The Halls of Ivy: Student Editorial

I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Slits is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about slits for yourself.

And now the Joseph Schleitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. That's a long... Welcome again to Ivy.

Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. This falls most people regard a college president when they happen to think of him at all, as a man concerned only with scholarly matters such as a fat endowment or a new football stadium.

This is a profound misconception. In most respects, college presidents have the same interests we do. At this moment, for example, Dr. William Todd Hunter Fall, the president of Ivy, sets But book in hand, seeking the answer to a question millions of thoughtful Americans are asking themselves tonight.

Who done it? Mrs. Hall is going over the household accounts. Tardy, the telephone. Tardy, please ask the telephone. I hear it, Victoria, but I don't see it. You were the one who wanted the extra long extension cord installed.

I know I did. I thought it would be a convenience. I didn't foresee it as an endless series of rucks through the living room. You, erm, you see it anywhere? I see, Mr. D coming from that part of the room.

It's coming from every part of the room. Mr. D, look under the couch. This is one of the most infuriated. Yes, what is it, Penny? The telephone is ringing, sir. Thank you. We are trying to find it.

I found the cord. That's good. Now, follow it to the end. It's all right, Penny. Well, I'm still in Victoria. Wrong end. No, again. This happens every time. I can't. Oh, here it is. I've got it.

Well done. Now let's see. It's stopped. As it's provoking to think it may have been important. It's even more provoking to think it may have been a wrong number. Stop worrying over it, Toddy. You said you were going to relax this evening.

Go on back to your mystery. Is this a good one? Yes, very interesting. Yes, very intriguing and almost as bloody as hamlet. Why can I have a question? No, thank you, darling. I'm quite comfortable.

I can reach it. Hello? Yes, speaking. No, good evening. Fine, thank you. Tonight? Well, yes, it is really important. When shall I expect you? Very well, and yes, good-bye. The chairman of the board is coming over. Mr. Wellman, I suspect he has bad news for me.

He sounded so horribly cheerful. With a Clarence Roman, the stinker? The same. Chairman of the board of governors and spark plug of the let's drive Dr. Hall to an early grave campaign. Oh, Peter, could you put him off?

He's such a shame to let yourself in for such dreadful downness on your one free night. that I shall find a dull, woman and I share a common interest in... I wonder what sort of a nasty brew he's concocted this time.

Well, no, I knew he'd got the other shoe, Tottie. You were saying that you and Mr. Wellman share a common interest? A common interest in what? My job. I have it and he wants me out of it.

It has been after that for years, pursuing it with a fixity of purpose and the utter lack of humor of a child reading a comic book. No point in fretting. Have an apple. Vicki Darling, I love you, but I cannot be soothed with a pitting.

I won't try to soon, you tardy. He's many trying to induce it, eat some fruit. You never eat any at all. It's bad for you. You're still any chance of Mr. Wilman getting you out of your job?

Oh, not for the next five years. My contract, as you know, runs through 1955. But he seems to have reasoned that if little drops of water can, and the course of time, produce a phenomenon like the Grand Canyon, I need not complete the thoughts.

You sure you're what proud you're in? Er, quite sure, my dear. In my most tranquil moments, I have little taste for apples. I'd even less while awaiting the arrival of a colleague who is seeking to de-hosting.

Oh, it's very odd, you know. I should attest, fruit, too. It's taken so prominently in my first professional appearance. We're only Victoria. I've always thought of your theatrical career as a series of personal trends.

You know what it was? It was, for the most part. But not in this particular instance. I was only 15, but rather right for my age, when a comic named Artipunero offered me a job as his partner in a variety term.

15, I wish I'd seen the act. No, no, no, change your mind when I'll tell you we were builders. Punero and Cromwell, those funny people. We broke in a turn at a small variety house in the East End of London.

I like to think the performance fluffed because of its subtlety. What was it like? Well, I'd feed Artie a line and he'd retort a wittle in, and then we'd slosh each other about the head with inflated bladders.

