The Halls of Ivy: Gangsters Son

Ladies and gentlemen, the jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous.

If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. And now, the Hall of Ivy! That's the wrong... Welcome again to Ivy, the College of Ivy and the Town of Ivy, USA.

Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, President of Ivy College, has all the troubles common to college presidents. They consist mostly of fiscal matters, financial affairs, and money. As he's often been heard to say, a man in his position must be one part babysitter, one part mediator, and 98 parts panhandler.

But Dr. Hall has at least one advantage over his scholastic opposite number. He has a wife named Victoria, formerly a glittering ornament of the English musical comedy theatre. And now the epitome of what a tired man should uphold you.

Ah, what a lovely room this is. Not an old grad in sight. Vicki, are you here? Yes, dear. Oh, you look tired, Totti. Hello, Roxy. Oh, not too awfully bad. I have pledges of $151,000 toward the New Gymnasium.

Well, that's wonderful. $150,000 seems like a great deal of money. Yes, yes, it does. Until you remember that these are pledges, not cash. Hmm. I suppose there is a difference. There is indeed. The same difference it exists between the sudden slight illness of a wealthy uncle and the reading of the will.

Ah, yes Penny, ready with the tea? Right here, sir, and some yes I read biscuits, too. Thank you, Penny. Penny, yes, Mum. How many times must I tell you? Cookies, not biscuits. We are now in the United States of America and we speak Mr. Truman's English, not the King.

Yes, Mum. Our king, Cheyenne, Mum. Lipses, elevators, tramses, streetcars, And a doke is a prize for a fist. Fish, she says. Oh, stop grilling, Fermi. There you are, William. I'm glad you brought Penny over here with you, Victoria.

The way she makes tea should cement British-American relations for years to come. Yes. And the way she makes coffee would dissolve the cement overnight. Does anything happen today? Well, I don't think. Well, I didn't think there was a young man named Gray who wanted to see you.

He came three or four times. He was all emotionally upset. Emotional upset are not infrequent among college age young men, Vicki. They are psychic growing pains. Ah, that's probably Mr Gray. You bet take care of his growing pains and call me when he's cured.

I'll be in the kitchen. Tonight I'm making the coffee myself. A gentleman to see you, Dr. Rolle, and Mr. Malat. Mr. Malat? Malat, but he couldn't be easy. Ask him in, Penny. Dr. Nius, sir.

How long? How do you do? Er, Penny, please take the things away, you know? Unless I can offer you a cup, sir. Oh, thank you. Er, Dr. Hall, I'm Mike Malat. Yes, I've seen your picture in the paper.

What did you wish to see me about? Well, Dr. Grapevine says you're out after some dough for a new gem, is that right? The grapes on your vine are a little overripe, Mr. Malat. It's rather common knowledge.

And what about it? I want to give you some. May I ask you a question, Mr. Malat? Sure. But I warn you, Doc, I've been questioned by experts under brighter lights than you got them here.

Go ahead. What business are you in? Well, that's a fair question. I got a string of dry cleaning joints. That's on top, on the bottom, I make book. Bookmaking is not legal, Operation, Mr. Maloch.

Uh, your legal or real legal, Doc, depends on locations. Horsebooking is against the law in this country. In England, it's legal. Well, then I suggest you make your donation to Oxford. That's in England. I ain't got a kid in Oxford.

You have a kid attending Ivy College? Yeah, son. I didn't know that. Well, not many people do, Doc, and I want to keep it off the record. He's a good boy. I want to see him get the breaks that I didn't get when I was a kid.

In a cold water flat laying on a cheap mattress with a piece of billiard cue waiting for the next wrap to come out of the plaster. Mr. Molot, I fully sympathize with your intention of giving your son the advantages you lacked.

I'm not asking for sympathy, Doc. I'm asking for a square deal for the kid that's so. Ivy College does not sell square deals, Mr. Molot. We have here the sons and daughters of rich men, poor men, beggar men, thieves, doctors, lawyers and merchants of almost everything.

I doubt if anyone here expects more of a square deal than he is entitled to through hard work, decency and a certain civilizing contact with his fellows. How do they get this contact? I should think that would be obvious in classes, preternities, sports and yeah, but He ain't getting it.

