The Halls of Ivy: Wellmans Nose-Charter Day Ceremonies

Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents The Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous.

If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. Now the halls of Ivy! Let's erm, welcome again to Ivy. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA.

Dr. Hall, William Tucklander, hall, the president of Ivy, has problems shared by Mrs. Hall, the former Victoria Cromwell of London Stage. Problems not entirely curricular. Their immediate worry concerns the sudden and so far undiagnosed illness of a last night's dinner guest, Mr. Clarence Wellman.

Clarence Wellman, who's now recovering everybody hopes from an outrageously swollen nose in the extra bedroom. Todie, may I tell you something? Of course, my dear, what is it? You are the only man I know who can pace back and forth while sitting motionless in a chair.

Well, I'm worried, Victoria. Seeing the nose of the chairman of the Board of Governors turn a violent crimson immediately after he has dined as a guest in one's house is a privilege granted fuel college presidents. I'd say privilege in the sense that seeing the Grand Canyon at sunset is a privilege. Do you think Penny did something to his gluten bread? There's nothing you can

do to gluten bread. You either eat it or throw it away. But Mr. Wollman's illness distresses me. He and I have clashed over policy ever since his election to the bored and he's almost certain now, consciously or unconsciously, to lay both his nose and his stomach squarely at my door.

Well, really? Well, you know what I mean. Do you suppose he'll recover in time to participate in the Charter Day ceremony? No, I doubt it. He'd never have stayed here all night unless you really felt awful and his nose looked it.

Couldn't you postpone it for a while? Paspone the Charter Day ceremony. Yes. Why must it begin precisely at ten o'clock? For the same reason that the guards at Buckingham Palace wear those towering bear skins instead of our freshman beanies.

It's traditional. It's been traditional for the Charter Day ceremony to begin at ten ever since that morning back in 1640. When the governor of the colony granted a small group of pirates, smugglers and slave dealers, the right to farm the college for the propagation of all virtues.

virtues which by the way, if practiced by the founders, would have kept them much too poor to do anything of the sort. Now, I... Master Tred? Yeah, I seem to have lost the entire spool.

Oh, yes, yes. I was discussing tradition. Now, I hold no brief for tradition as such, but there are some traditions which are valuable and should I feel be maintained, especially in these days when the notion prevails at the highest aim of all human endeavours to guess correctly for a fabulous prize the name of some popular song.

I also... Excuse me, sir. Oh, what is it, Penny? A young man at the door. Say these are photographers from some picture magazine. Oh, yes. Have him come in. Yes, sir. That's a photographer? Yes.

The publishers phoned yesterday and asked if they could send someone to take pictures for an early issue. In addition to a chance of the ceremony, they want a few of me. You know the sort of thing the president of Ivy having breakfast Dining his cap and gown and Silly of course, but then the bother but perhaps a value to the school

No, no, no, not at all. I I don't think you'll disturb him. He'll merely photograph me at this end of the room Where am I cap and gown on the chair behind you? Do I look all right?

Like the very model of a college president dr. Hall. Yes. Good morning I'm Luther Bland of Exposure Magazine. Of course. How do you do? Victoria, may I introduce Mr Bland? Mr Bland? Vickie, Cromwell, isn't it?

Well, yes. But that is I was before you. I was in love with you once for a whole week. Oh, oh. How nice. When you entertain the troops at Anzion, you don't remember me of course, but I can still hear you singing Cool, Eight High the One, though.

Oh, yes, sir. Perhaps one of me is standing here near the window. Would you mind raising the blind, sir, for a bit more light? Yes, sir. How's that? Swell, now, Mrs. Hall, if I could trouble you for a smile?

Like this? Yes. Dr. Hall, you're throwing a shadow on it. Perhaps if you stood behind me. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Of course. Good. Now hold it Mrs. Hall. Now this might make a good one. One of me sitting at the table.

Mrs. Hall, I'd like one of you. Well one of you with your eyes sort of crinkling above the rim of the coffee gun. Are these? Dr. Hall. Yes. If you held back the curtain there would be a better highlight in her hair.