The harvest of fruit generally occurred after we've been on a bat's been it, and order was not restored until about the six cores of God's near the king. And you still like apples? Nine o'clock, well, man, we'll be here any minute.

Oh, Charlie, don't look so concerned. Do you think he's got some particular grudge against him? No, no, I don't think so. No, he's just a sort of an intellectual Sunday driver. He has no destination in mind and resents being passed by someone who has.

Oh, there he is now. Well, Penny, let him in. And you're not really worrying about his visit, are you? No, but the jawbone of an ass is a legendary weapon. And Mr. Wellman, being equipped with both uppers and loins.

Good evening, Mr. Haugh. Good evening. Good evening, Dr. Haugh. Good evening. Come in. Thank you. How are you feeling this evening, Dr. Haugh? I'm never better. You should have seen the dinner I ate. Oh, good.

Good. I really touched it away with both hands. Then I didn't die victorious. You certainly did. And imagine, no sooner we left the table and settled ourselves in here. They asked for an airport. Well you are, will you have one?

Thank you, Victoria. Not at all. Would you care for my Mr. Wellman? No, no, thank you. Apples do not agree with me. No, sit down, Mr. Wellman, won't you? This won't take very long. Ooh!

I seem to have sat on your book. Oh, no, uh, I'm sorry, I must have... Oh, Raymond Harris' latest. Ooh! He died laughing. Finished it? No, I'm in the middle. I read it last night.

mystery I thought. Have you guessed yet that the elevator girl Dolores is the murderer? No. No, I haven't. I imagine I will very soon though. Is there anything else you wish to see me about? Oh, yes, I have here a copy of today's edition of the student's newspaper, the Ivy Bulletin. I want to read the editorial to you if I may just listen to this. The statements

issued by our Board of Governors, resemble the peace of God, in that they are beyond human comprehension. Never has so much path. What? Let me see that. It's quite the most vicious attack I've ever had.

Who's responsible for this? Young Buckley, I presume. Jared Buckley, the editor. I shall most certainly demand a full explanation. Governors were so incensed with a lord knows of this. They know of this editorial howl.

I had some other business to take up with them called an informal meeting early this evening. This was taken up in passing. I naturally assumed they were already familiar with it. Naturally. Everyone knows that prosperous industrialists spend most of their time devouring student publications.

It was an irregular meeting. I trust it does not upset you. Oh, not in the least. Victoria, may I have another apple? Oh, yeah. Thank you. I assumed the board would be familiar with the editorial because of my own interest in the bulletin.

I was its editor, if I were a member of a class of 1907. Imagine I heard, and I realized they had heard nothing about this editorial and never would have had I not brought it to a dilatension.

You must have felt dreadful. Immediately tried to undo the damage I had so innocently caused. I told them I felt certain there were some explanations for an editorial which discussed me and the other members of the board in terms one would not apply even to a mongrel dog.

That failed to calm them? My efforts to pour oil upon the troublewasters merely incensed to them all. Incredible. They instructed me to go to the root of the matter and to announce to you that they would press for buckling's expuncial.

Is an idiot, expuncial. The decision to expel rests entirely with me. Until I know the full story, I refuse even to consider it. The members of the board are entirely justified in the resentment. But so drastic a step is not to be thought of prior to a full investigation.

Well, of course, that's a better resting entirely between you and the members of the board, of which I merely happened to be the chairman. I'm not a good heaven to look at the time. I didn't intend to state this long.

I must have bored you to death as my dull, sharp-taught Mrs. Horvall. Oh, not at all. Your visit is very stimulating. Give me all sorts of ideas. I felt very kind of you to say so.

Good night, Doctor. I don't bother to see me to the dawn. Good night. I want you to know, I'm fully aware of how you've gone out of your way and this matter with the editorial.

Oh no, no, no, don't mention it. I always like to do whatever I can. Yes, that's what I mean. Good night. You see, as bad as it sounds, darling. I'm afraid it'll require more than six choruses of God save the king to save this act, Victoria.