Why, isn't he? I don't know. He's got a nice personality, but no nice friends, only stooges. I want to get him into a fraternity and don't tell me that ain't for sale. I do tell you that.

Now, wait a minute. If this school gets, say, a quarter of a million bucks toward a new gymnasium, you mean nobody can pull hard enough to get a boy into a fraternity? I understand a lot.

I'm afraid you are somewhat vile and training has distorted your social viewpoint. Well, break that down. I shall. You, Mr. Malott, have had too much experience with special privilege. You've spent too many years purchasing crooked policemen, alderman, judges.

You've made yourself a power in the land through money, through fear. You are a totalitarian. If your son wishes to... Does he, by the way, know that you are here in his behalf? in his behalf. He knew it had slugged me. Good. I say good because now I'm interested in Eddie. Eddie who by the way I gather he is not using your name. Oh great. Eddie

great. I'll talk to your son Mr. Milott but I'm afraid I must refuse your donation to our gymnasium. You mean my money I couldn't have huh. Oh money has no status of its own When it's merely a medium of exchange, the only question that arises is what would we be expected to exchange for it?

In this case, special privileges to one Eddie Gray. However, I am impressed by any boy who has the integrity to poke his father in the nose for attempting to buy him into the good graces of his fellows.

You don't accept the donation. Not yours, Mr. Malat. Well, that's my personal reaction. I may be overruled. Well, okay. Wellmen thought you might take that attitude. Woman? Yeah. You mean Mr. Town's Roman of our governing board?

Mm-hmm. He really wants this, Jim Daisy, I mean, huh? Well, thanks for the conversation. You don't have to go to the door with me. I, uh, I won't steal anything on the way out. The only thing I have which you might want can neither be stolen nor sold, Mr. Milot.

Good day. I'll be serious. The quarter of a million dollars. All I'm afraid your vaunted integrity will someday get you a fine position running a filling station. What I'd be too inquisitive, Toddy, if I asked what Mr. Molot wanted.

Oh, so you recognized him, eh, Vicki? Er, I've, er, I've heard him in the courtroom, in newsreels. I never forget a voice. He's, um, arrogant, isn't he? He has the arrogance of purchasing power. A man who has lifted himself by his own bootleg, if I may perpetrate a mile punch.

Uh, Vicki? Yes, yes. See if you can get a student named Eddie Gray to come over and see me. Will you? Certainly. Ha! Oh, Eddie Gray! Well, that's the boy who's been trying to see you all day.

Yes, he's Mike Molot's son. No! I'm anxious to talk to him. His father is a sterling character. Devaluated. I want to see how far the devaluation has gone. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Schlitz is the bear that made Milwaukee famous.

There's a story behind those words, a pleasant story that may suggest something equally pleasant to you. So before we return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman, here's a curious artist who tell us about the masterpiece he discovered aboard a steamer.

I'm a portrait painter, and other people's faces are my fortune. So it isn't surprising that studying faces has become almost second nature with me. Just last month, for instance, during my trip to Bermuda, I was in the lounge pretending to read a magazine, but actually watching a man drink beer. As the beer passed his lips,

you could see his expression change from pleasant anticipation to complete satisfaction. But the more I watched, the more distracted I became. Instead of just observing the man's expression, I found myself wondering what it would be like to taste a beer that could give so much satisfaction. I took the trouble to look at the label on the bottle. The man

was drinking slits. I'd heard about slits, of course, but I'd never tasted it. So I called a waiter and ordered the bottle. I discovered that slits was more than a work of art. It was a master piece. Here was a beer so fine and so distinctive that the complete picture of its goodness could only be painted by tasting it. As I sat there drinking my glass of slits

and enjoying every drop, I happened to glance into the mirror. There was that same look of satisfaction I'd seen before. Only this time I was wearing it. As an artist, I'd doth my beret if I had one, to the beer that can commend such a reaction. No wonder they call slits The beer that made Milwaukee famous.

That's the wrong way. Mrs. Hall is asking a question. Would you prefer to be left alone with a boy, William, when he gets here? On the contrary, Vicki, I wish you'd stay.

After all, one of the reasons I married you was so that I could utilize your understanding for young people. Or did you think it was just because you were beautiful, charming, and I loved you very much?

Well, I really don't think you had very much to say about it, Tardy. The minute we met, I decided to marry you, and with typical British tenacity, I followed through. Any regrets? Oh, no, no, I've liked it from the first.