Good. But stand back a bit further or you'll be in the frame. Yes, we mustn't have that, must we? A bit more crinkle, Mrs. Hall. Good. That's a very nice camera you have. I even remember the dress you wore, Auntie.

It was intended that everyone should. I used to own a camera. We remember you all right, Mrs. Hall? The dress and everything in it. I'm very fatted, Mr. Bland. It was a brownie box camera.

First prize for a Sunday school attendant. Sort of hold up the coffee pot, Mrs. Hall, as though you were about to pour. That's it. Had a little carrying strap, I remember. Now, Dr. Hall. Yes?

How about one of you? Well, it's you. You have any film left? Well, what of you with Mrs. Hall? What of you with Mrs. Hall? Now let's see now. Suppose, well suppose she sort of fixes your tie.

Oh, like this? Exactly. I think I'll shoot at over Dr. Hall's shoulder. No, no, don't turn your head around to me, sir. Look at her. Yeah, good. If I may suggest a caption, the former Miss Borre Victoria Crumbell, star of English stage and friend.

Ah! Hell, I think that will give me all we need on this angle. Nearly. All you need. Mm-hmm. Now, sir, can you tell me something about the ceremony itself, so I'll have an idea on how to play in my shots?

Well, at 9.55, there will be a knock at my front door. It will be a messenger from the Chief Proctor. The customer, the messenger, is the youngest member of the student body. Who is it this year?

A prodigy named Merton Savada, who is, I believe, not quite 14. A freshman at 13? No, not a freshman. He is a present working for his master's degree. He took his A.B. at Columbia last year.

Yes. Then, at ten o'clock, the procession will come to a halt in front of this house. And the chief proctor will knock up on the door three times with his staff of office. And your readers may be interested in a picture of that staff because picture magazines do have readers, don't they?

I think some of our subscribers can read. The other, yes. Well, the, uh, the practice staff was fashioned from the limb of a wall nut tree. Mm-hmm. Sent as a gift by the University of Paris and brought to this country by Benjamin Franklin.

At the knock, I opened the door and accompanied by the chairman of the board, stand on the front steps. At our appearance, a tenor soloist sings, Gaudyama-Sigata, Archipelago. He's very, very impressive, Mr. Bland. I get a lump in my throat every time I see it.

and then the chairman of the board takes his place at the head of the procession and leads it to the chapel. I follow. Once there, several hymns, a few speeches, the reading of the charter, and it's all over.

Well, it sounds most interesting, Doctor. Thanks very much for your help, sir. I'll be going over to the Northgate now. Yes, I hope I didn't spoil any of your pictures by getting my shadow into them.

I don't think so. I was pretty careful. Good-bye, Mrs. Hall. Wonderful to have seen you again. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Right. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, nice young man. How well you describe the chart of day, Tari?

There's so many things that puzzle me about these school ceremonies. You always manage to make them so clear. Thank you. But what sort of things, Vicki? Well, for instance, why did that ceremony where you were awarded a diploma that was called commencement, when it always comes at the end of the school year?

That's a very good question. I thought so. Well, commencement, does everyone knows? Nose. You know Vicki, I have a theory about Mr. Wormans' nose. I suspect that it's the result of simple ordinary stage fright.

Stage fright? Yes. I think that he is so terrified at making his speech at the Charter Day ceremonies that his subconscious mind has come rushing to his aid with the geranium effect on his nose. He wants to be excused from speaking and doesn't even realize it. Well, I certainly know a lot of ways to

pre-stage fright. For example, it's all a matter of psychology. Every actress is a practicing psychologist, you know, whether she knows it or not. Yes, but in Mr. Wellman's case, we must first make up our minds that we will simply ignore his nose. It's quite a hurdle, Victoria. It's a bit like asking a travelling

architect to ignore the Taj Mahal. Never the less, dear, we must not concentrate on the very thing we're trying to relieve. In his case, his nose. What do we concentrate on? If I may end a sentence with a preposition and in my own home, I think I may. We must not prefer to his nose. We must build up his confidence in himself. With praise we

must say nice things to him. What can we say nice about Mr. Wellman? Hmm. Can you give me a few minutes on that? Certainly, dear. Now let me see. I have never seen him actually kick it off. It was curious. I tasted it. Now I know Now why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous?

