The Mel Blanc Show: Birthday Cards

From Hollywood, Colgate Toothpounder for a breath that's sweet and teeth that's sparkle present the Mel Blank Show Colgate Toothpounder for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle brings you the Mel Blank Show with Mary Jane Croft Earl Ross Be Benadera, Joe Kern, Zuckie and Victor Miller and his orchestra. Ladies and gentlemen, you've heard Mel Blank as the Happy Postman.

Hello, Missy Burns. Here's your mail. Well, goodbye Missy Burns. Remember, keep smiling. You've heard him as the famous train caller. Train leaving on track by for Anna, Mazusa and Koc Galanga. You've heard him as Pedro.

Pardon me for talking in your face in your ear. Thirty days, Haciana, April, June and some rare old. I think. You've heard him as the lovable character Zuki. Well, in the fixer shop, I'm the president.

I'm the vice president. I'm the vice president. If I advice for you, I'm the treasure, I sweep out the blaze. You murder him as the famous Warner Brothers cartoon character, Bubs Bunny. What's up, guy?

Now, here him is the star in his own show. Hello, Melblanks Fix-It-Shop. You bend it, we mend it. Say, do you have a broken chair in your house, a broken table in your house? Anything that's house broken?

Well don't try to fix it yourself, don't ruin it, bring it to Mel Blank, let him do it. Right now in the fix-it shop Mel's uncle is talking to our hero's general assistant, Zuki. Zuki, come here will you?

I can't, I'm too busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. Here I am. What time is it Zuki? Well, according to me and my work, here at the clock, it's a fire. I see that the... I can't tell you.

Why can't you tell me? Well, because by the time I... I tell you what time it is, it's some other time. Come on, Zookie. Here come Mel and Betty. Let's get out of here. Look, darling, don't you see the fixer chap will never amount to a thing as long as you let your uncle Rupert and Zookie live with you.

Well, gosh, honey, I have to let them stay here. Why can't that uncle of yours go to work? Well, he's still weak from his overseas shots. Over seashots. Yeah, you got him in 1917. He spent six months in Pierre's bar in Grill in Paris.

Twenty shots a night. That I can almost believe. Oh, that's right. The last time he saw Paris, he didn't see it so good. Oh, now, why don't you try to be serious about business? Well, I try.

And another thing, do you realize that we have been engaged now for five years? Gosh, our wooden anniversary. Don't you think we might begin toying with the idea of getting married? Oh, now, honey, you know I've been working on our nest egg.

Well, we're both getting old, the egg and I. Well, yeah, but... Mel blank, now this is what I'm talking about. Now look, look at this birthday card my father got from the eternal life insurance company this morning.

Now why don't you do something like that? Why don't you try to build goodwill? Okay, I'll send a birthday card to everybody in town who has a birthday this month. Now that's wonderful! And another thing, I'm gonna talk to Uncle Rupert, put him straight.

Dining it's so good to hear you talk like this. I'll tell Uncle, he'll just have to buckle down and loaf somewhere else. I'm sorry Uncle Rupert, but that's the way it's gotta be. Melving my boy, I'm hurt.

Haven't Zuki and I been everything to you? Well, not exactly. I haven't been everything to you? No, that's why I wanna get married. You can't even cook. Well, anyway, Melad, let's not be hasty. I've got another idea.

Why don't I go on living here and work for you? Oh, but Uncle Rupert, I can't afford to pay anything. Oh, that's all right, nephew. After a while, you owe me so much money, I alone the fix-it-job.

Well, yeah. You can go to work for me. Until you earn enough money to get it back. Hey, both of us can make a darn good living like that for years. Here's... we... Now wait...

Doesn't hit you, eh? No. Uncle Rupert, you're not talking me out of this. I see what you mean. Well, Melvin, this means the parting of the ways. I shall simply have to ask Whittle-Long-Necca to marry me.

But you said yourself marriage is a serious thing. Are you sure Mrs. Long-Necca's your type? Well, of course, Clara is my type. She's rich, isn't she? Ha ha ha! Yeah, but you should marry for love.