I must see young backly at once to determine exactly what prompted his outburst. I have Groban located him. I'll call him now and... Oh no! What is it, Toddy? It's gone that leaping telephone has slipped its lesion undercover again. Come on, Dickey. You take that side of the Roman I'll take this side

Between us we should be able to find a fountain I was curious I Tasted it now. I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous When you hear a man talk like that, you know he's had a pleasant experience, one that may suggest something equally enjoyable to you.

So before we return to the halls of I have a starring Mr. and Mrs. Wattle Coleman, let's hear what happened in a rumpus room with an amateur railroad tycoon, entertained a man who couldn't very well be a neighbor of yours.

My story concerns a friend who loves to demonstrate the workings of his model railroad, and how he put me on the right track to the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Now if that sounds confusing, it's only because you weren't with me that evening.

When I helped my friend manipulate his model trains with a skill that would have put Casey Jones to shame. My wife was along, and as she says, you know how men are, so it was evidently no surprise to her that I became completely engrossed in switching tiny streamliners and backing freight cars all over the basement.

But what did surprise her was that my enthusiasm for railroading evaporated so quickly. Now I'll have to admit that my interest in model locomotives collapsed like a punctured balloon. The minute that tray came round the bend.

Well the tray held Schlitz beer. Certainly I was curious. But certainly my friend, who was so exacting about details in his hobby, would be equally concerned with the fine points of any beer he served.

So while everyone else was helping get the trains back into the roundhouse, I was savoring that first taste of slits. Maybe my wife is right. Maybe I wasn't minding my manners, but I've been minding them ever since.

For now when we have callers, I'm a perfect host. I serve slits, and I've never forgotten that I have my friend to thank for putting me on the right track to the beer that decline of phrase, establish the reputation of a certain city in Wisconsin.

What I mean is, no wonder they call slits, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. That's a wrong... As we rejoin the halls of Iavy, the rather worried Dr. Hall with a touch of nostalgia says...

You know, Victoria, there are times when I wish I were a carefree undergraduate once more. Oh, it's good, child, and the couch, Tottie. Where'd you hit in my lap? There. That's good. You know, in those days I used to wear a yellow slicker covered with funny sayings, such as banana oil.

When I wore a blazing red felt hat known as a whoopie crasher. And I drove about in a purple Stutz bear cat sounding an enormous taxon horn incessant blade. Lucky before. Why, I had to. Not to be conspicuous.

We were all alike. I thought the devil's a matter with Groven and his campus police shouldn't take this long to find Buckley. Oh, relax, Tardy. I'm short of it. It's all right. Don't move, Vicki. I have my foot on it.

Hello. Speaking. Yes, Grogan, have you found him? Good. Thank you very much. Good night. Young Bakli is on his way over. Now you won't be too severe with him, will you, Tati? You can be terribly intimidating and old. Inasmuch as Bakli is staying six feet far and came out of the wall covered with decorations for bravery beyond the call of

I don't think you need to be unduly concerned for him, Victoria. If you must have fears, let them center about me. I don't relish this interview at all. You'd be published a retraction with that smooth things over.

I'm afraid not. Mr. Wellman, the entire board in fact will be appeased by nothing short of a human sacrifice. My own feeling is that Buckley, as editor, is privileged to express his view right or wrong.

right or wrong, subject only to reply by the board being given equal space and prominence in the bulletin. I have very strong feelings about the freedom of the press. That's one of the reasons I love you, Totti.

You have strong feelings about everything. Thank you, Vicki. I also have very strong feelings about the freedom of reading. Our press is free to report and interpret, and is also free to distort and suppress.

The public is free to read what it will and is also free to disbelieve and go behind the printed word. Free is a short word that goes a long way. It's one of the most beautiful words in our language.

Ever since the Chinese invented movable type half a century before Gutenberg, freedom has been moving forward. In spite of the few bad publishers and stupid readers, a responsible press and an informed public... Excuse me, am I making a speech again?

Yes. The same one you gave to the journalism class last month, so you fixed it up a little. What did you do with Mr. Wilman in cysts back in the expale? Oh, I'll fight him.