Before we return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman, let's visit a psychology professor on another campus. He wants to tell you how scientific curiosity led him to make a pleasant discovery. Well, I'm a professor alright, but not the absent-minded variety. This is somewhat of a disappointment to my wife and two daughters who would like

nothing better than a good excuse for directing my activities. As it is, they do pretty well without one. After last semester, for example, they packed me off to a dude ranch for a vacation. My instructions were to forget psychology and experiments. I tried. But the very first day circumstances forced me to conduct what I like to call my favorite unsuccessful experiment.

I was watching a group of guests come in from a horseback ride. It was hot that day and they were tired and dusty, but our host seemed to know just what to do. He hustled out cool bottles of beer, flits I noticed from the labels. This beer was greeted with smiles of welcome that changed the looks of pleasure as the guests drank.

I began wondering, as a psychologist, mind you, what there was about Schlitz to cause such a marked reaction of pleasure. So I tasted slits, and my experiment collapsed. How could I maintain my scientific attitude when I wanted so hard to concentrate on the famous Schlitz flavor?

I waited till next day to try another class, and again had the same wonderful reaction. Now that I'm home, I keep my own supply of slits. Of course, I no longer experiment. I I drink slits for the pleasure it gives me.

And when I serve it to my friends and I see the looks of satisfaction on their faces, I can't help thinking to myself. No wonder they call slits the beer that made no walkie famous.

Dr. Hall has had a few minutes to think of some redeeming feature of Mr. Wellman's character, and remember not to concentrate on his nose, maybe he...no, too late. Here's the subject himself. Ah, good morning, Mr. Wellman.

Good morning, Mr. Wellman. Good morning to your both. Don't you sit down. Thank you. Is there something amiss with my necktie? You both keep staring at me. Oh no, no. It's a very handsome necktie.

I was admiring it. Thank you. My daughter gave it to me. I have always believed she has excellent taste. Oh, her good taste is quite obvious, Mr. Wellman. As pain, in fact, as the... As the shoes on your feet.

That's rather anob, similarly. I do hope you're feeling better this morning. still a bit queasy. Oh that's too bad. I wonder if you'd care to try a rather old remedy. Many people I know have used with much success. I would be grateful for almost anything. Well what did you have in mind Victoria? Have we any single nails

William? Single nails. Single nails isn't that a rather ridiculous... Never mind. Let it go. I knew you would think it was ridiculous Mr. Wellman. No Mrs. Hall I'm sorry. Tell I don't care if this idea was suggested by a Hindu voodoo man.

You were saying something about shingle nails. How do I eat them? No, usually eat them, Mr. Wellman. You place the point of the nail against your left thumb. Put the head of the nail against your right thumb and think about something else for five minutes.

Will you go get a shingle nail, William? Well, don't you stand there, Dr. Hall? Get her a shingle nail. I... a shingle nail. Yes, yes. I'll see if I can find one. Thank you, dear. Please sit down, Mr. Wellman.

Thank you. No, I'm too restless, Mrs. Hall. This is a shingle nail thing. I've often wondered just how much scientific basis there was for some of our odd superstitions. Perhaps this shingle nail business has some magnetic property that will steal now, an electric, negative and positive and all that.

Well, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. Sorry if they keep it, I couldn't find the shingle nail, but here's a horseshoe nail, but that don't... Well, not for Williams, simply wonderful. It really takes a horseshoe nail. I had no idea it was one in the house, but I think a shingle nail is a good thing to have in reserves.

Just in case. Take another look. Will you please? Yes, I'll be very glad to hear it. There, Sadhir. I think I know exactly what you want. Well, let me take the nail, Mrs. Hola. How do I hold it? I like this?