Well, I love money! But she's so long and lanky. Melvin Millad, when a lady is that wealthy, she's not long and lanky. She's tall and stately. Well, I'll have it your way. Now will you send Zuki for those birthday cards?

Indeed, I will. Oh, Zuki. Zuki, will you come here, please? I can't. I'm too busy. I'm too busy. I'm too busy. I'm busy. Here I am. Now I want you to go down to City Hall and get a list of people's birthday.

Oh, well, people's beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Yeah. And stop off on your way back and pick up some birthday cards in the Five and Ten. The big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big big, big, big, big, big, big, big.

Captain the Man! This is the Bureau of Vital Statistics. Yeah, I know. We have records on everybody from the cradle to the grave, records on men, records on women. Also Spike Jones playing the gypsy.

What can I do for you? Well, I'm looking for the birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, you know, every year, every year, rock a vibe, every day, every day. Hey, I bet you was a beautiful baby.

Oh, yes, indeed I was. Why my mother used to... Oh, so that's it, you're expecting a baby. Oh, wow. How could I have a baby? I'm not even me, I my need a mappied You should have thought of that before Mary's licenses are down the hall Eh but I'm confirm that the thatcha

I don't believe in me, me I'm put motion PANDA P claw panel Nobody wants me Now make up your mind what you want Our file is complete from the cradle to the grave We have to cross index dz y counter cross to a Alan crisscross y y z ending with a fiscal year mcm xlv now what do you

have yeah let me hear let me hear spike Jones playing the gypsy I give up well care's a list of everything we've got you can take your pick oh thanks gosh yeah the this printing is sure close to the paper is that you Zuki it's about timing oh what you miss is long necker how are you

What a day. Oh, me, another day, another dividend. Oh, the woes of wealth. Well, what's the matter, Mr. Lawmaker? Oh, it's so annoying. I was at the bank all day today. You were? Yes, the bank wants to borrow some money from me.

But I'm not going to give it to them. Why not? They haven't paid the last loan I made them. They don't pay me back soon. I'll just have to foreclose. I get more darn banks that way.

Oh, money, money, money. Think of it, Melvin. I'm just swimming and will. What a beautiful way to drown. Oh, by the way, Mrs. Longnecker. Yes. Were you born this month? What I want. Were you born this month?

Oh, oh, good. I'm just out doing a little shopping for my mother who's still in the hospital. Well, you see, I'm sending birthday cards from the fix-it shop to everybody in town who has a birthday this month.

Well, what I'm here for? Oh, it's a great business idea. Make a lot of money so Betty you'll be proud of me. That's money. Doesn't that fiancé of yours realize the terrible things money can do to a human being?

Why just look at me? Yeah, maybe I ought to warn her. Do you think that I'm an idea, Clara? This is indeed a pleasure. Well, I didn't come here to give you pleasure. What do you want, Rupert?

I wish I could tell you how radiant you are, my dear. How like a tall stately slapling, sapling, stappling in the breeze. Yes, I wish I could tell you, but I don't have the words.

Considering you did it without words, it was okay. Please, Rupert, I'm in no mood for your nincompupidines. Nincompupidines. Oh, oh, Melton, I've quite forgotten what I came in for. I'm giving a reception tonight at the mansion, And I want you to come up and fix the loose floorboard on the front porch.

A loose floorboard? Yes. Every time somebody walks into the house, the board comes up and slaps them in the face. Gee, that's embarrassing. It's even more embarrassing when they walk out. Goodbye Mrs. Longnacker. Well Betty, all the birthday cards are mailed out.

Oh, now I can't wait to see what happens. what happened? You know, I wouldn't be surprised if someday I have to use a velvet rope to handle the crowds in front of the fix-it-shop. Yes, hon.

By the fix-it-shop, I'll become a household word, you know, like Drano. Yes, Johnny, can I see one of the cards? Oh, sure. Oh, they're pretty. You see, it says, best wishes on this most joyous of all occasions, your very own NATO Day.