And not only for the usual reasons, love and affection and admiration and all that, but historically, our marriage has perspective. It has, dear? Yes, England has always been married to America. All they may bicker a bit, criticize each other's manners, argue over the paycheck, but let one of them hear a burglar in the middle of the night, and they start helping each other

look through the bureau drawers for the family revolver. Which, for some reason, they never keep loaded. Yes, I always think that it was at the doorbell. Yes, it must be Mr. Gray, and you do want me to say it?

Please, you can be maternal while I am in local parentis. parent is well whatever that is yeah I'm sure you'll do it very successfully Mr. B. Yes any young gentlemen to see doctor or no bring him right in to me yes sir just get in here please sir thank you good afternoon mrs. Hall how do you do hello doctor I'm at with Greg I'm sorry

I was out when you called before Greg won't you sit down thank you sir I think we've made the fore Mr. Gray you were kind and undertow some books out to my card the book shot last week oh that was all right I was just in there killing a couple hours anyway buying some magic stuff magic stuff a parlor magic doctor

it's kind of a hobby look I'll show you here's a deck of cards take one anyone very well but this one okay now put it back in the deck you remember the card yes it was yeah go go go don't tell William go ahead to grey okay now I shuffle the deck fire a pistol which I just happened to have in my left hand and if

If you'll look up doctor, I believe that's the card you selected fastened to the ceiling with a thumb pack. Well, very interesting. How did you do that? William, please, one never asked the magician to reveal a trick.

I'm sorry, that was very well done, Greg. Thank you, sir. I have a lot of time to practice. I don't belong to any of the organizations around here, so well, that's why I wanted to see you.

What do you mean? I think maybe I ought to leave Ivy. Well, it seems a little drastic, Grey. Have you discussed this with your faculty advisor? No, sir. My faculty advisor is Professor Bolton. He's a droop.

I mean... Oh, don't apologize, Mr. Grey. I think he's a bit of a group myself. You mean he do? Er, Victoria, just maternal. Exactly! Why are you unhappy here, Grey? You've been getting good marks.

I don't have any trouble with studies, doctor, but the guys. I mean the men and girls I'd like to go around with. Well, I seem to attract just the free ride, kids. You know what I mean.

Now I make a suggestion, Eddie, if I may call you Eddie. Oh, sure, Mrs. Hall. Get rid of that big, shiny convertible. Send it home. Get a broken down, Jaloski. Jaloski is the word, my friend.

LAUGHTER If his origin is obscure, although etymologists believe there is some slight connection with the Mexican word gel up which is a purgative tuberous or excuse me I didn't mean to be pedantic you were saying well I was telling Mr. Gray to get rid of that big flashy car also early rock clothes are too good too obviously expensive how do you expect to be one of

a gang when you ride around looking like a Maharaja I think Mrs. Hall has a definite point there Gray a lot of Ivy students are working their way through school. How do you think you look to them in your $200 suits and your $5,000 car by good heavens I resent you myself? Gosh I never thought of it like that. I always had

that stuff and I wasn't trying to throw it around. Eddie, will you do something for me? I don't think there's anybody in the school that wouldn't do anything for you Mrs. Hall. Oh, thank you. And the junior father is just six weeks away and we need You need me?

Oh, see what's for? Well, we're rather desperately in need of a good act in one. In one one? In one? In one? It means in front of the curtains, while they change the scenes. And if you were to a magic act for 10 or 12 minutes, you'll be one of the most popular men in the school.

But hey, I'm not good enough for that. Well, you have six weeks to brush up, Greg. Then you'll say to yourself, we don't know what to do with your spare time. Well, I... Oh, but look, I'll just have to have something to say, won't I?

When I can't just stand up there and throw rabbits around. Can you meet me in the auditorium at school? Say three tomorrow. Have your class done? Oh sure. But for this I'll cut it. How about my pattern?

The word is pronounced pater, my boy. And I think he'll be very pleased when he's... No, no, no, no, no. What do you want? He said patter. Not pater. Patter means a monologue. Oh. Oh, good magicians have a line of patter, Eddy.

And I can write you one this very evening that can't possibly fail. Oh, jeez. Please watch me closely and you will notice that I perform this feat. My hands never leave my arms. You're not the sort of thing.