Even though the board may take my contract and... and tell me, is it very difficult to manipulate an inflated bladder? Before long, you and I may well find ourselves breaking in a new act in the East End of London.

It started all difficult. The crumb will and haul those two funny people. A Jeremy lady, how do you know how to make a Venetian blind? No, I know you make a Venetian blind. You stick your finger in his eye.

You suck! I hope your London audience is miller by now. Tell me, Dr. Hall, when did you first begin to suspect that you had an aptitude for the other? Oh, I think it was when I first saw you in Give Them Tears in London and returned to see it another 25 times.

I'd never before noticed any particular urge in that direction, but it wasn't until our first date that I realized what a talent I had for acting. I remember I'd lost my book of travelers, Jakes, that afternoon.

I found myself that evening, standing at the stage door. Not a penny in my pockets, waiting for the one woman in the world upon whom I wish to make a papable impression. No, Tardis. The casualness with which I masked my agony convinced me the stage had lost the genius when I embarked upon an academic career.

So sorry to kept you waiting, Mr. Hall? And you of the reward, Miss Crumbell, that my time was well spent. You... You look very beautiful. Oh, this is for you. Oh, it's lovely. I've always thought a single rose more charming than big bouquets of them.

Really? I'm very glad. I'll wear it in my hair. What made you decide to bring me just one? Did you know I preferred it? No, it seemed like a good idea, somehow. May I say its beauty has faded by comparison?

Oh, no. And the more ways in which we say it, the happier I'll be. He's falling tonight, isn't he? They're taxi out there. I imagine there must be. I'm absolutely starved. I never leave before a performance, but I'm always ravenous at the final curtain.

Where are we going? I haven't decided yet. Oh, well, we might go to the witchly at the food's heavenly. You're very hungry. Well, it's funny, but at the moment, I seem to have no appetite whatsoever.

Well, I think I could eat for both of us. Porg is extraordinary, Dick. Um, where's the taxi partner? I can't see a thing. I'm completely lost. Oh, well, your drive is probably not waiting for you anyway.

Taxes are at a premium on nights like this. Fortunately, the Wedgley's only around the corner. Do I'm walking? Not at all. In fact, I'm in favor of it. You're very quiet. I was thinking. I was thinking that this is like a daydream control for me.

In London, on a sabbatical, walking in the mystery of night and fog, with you on my arm, the heady mixture for a professor. What would you be doing if you were back home now? On a Saturday night?

Oh, I'd find something stimulating to do, I suppose. Drive through the countryside or a concert, or a squash game at the club? Really? On a Saturday night, huh? Oh, I know that doesn't sound like much when I tell it, but when you're living it, then it's even worse.

But I remember an evening like this for the rest of my life. The way it's gone these past few minutes, that is. I think I best tell you now that I can't take you to the Wedgley, nor anyplace else because I haven't any money.

What? I misplaced my travellers' checks. The only money I could raise was two shillings, borrowed it from the doorman of the hotel. And I spent that for the rose. I'm terribly sorry. Oh, no. Don't apologize, please.

How did you get to the theatre from your hotel? Let's not forget a hand of her, aren't you? Yes, I walked. All the way? It's the other side of London. Oh, I started around 7th.

Shall I take you back to the theatre? No. Professor Hall, may I say that never in my life has anyone walked a dozen miles to see me, and I'm very moved. Then I'm glad I ran part of the way.

You think you can walk another two miles? Of course, why? Well, my flat's only two miles away, with a perfectly delicious state waiting, and I happen to be the best cook in the world. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I'm not at all, sir. You've lifted a mountain from my heart. my heart do you mean you want to see him or don't you I thought you'd be angry why should I be angry Tardis anyone to know whether or not to show young got me yes yes you show him in Vicki darling will you entertain him

well I put on a coat certain formality is required and addressing Oh, it's a car, of course. I've been down immediately. Mrs. Hall? Yes. Good evening. Mr. Buckley? Yes, Jared Buckley. Corporal United State Army.