Yeah, NATO Day. That means birthday. looked it up now wait a minute what's this what's what behind this little flap on the card look what it says I didn't notice any flat it says I hope the gift I'm sending you under separate cover will brighten this most joyous of all occasions your very own natal day that means birthday I oh Mel what did you

do I look it up don't you realize what this means oh yeah means I've got to get 98 birthday presents for all the people I sent cards to. Oh, if I don't they'll never come near the fix-it shop.

And you were gonna keep the crowds back. With a velvet rope, no less. Well, I can still find use for the velvet rope. For what, for instance? Well, not everybody can afford to hang himself with a velvet rope.

Keep smiling just fine. Use it each morning, and use it each night. Don't take a chance with your romance You scold get to thot it How often it happens you meet a man and you think he's a nice fellow but but what?

Well you hate to say it but it's that little breath of trouble I mean unpleasing breath and the chances are this chap doesn't dream that a breath of trouble is tagging making him unpopular hindering him in business spoiling his fun without suspecting it you may be the victim of unpleasing breath So be on your guard against it. Just do this. Brush your teeth night and morning and before

every date with Colgate Tooth Powder. For Colgate Tooth Powder, clean your breath as it cleans your teeth. Yes, scientific tests have definitely proved that in seven cases out of ten Colgate Tooth Powder instantly stops and pleasing breath that originates in the mouth. What's more, no dentifers at any price clean your teeth more quickly and thoroughly than Colgate Tooth

Powder. Remember to buy a first thing and remember the name Colgate Tooth Powder with the accent on powder don't take a chance with you you call get you power but can we have a yeah okay and don't take us to get a chance to get a chance with your ever be ever be ever be ever be romance

home now i wish i could think of some way to help you gosh Betty what am i going to do for presents for those people i thought of everything well it's no use worrying about it now I guess something like this could happen to anybody.

Yeah, but it always happens to me. Oh, no. Betty, you know you're the only girl in the world for me, don't you? Am I? You're the only girl who have me. And you're so pretty too.

You know, every morning I think of you, while I'm shaving. I'm glad. Sure. I look in the mirror and I say to myself, Gosh, you're beautiful. Oh, well, you know what I mean. You're so sweet and I'm such a worthless, brainless, shiftless, stupid...

Gee, aren't you gonna interrupt me? Don't worry, darling, everything will be alright. The world always has an opening for someone like you. You just have to find it. What do you mean, find an opening? Look at the hole I'm in now.

It's a mess! Melvin Millad, your troubles are over. What do you mean, Uncle Rupert? In this big package you see 100 beautiful boxes of candy. They'll make 100 most appropriate birthday presents for the people you sent the birthday cards to.

Hey, that's swell, but where did you get them? It so happens I ran across a dear old friend today. One Harry Greenspagel who now owns the Ace Novelty Company. Yeah, good old Greenspagel. Used to be a fellow vendor in a Berlic U-house in Hoboken.

Uncle Rupert, I never knew you sold things in a burlesque house. Oh, uh, uh, uh, purely educational! Apobographic knowledge, or gentlemen who never went to college! Hose cards to be exact! Host cards! We, we, oh la la!

Uncle Rupert. Oh, uh, the inspirational views of the Eiffel Tower. Oh. Well, let's get these boxes in the mail. Say, I'll be doing better than the life insurance company! They only set out birthday cards to customers.

the cheapskates yeah I'll be sending bond bonds by green spagle they purry I guess this will show people in this town this isn't a melon I have for a head that's right melden you've got brains in that melon with my city to get that candy from now you know me better unselfish to a fault

anyway I don't understand it we mailed that candy out two days ago and we haven't received one thank you not even a phone call oh look it comes Mrs. Longness. Ah, maybe this is my chance to win her hand.

The one that signed for chicks. I have just one box of candy left. I've tried on her and see how she likes it. Well, good luck to you. I'll leave you to a roll. Ah, Clara, my dear.

Well, hello, Rupert. So glad you dropped in. Now, Rupert, I'm in no mood for your nincompopity. Clara, I have a beautiful gift for you. A gift for me? I, Rupert. a box of French bonbons direct from Paris made by my very good friend Monsieur Grinchbago. Oh, it's quite all right. A gift for the

fairest of the fair. They come to you untouched by human hands. Grinchbago wrapped them himself. I love doughts immediately and try one. Try one of the peanut clusters. Oh, but these are not peanut clusters.