Tomorrow then. Oh, it's a deal, Mrs. Hall. Thanks a lot, doctor. This has been wonderful. Yes, I found it. Rather interesting myself. Let me know how you get along, Eddy. Good day. Bye, sir. Bye.

Bye. Vicki, if you pull this boy out of his sensitive isolation and making one of the crowd, it'll Be a magic actor which you may well be proud. Oh, not, sister. This is really a nice boy, not a pride.

He'll be all right. And if he makes a fraternity, then maybe you can accept his father's donation to the gymnasium. Oh, I think not the gymnasium. I don't want to see my stuffy moralist. I'll get it.

Dr. Hall's residence. Oh, oh yes, Mr. Maryweather. Yes, of course I'll tell him. Yes, you'll be fair. No, no, not at all. Goodbye. Mr. Meriwether. Yes. He and Mr. Wellman have something they wanted to discuss with you.

Three guesses, dear. This is a certainty. Mr. Meriwether and Mr. Wellman have been asked or have volunteered to make me change my mind by coercion, persuasion, blackmail or blunt instrument. And can you, our fans, think of our blunt instrument, but Mr. Wellman.

Oh dear. In nor a duller one. No. I hope to goodness they're not going to stay long. Dinner tonight is special for you. Lentil soup. Ah, lentil soup. Ha ha ha. With little bits of sausage swimming about in it.

Oh, oh, oh. Wishing they were being eaten at Blue Charles instead of all day. Ha ha. You remember Blue Charles on 14th Street, big kid? You did. Cause I do, sorry. You took me there the night I landed in New York.

Lentil soup, the enish nitzel, strawberry pancake. And I was the slim young actress with a new wardrobe who was about to open and give the Yes, personally, but the time we'd walked all the way to Central Park. I was hungry again Some day Vicki I shall endow the city of New York with a special Central Park bench

the Victoria Cromwell Memorial bench for the exclusive use of lovers and You can put a little brass plate on it that says Did you sit here and it gently rains and you stay anyway? You have the blessings of William Victoria Put your hand on, Toddy. It's raining.

Oh, it isn't raining very hard. It feels not good. It's refreshing. But, um, I don't want you to catch cold. Oh, I won't, dear. I've walked miles in Hogwarts than this. You won't miss London and England too much, will you, Vicki?

If I was still Victoria Cromwell, I'd probably miss it terribly. But as Mrs. William Todd Hunter Hall, geography doesn't seem very important. Who means Morten Newton, where? Let me put my coat over your shoulders a little more.

There. And your hands are getting wet. I know. But if I put my gloves on, I can't look at my rings. I'm afraid it's a very little ring. Darling, it's the biggest thing that ever happens.

I love it. And I love you. And I... now I borrow your hat. Thank you. We'd better go. Your cheeks are getting wet. Not in the rain, Todit. I always wait when I'm happy. I think you should know it now, because I expect to be doing a lot of it.

I hope you'll never have to wait for any other reason, Dicky. Well, your tears are concerned. I'm all for private ownership of water power. Oh, my dear, you're so well. Well, well, well now. What's all this?

Oh, hello, officer. It's a lovely evening, isn't it? No, it isn't. It's raining. Oh. Why don't you go home? I'm paid to stay out in it, but you're not. You're not. I'm being amply compensated, officer.

So don't worry about us. My wife and I like the rain. Oh, your wife, I thought you were sweetheart. Well, yes, I don't have to worry about you two carbon your initials on the bench.

Good night to you. Good night, officer. Good night, officer. Oh, cynical fellow. Doesn't think husbands and wives can be sweetheart. I think we should teach him a message. How it's all this? A George Jack knife.

I'm going to carve two hearts in twine on this bench. WTH loves B.C. I think I thought it. Oh, what's a little thunder? It isn't raining hard enough to... The teddy! The little thunder! Someone's not...

Well, let them knock out first night in New York and play in beer. There's somebody at the door. At the door? What's the central park? Hasn't any... Oh, the door! Oh, yeah! Maybe it's a good thing I might have carved our initials on the piano.

Oh, Pardis, Pardis, you are an incurable baby dreamer? Yes, I'm afraid I am victorious, incurable and incredibly lucky. That's not? Because my darling, few day dreamers can return to an actuality one half as pleasant as Martin.