No, no, the point against the left thumb. No, the point against the left. Now the head against the right thumb. Now just hold it or we just talk. It reminds of it. What shall we talk about?

Oh, the weather, television, stock market, your speech. That's it, your speech. What did you plan to say at the Charter Day sentiment, Mr. Wellman? Well, I open, I say ladies and gentlemen. Let's say good, very good.

It is? Of course it is, because after all the people you are talking to are ladies and gentlemen, now keep the point of the nail against your left thumb. Oh, oh, oh, yes. It struck me as being a rather good way to start.

Oh, yes, it is. Now keep the head against the right thumb. That's it, that's it. Now, then what do you say? And then I say, we are gathered here today. Oh, that's nice. You like that, Mrs. Hall?

Yes, yes, I do, Mr. Wellman. Mr. Wellman. After all it is today, and they will be gathered there. It has something of the truth and simplicity of the Gettysburg Address. And then how does your speech go, Mr. Wellman?

And then I say, we are gathered here today to honor the men and women, who by their noble deeds shall be removed. The door. Yes, dear, I heard it. The dress you're cute. Yes. And you're on.

Vicki, I may be on, but I prefer to have the reminder couched in slightly more formal terms. This is an occasion of some importance. Now I go with you. Of course. I'll just stand here off stage and watch.

It was funny, I thought. Good morning, sir. Oh, there you are, down there. Good morning, sir. Good morning, Master Sculler. It is my pleasure, sir, as well as my duty to inform you that I bear a message from the chief proctor.

What is the message, Master Sculler? Sir the faculty and the students escorting the charter bearing the seal of the colony are approaching Thank you master scholar and good morning good morning to you sir Shouldn't you be getting ready? Well the procession will take a little time to get here, but I should get started

Let me help you on with your robe tardy now there that's it. Oh You do look pretty Thanks, you're right here where is mr. Wellman as your medicine cured him. I think so you told me so himself Oh, he wouldn't miss the boat.

Hm, hm. Not that I'm against boat missing. In fact, darling, I like people who miss boats. Well, if that's a personal reference, my dear, missing a boat was the most intelligent thing I ever did.

The young Professor Hall on board ship, with only a few minutes remaining of his five months sabbatical in England. His last few dollars invested in a passage from Southampton to New York and his emotions invested in a beautiful actress whom he would probably never see again.

The last going ashore warning? Yes, I know. And I am gosh, ticket. So if you don't mind letting go of me, I'd better be. No, no, no, I can't possibly be the last warning. They must give several good heavens.

They don't expect people to dash aboard and hand somebody a basket of fruit and dash off again. Oh, Vicki, I wish they'd play something a little less sentimental, don't you? Yes. It's difficult enough to wish a friend goodbye on your ear- See?

Well, I'm... Blind underscore it like that. Why? I hate saying goodbye to you anywhere at any time, Victoria. Oh, mere words at times like these. I haven't many words either, William. About three, in fact.

Little ones. Three little words for me? Vicky, you don't mean... Yes, I do. Oh, that is, uh, three words, isn't it? isn't it? You know, it's going to be hard to concentrate on my work when I get back to the United States. I like that. I'll forever be thinking such thoughts as this is Monday. It was on a Monday

that Victoria and I drove to Stratford to see Shakespeare's home. And stop for Bundabambury Cross on the way. And on Tuesday, it was at Tuesday that Victoria and I visited Madame Tussaud's waxworks. Yeah, and you tried to tip the wax door, man. None of those dear, oh Vicki, I wish we had it all to do over again. Perhaps we can, sometime soon. I'm afraid not soon,

dear. Professor Don't get sabbaticals every year. I know, but the play I'm in might be produced in New York. When, how's it be? Did you? Has anything been said about it? No, But something's going to be good Vicki yes, will you will you Will you remember the address I gave you and write to me?

