking the broom away from him? Oh. Irma. Now that you have the broom, would you mind taking Mr. Rhinelander's hat away from him?

Oh. Won't you sit down, Mr. Rhinelander? Oh, thank you, Jane, but you don't have to be so formal. My friends always call me Richard. Thank you. Cigarette Richard? cigarette richard thank you match richard ashtray richard thank you cigarette armor match herma ashtray orma no thank you i don't smoke you writers you're all alike

with the eccentric yes i knew you'd like herma's with it's so uh... so natural so i know that Why would a charming apartment you have here? When will the remodeling be finished? Remodeling! Remodeling, this is it!

Yes, it's small, it's small, but our neighbors are so interesting. Artors, writers, musicians, you know. Princess, there's a very famous violinist who lives downstairs. He's Professor Cropotkin. Cropotkin? Cropotkin? Yeah, he plays in a paradise perlesque.

Have you ever been there? Well, I don't think so. Well, it doesn't matter. You wouldn't have seen him anyway because he plays a violin under the runway. Yes, a lot of our neighbors are eccentric, but they're all artistic.

Oh, I know what you mean. How charming and burning. Yeah. You know what's hot in here? I think I'll open the window. You become a whole thruster! How do we go into dinner? If I live to be the oldest woman in the United States in Canada, I'll never forget that dinner.

It started off with Irma taking from the right and serving from the left. She also did little dropping in the middle. And Mr. Rhinelander looked very fetching wearing a hamburger over his right eye. Then we got to the dessert.

And it seems that Irma had put the dessert in the wrong tray in the icebox. It was the first time I'd ever tasted cauliflower sherbet. So much for the food. The conversation was a monster in its own right.

Richard said... Fortunately, I've been able to travel considerably. Erma, do you like to travel? And Erma says... Oh yes, it's really the only way to get anyplace. The labes over and we decided to have our coffee in the living room.

Well Jane, that was an excellent dinner. Wonderful food. That's nothing on you. You always have food for dinner. Oh, Herman, you have a priceless wit. As in she Jane. She has? Oh, yes, she has.

You know, Mr. Rhyanander, I envy Jane working for you. Yes, the investment business can be exciting, but you know, I wish I had more time for sport. Oh, you do love sports, don't you, Richard?

Yes, I don't like to brag or appear stuffy, but at college, I won my letter in six different sports. Isn't that wonderful and weren't you voted the best looking man on the campus? Oh well Jane, I was the only kid stuff.

But getting back to sports, since going into business with dad, he sort of kept me hopping. You know how the office is, but Jane with you being the capable secretary you are, I've been able to find some time for squash and bad men at the athletic club.

Oh, well personally I love golf. It's such an exciting game and yet it's so simple. Yes, but you know, tennis has a dash of that same excitement. I swim right horseback plate tans, bowl and shoe pool.

I'm a... do you really do all those things? No, but I have to keep up my end of the conversation. What coffee, Richard? No, thank you. I think you're wise. Coffee does keep one awake.

Yes, coffee does have that effect on me. How about you, Irma? They've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. Oh, we know you're in the conversation, dear. Say it easy. No, okay, I think I'll open the window.

No, don't, no, Irma the window. No. How are you next, I don't know who can call me. No, I don't say what I'm saying. I don't know how to like that. Jilly up tonight, isn't it, Richard?

Well, now let's get down to business. When are you two going to get married? Irma. Oh, Richard, I really don't know what to say. Well, Irma, really, I'm very fond of Jane, but of course you know there's my father.

Your father, let him get his own girl. Oh, Irma. Hi, you fool. Oh, that's a surprise. Look, Jane, it's Al. The next sound you hear is Jane Stacy blowing her brains off. Al, I'd like you to meet Richard Rhyland and the third...

Richard, this is my boyfriend Al. How do you do? Well, hi, Richard. Heard a lot about you. Richard, wouldn't you care to go to a movie or something? Oh, no, sense of breaking up the party. Let's sit around and chew the fast.

Richard's not hungry, Al. We just finished dinner. Well, it's what's new on the street. The street? Yeah, you know, the exchange. Oh, well, cotton was a little slow this past week. Ah-ha. knew it. What about steel?

It's a little off. I know it. Reach it, you can see for yourself the handwriting's on the wall. Really? You've got to get out of Wall Street. I do? Oh, absolutely. Sure you could plug along, making a million here and a million there.

But have you got security? Well, well, I'm pretty satisfied. Well, I'm pretty satisfied with the investment business. And I think there's a great future in it for me. Granddad was president and then father became president and soon I'll be president.

You see what I mean, Armum? Yeah, the whole family's in a rut. No, it's not too late, Rich. There's a place for you and my organization. Richard, let's go to a movie. No, Jane, let him talk this whole thing may develop into a merger.

Merger, you're right, Armum. Richard, I'm gonna make a big man out of you. How would you like to team up with me? Well, I... Now listen to me, Richard. Here's the plan. We've a chance to corner the market on surplus ripcorns.

We'll go out into the open market. Find short, sell long. This thing is going just like I planned. The boys are in there getting along beautifully. Beautifully. Richard reaches for his wallet. He'll shake hands with Al.

Now listen to me, Irma. You've ruined me. I should never have moved in with you. But Jane... Don't but Jane me. But I thought... I don't care what you thought. You've ruined everything. Imagine his coming from his mansion on Park Avenue to this dump.

Now to top it off, your boyfriend, Al, is trying to sell him ripcords. But Jane, Al's only trying to fix it so he has security. Erma, I've got news for you. Richard Rhineland of the Third has five million dollars. He hasn't even counted yet.

But after he counted what then, he'll be in a ruff. By inviting him to dinner tonight, you've just ruined me. Now, I'm going back in there, apologize, quit my job, and spend the night at the YWCA.

But Jane, are you a member? No, but I'll join. Another thing. The next time we meet on the street, I only want you to say one thing. Goodbye. Well, General Motors, go for it. Richard, that tongue's a hanging out for Ripko.

Well, Al, I really don't... I mean, Mr. Rheinlander, I can't tell you how sorry I am. Sorry about what? Oh, you know, bring you down here and having to meet people like Al and Erma.

Well, Jane, you've nothing to be sorry about. I'm delighted to have met two such real people as Al and Erma. And where do I do have met a millionaire with money? money. Oh, uh, my, how could you?

Now, now, leave her alone, Jane. That's what I like about Irma now. They're so natural and I'm it. Ah, Ziggy, thank you for that boat of coffee. I'm so happy for you, Mr. Rhyme Lander.

Now you can have security. You see, Jane? You see, Richard. You see, you were so wealthy and you live on Park Avenue and everything and I thought you were coming here. Well, I tried to impress you and I guess I've just been a fool.

I don't know what to say. Well, I'd like to say thank you, Jane, for a splendid evening. I like your apartment, and I think Al and Irma are swell. And now, if you've got time, I want you to drop into the office, and maybe we can go into your rip-cord proposition at length.

Well, I've got to run along now. Goodbye, Jane, and please invite me again real soon. Goodbye, Richard. Well, got to run now. Where are you going, honey? Where am I going? Now I've got to see where I can get hold of some rip-car.

That's my friend Elle. And that's my friend Irma. My friend Irma was written and directed by Stuy Howard. This is PBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.