It's never ever a Mr. Vellement to see you, Doctor. Good afternoon, Mr. Mary. Where's the letter? Oh, the letter. Well, it's the sound gentlemen. Thank you, Mrs. All. Won't keep you. But a few minutes, Doctor.

You probably know what we're calling about. Yes, I think I do. It's about an offer of a quarter of a million dollars for our new gymnasium, Dr. Hall. And I could rest in believing that you refuse to accept it.

Quite correct, Mr. Well. Personally, Doctor, I don't think you'd turn down a sum of money like that without some very good reason. Clarence here and some of the other board members are pretty upset about it.

I'm upset that I say. Yes, sir. The ulcers were jumping like popcorn. The Board of Governors had a right to be upset very well. As badly as this college needs a quarter of a million dollars.

Yes, yes, yes. We know better. A lot of money, but money isn't everything. It's almost everything, I'll admit. But let's give Dr. Hall a chance to explain. How about it, doesn't it? No, it's very simple, Mr. Merryweather. To me, it needs...

Well, to me, it's a down-mike... ...quiet, French and witch burner. Yes, sir. Gentlemen, when an institution dedicated to shaping the characters of future citizens accepts money from a dubious source, it must also be prepared to accept the accusation of undue influence.

I couldn't agree with you more, don't you? And I couldn't disagree more, very well. The source of this donation is not important. When you consider the benefits of a new geneticism in this country. Excuse me, Mr. Wellman.

Yes, sir, Mrs. Haller. Listen a lot warned my husband that you wouldn't care for this attitude. He was right, I don't. I'm sure he had no intention of disturbing any friendly relation that you might have with Mr. Malott.

What friendly relation? Is that Hootle and McPally yours, Clarence? Certainly not. Don't be an idiot, Mary-Levis. I know the man only in the business way. Business? What business would you have with Malott? Oh, it was a long time ago and not important.

I had stuck in some cleaning establishments and Malott used his influence. That is, we have to do with data. Is this general knowledge, Mr. Wellman? No, I don't think so. I hope not. But what the point is, Dr. Wellman...

Oh, it is, Clarence. You're a dead duck. What a juicy item for the papers. College officials use the influence to take donation from ex gangster Fran. Good gracious man, you don't think? They'd hang you from the chapel people and you know it.

Bad money, Mr. Wellman. You can't take it. I'm sorry if you disagree. He doesn't disagree. And either will anyone else on the board when I explain it to him. You're right again, Doctor. I don't know why we can't seem to learn that.

Come on, Clarence. Very well. But the quarter of a million hours. It's a lot of lettuce, but there's too much oil in the dressing. Good night, Doctor. Good night, sir. Good night. Good night. Good night.

I think you handled that very well, William. It was Maryweather who handled it my dear, Maryweather, and you. My dear girl, don't look so innocent. That sympathetic remark of yours about not wishing to disturb the tender relationship between Wellman and Malat.

That was blackmail. Shear, downright beautiful blackmail. Send us. Yes, Penny? Dinner is served, certainly at the end of the evening. Yes, Penny. No, Penny. We're going for a walk. We always go for a walk after lentil soup in the park.

Now, let me think. Where did I put my jackknife? I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Slits is the beer that made Milwaukee famous.

And here again are Mr. Mrs. Ronald Corbin. My dear, there are times when I think that you should be president of Ivy College. What else should you think that? There's a popular belief that the female of the species is devious, in direct and entirely intuitive.

Personally, I find the methods of your sex appalling list straightforward. I once wrote a two-line version of the subject. Well, tell. I called it advice on practical plumbing, but it contains a rather atrocious pun.

It went something like this. For that difficult task, just go to your bench and select with a job an adjustable wench. I'm telling you, that's very amusing, Dan. If you'd excuse me, I'd go and adjust myself for dinner.

Certainly, darling. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. Please, Mr. Bestie. I am at the halls of IVA starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Herbert Butterfield, Robert Waterman, William Conrad, Gil Stratton, Jr., Ted Osbourn, and Gloria Gardner.

Tonight's script was written by Don Quinn and Walter Brown Newman. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The halls of IVA was created by Don Quinn, directed by Mark Wolfe and presented by the Joseph Schlitz-Browing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

and coveners here we the people of the most of the same nbc stations