These are ordinary peanuts. If I'd known you were coming, my dear, I'd have clustered them myself. Yeah, well, no, I think I'll try one of these caramels. Mm. Ooh! Delicious, aren't they, my dear? Ooh! Stop jumping up the ground!

What the devil's the matter with her? I offer her what happened to Mrs. Longnecker. Maybe she hasn't learned how to use her new upper plate. Learn. What does she do? Take lessons? Hey, what happened anyway?

Hold on. What's this inside the candy box? What? Oh. Oh. Ace Novelty Company's number one joker. Be the life of the party. Treat your friends to sure Pucker Alum can be. Oh no! Oh. 50 Mirthquakes to a box.

Laugh yourself to death. There's been some mistake with you. Oh, some mistake is right. I can just see 98 people chasing me down the street, all of them yelling, "'C'illville, Blum!" No, take it easy, take it easy. What are you doing?

Can't you see? I'm laughing myself to death. What happened? Gosh, I feel awful. Gosh, if only one of those people we sent the candy to would say something if they'd only do something. Why don't they?

It takes a little time. Deliar! Gee, I bet they could send me to the state penitentiary for doing this to people. They can't send you to a State Penitentiary Millen. Of course they can. Using the mail's to defraud is a federal offense.

A federal offense. State penitentiary and federal prison. You know what I'll have pinned on me? A two way stretch. No, no, no, no. Be silly. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. The mail man is coming. Oooh, he's coming to the mail.

The mail man will be a move to mail. Hey, you better leave by the back door mail. If you run for the hills. No Uncle Rupert. I'm gonna face the music. Oh well. Might have been a mayor glory today Mr. Frank.

Wait. All those boxes. It's the candy we set out. And those are all the birthday cards here. Let me see. Hey. Hey they all read the same way. Listen. Return to sender. Addressy deceased. That means dead.

I looked it up. Both of them. Say now, I think I know what happened. Well, I wish you'd tell me. Don't you see, Zookie got the wrong first round of City Hall. Instead of birthday, he got the names of people who passed away.

Oh. Then I'm safe, nothing happened. That's right, and you can thank Zookie for that. Gosh, yeah. Do you save my life, Zookie? I could kiss you. Hey, you can't kiss me. I'll be here to leave. Don't you dare.

Don't you care. Ha, ha, ha, he did. Well, we'll be back in the fix-it-shop in just a minute for a Zookism. What's a Zookism? Wait and see.

Use cold, gate to powder, Keep smiling just right each morning And then use it each night Don't take a chance with your romance Use Colgate to thawless Take it from me, that little breath of trouble I mean, unpleasing breath Can put the end in friendship Or even give the air to a love affair

And the worst of it is, you may not even suspect it Because unpleasing breath can catch up with you Without your knowing it So ask yourself, could you be the victim of unpleasing breath? Guard against it this way.

Brush your teeth night and morning and before every date with Colgate tooth powder. For Colgate tooth powder cleans your breath as it cleans your teeth. Yes, scientific tests have definitely proved that in seven cases out of ten, Colgate tooth powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth.

What's more, no debtifers at any price cleans your teeth more quickly and thoroughly Then Colgate Tooth Powder. Remember to buy it first thing. And remember the name Colgate Tooth Powder. With the accent on powder.

Don't take a chance with your old man. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Well Zokey, we had quite an experience with those birthday cards. You know Zokey, I like to feel that you learn something from it.

Yes Zokey, everything has a moral. Just what did you learn? Well to be ... I was able ... Anything would be ... It's ... You must keep your nose to the right, your the right, your ...

It sure pays to be ignorant. Then ... for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle brings you the Melblanc Show every tooth near the same time. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night for more fun with Mel and the people you'll meet at Melblanc's Fix-It-Chomp. Melblanc Show was written by David Victor and Herb Little Jr. and was produced and directed

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