Retired. How do you do? Who? Why don't you sit down? Thank you. You've never been here before, have you? No, man. This is my first visit to the powerhouse. Is that what the students call it?

Yes, ma'am. Well, his fire feels good. Winter is really here, isn't it? saw a whole cubby of good humor wagons flying south this afternoon. I hope this call hasn't been convened. That's all right. I was out with a girl.

No, the thought seems to saden you. She annoys me. In my relationship with her I'm something like the hands on that clock over there. I have the feeling I'm making time but at the end of the day I'm right back where I started.

Oh well, have you any idea why Dr. Hall wants to see me? Well he'll be I don't think I'm violating a confidence to say it has to do with the editorial in today's bulletin. Do you mean he read it?

He knows most of it by heart. Oh, Millennium is at hand. Someone has finally read an editorial in an American newspaper. Well, is that so very unusual? Unusual. Mrs. Hall, if I were delegated to guard her atomic bomb secret, I couldn't think of a better way than to print them in bold-faced caps as a newspaper editorial.

But someone has read an editorial in the bull. We must be getting a following. Oh yes. A passionate one. Well, possibly it's deserved. Today's editorial did have a certain style. If you do say so yourself.

Oh, I'm not being a modest. I didn't write today's editorial. What's that? I said I did. Oh, good evening, Dr. Hall. I am you say you didn't write today's editorial. No, sir. It's a reprint.

A reprint. What? I've read an editorial that appeared in a bull years ago. 40-50 years ago. Written by a fellow named, um, Wellman. Clarence Wellman. Yes. No. Yes, sir. Is he any relation to the Wellman on our board of governors?

They are one of the same. I hope you're not angry, sir. Oh, no. No. No, no, quite the contrary. I have never been more pleased. Oh, glad. I think you're doing a remarkable job with the, um, the bull.

Yes, please. Yes, sir, you've been surprised at the comments I've heard. Thank you, thank you very much. That's all I wanted to say to you. Thank you for coming so promptly. Yes, but what? Well, I mean, I don't understand why...

Oh, well, good night, Mrs. Hall. Good night. Good night, sir. Good night, and thanks again. Don't mention it. Good night. LAUGHTER It's good to see you laughing again, hardly. Oh, it feels good too, my darling.

Now, we'll use it quite still while I make a very pleasant phone call. I don't mind my snooping. I have neither the mind nor the will to stop you. I come closer. Who are you calling?

You'll see. Hello, Mr. Werman. Yes? This is Dr. Hall. Dr. Hall? I am pursuing this editorial investigation with all possible speed. Your promise is most commensurable. Er, thank you. You consider the editorial most destructive.

Don't you, Mr. Werman? More than that, student opinion that this nature can destroy forever the authority of this college. And you feel then that nothing short of expression would be proper punishment for the author?

Beyond expelling him I personally would like to say to do prison. I consider the writer unfit for any association with ID. I see. Shall I say that to the board in the morning Mr. Wellman?

I ought be. Very well. But before I hang up I feel that you should know that Jared Buckley did not write it. But who did? You did, Mr. Wellman, in 1907. Good night. Oh, I feel so good.

Bicki, would you like to play a game I just thought of? A game for James, Oddie. I'm going to blindfold you, hide the telephone, then go down to the drugstore and call you up. I was curious.

I tasted it. Now I know why. slits is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again I'm Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. When we get this month's telephone bill my dear, don't show it to me, just pay it.

Pay it cheerfully. Why won't you want to look it over? Not this one though. My last call was worth the entire bill. So just send a check even though the charges may seem exorbitant. Any conversation I've had with Mr. Wellman, I am happy to consider a long distance call.

Alright. Thank you. Good night everybody. Good night. We'll be seeing you next week with the time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Cole, and the other players were Herbert Butterfield, Roland Morris, and Gloria Gordon.

The night script is written by Walter Brown Newman, the music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolff, and presented by the Jones of Smith's Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Ken Carpenter speaking.

Next year we the people of are most of these same NBC stations.