Of course, I will dear I promise And if you let go my hands Across my heart. I don't want to let you go Vicki I I know Vicki Vicki Vicki I love you very much will you marry me Oh thought you were going to leave without asking me I almost did old darling darling what's that oh it's the steward yes sure take my luggage

ashore I'm not sailing come on Vicki William yeah it's mr. Wellman good he's just in time I'll say wellman take these bags off the ship I'm taking the next one I don't know that's a good chapter No no will you mr. Wellman I guess why doesn't he take the luggage Well, I guess we'll you talking about the doctor hall and what lucky

Well, have you been afraid I was a little bit at sea might here Almost I'm sorry mr. Wellman. It was um, oh good heavens. What's happened to your nose? It looks like a nose again It doesn't tell, it doesn't it? That's exactly what it looks like. That's a remarkable remedy you possess, Mrs. Hall. Horshelale. Remarkable, really remarkable, and time is remarkable. And

may I say, Dr. Hall, that your robe is extremely becoming? I hope mine has as fine a drink. I see no reason why it shouldn't. You'll be in a sermon in his development. Of course, of course, would miss it to the world, going to read his speech. A good speech too, dictated myself reminded Mrs. Hall of Lincoln. Let me help you on with your gown.

Oh, figure. There it is. Our caps, if you please, Victoria. Thank you. Are you ready, son? I am. My arm, Mrs. Hall. Already, Kaka. What do you think, Entari? I always think when I hear that son. Socrates questioning the opinion youth. Renaissance Renaissance children's obtaining licenses to bake their way through college.

Dr. Einstein playing his violin, safe on the campus of Princeton instead of being a bit of charred bone, book and bowled or house fits. Sir Francis Bacon catching the cold from which he died by stuffing a fowl with snow to test the theory of refrigeration.

And astronomers alone in observatories on cold and starry nights, and the inscription carved about the library entrance. You shall know the truth and the truth will make you free. Vicky, look, there goes Wellman. But the devil was that shingle nonsense. You gave him.

Which is nonsense if it works there. And it did work. Look at him. See how he squared his shoulders. I just gave him back a little self-confidence and his nose deflated like a great big red inner tube. It was fascinating.

imagine it was. Why don't you ever give me a treatment like that? You don't need it, Toddy. Oh, I'm not so sure of that today. I'm afraid this speech might have been a survival week.

Your speeches are never weak. How does it go? I begin by saying on the visitors, governors, gentlemen of the faculty and students. And you think so? Yes, perfect. How does it go from that? Well, then I say having but recently been reappointed as president of Ivy College.

William, that's wonderful because you were just recently appointed. It is my considered opinion, but in the ensuing semester, the plans which we have formed... You know maybe this speech is better than I thought. Anyway, after that I say...

Yes, dear? You can even do it without a nail, can't you? I was curious.

I tasted it. Now I know why. Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again are Mr. and Mrs. Wattle Coleman. You know my dear, your choice of that horse you nail. I thought was very silly at first, but I'm beginning to regard it as being richly symbolic.

Symbolic? For what, goodness sake? Well, of Mr. Wellman's being continually underfoot. Did I ever recite my little verse on the superstition? I rather fancied myself as a poet when quite young. Go on. I'd love to hear.

Well, to the best of my memory, it went, for ancient days the symbols came, the sign, the amulet, the charm, the seal, the ring, the coin, a name to conjure with and shield from harm.

Faith in and dread of all these things is one of man's great racial quirks, but down through time the question rings, why scorn the gimmick if it works. Oh darling, I do think that's wonderful.

But is it just superstition when it works? Do you mean that? Vicki, that's why poets live in inaccessible gatots, so no one can ask them what they mean. Good night, everyone. Good night. We'll be singing next week this time at the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman.

The other players were Herbert Butterfield, Gloria Gordon, Peter Leeds, and Henry Blair. The night-strip was rippled by Walter Brown Newman and Don Quim. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The halls of Ivy was created by Don Quim, directed by Matt Wolf, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin,

and Carpenter speaking. Next here we the people over most of these same NBC stations.