The Adventures of Maisie: Is Therea Ghost

I have babe say how about a lot? Oh, she's got to answer your questions buddy. The Adventures of Maisie Starring and Souther. You all remember Metro Golden Mayor's famous Maisie pictures. In just a moment you'll hear Maisie in radio, starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen and Souther.

But first you're an outer. Yeah, fine, Naze, like the fella said, Mazy was there. In show business, jobs are very seldom.

So to keep my stomach from secedent, from the rest of me, I became what you call a jack of all trades. I'd go into any trade that had any jack in it. Legitimate only, of course.

The jobs I've taken to keep the wool from the door, believe me, I could write a book. I'll never forget the time I was working as a census taker. It was in one of those hillbilly states where if anybody wore shoes you knew right away he was a tourist.

I'll never forget one farmhouse on my beat. The loaf I made it? It looked like the house was made of driftwood and some of the wood was still drifting. Oh, God. Open the door and I'll tell you. I mean, you. I've come to take the census.

Oh, wait. We ain't got none. Look, Zeke, I'm too tired for humor saying, Open up. I come from the capital of the United States. You mean Washington, DC? I don't mean Richmond, Virginia. Good day, Mr. I'd like to ask you some questions.

Questions? Yeah. The government wants to know how many people there are in this country. They'll tell them to ask somebody else. I don't even know how many people are in this year town. Oh, well, you don't understand, Mr. Every 20 years the government sends around census take us from house to house to see who was born. Now, how about you?

Oh, you can put me down, Miss. I was born. Congratulations. Now what's your name? Jed Hawkins. Jed Hawkins. What do you do for a living, Mr. Hawkins? Well, you might share a man in your laundry.

Oh, well what's the name of the long day? Mrs. Hawkins. Well, that's nice work if you can get it. How many children do you have, Mr. Hawkins? Children. Oh, let's see now there's Emmy, Sherry, Luke, Bessie, Sam, Moore, Tousie.

Mr. Hawkins, I just want the number. A friend. Maybe I'd better ask your wife about the family. Oh, right smart ID, Miss. Oh, Mark, and give it the exact number of our kids. Gotta mighty fine, head-for-figure, Red Gal.

Come from the shit heap. Yeah, maw's out of milk in the cow. Well, good, well, I find it. Oh, that's a silly question. Cow only gives milk from one place. Wow. Shae, what do you go?

I just cracked the joke. Well, crack it again. It's still wiggling. I'll go find maw. You just relax, Jed. You must be tired. Tired? Yeah, you look like you've been breathing all day. Mrs. Hulk?

Mrs. Baker. Where are you? Right? How'd you do, Mrs. Hawkins? Yeah. I'm here to inquire about your family. Well, that's right, neighborly, ma'am. Right, neighborly. Evel sucks, man. It ain't nothing at all. Tell me, Mrs. Hawkins.

How many youngins you reckon you got now? Well, let's see now about some Emmy, Jerry, Lillie Bell, Bessie, Melba, and then the boys. There's Luke. Just the number Mrs. Hawkins, not the variety. Oh, oh, I've had nine kids.

Nine, huh? Now, question number two. You own this farm. Mm, nope, but we're going on one real snazzy one too. Soon as Nilly Bell gets herself famous as a picture star actress in Not There Hollywood.

Oh, you got a daughter in the movies, Mrs. Hawkins? Oh, not yet, man, but it won't be long now, reckon. Come on. Well, who is this, Mrs. Hawkins? One of your older boys. Shocks, no ma'am. This year's Lily Bell.

She's good. You sure? Oh, these year clothes I'm wearing these paws. I'm leaving my going to meet and clothes for when I leave for Hollywood. Mm-hmm. Lily Bell's the purdy's gal in these year parts, ma'am.

Yeah. Yeah. They caught your paws at Honey and Show the Lady. Oh, sure, Ma'am. There. Hmm. Yeah, I pretty. I mean, pretty. A little too pretty for Hollywood, honey. What's me, ma'am? Well, Lily Bell, Hollywood's full of pretty hip guys.

You know what can happen to a pretty girl all alone there? Oh, sharks, yeah. And it's exciting. Lily Bell, I'm telling you again, when you get to Hollywood and them city fellas try to get too friendly like, you remember what you learned at your mother's knee.

Well, that's good vice man, but it ain't easy to remember what you learned at a mother's knee when you're on a man's lap. Now, I'll get on with the census questions. What is your average income from?

You sure do, seems to know all about Hollywood. You ever been there? Acted in pictures, maybe? Well, yeah, as an extra. Now, what is your average income? A extra? What's a extra? Any actor or actress without enough money to go home?

Now, your average income... Do you mean that some girls don't become stars in Hollywood? A few. Most of them were like me, had to make a living by working. Lily Bell, I ain't so sure I want you to go to Hollywood.

When I'm very young and suppose you don't get to be a star real quick. Well, you got all alone there and me and your part didn't make very much money last year. Oh, and I were getting someplace. How much didn't you and Paul make last year?

Oh, it shocks, Maia. You don't have to worry about me. Shucks, I'll be a star just as soon as they get my screen test in Hollywood. Please, you're average and... ...screen test. Everybody in these parts has been again getting themselves all slicked up to have movie tests of their selves took him.

A far that Hollywood talent scout leaves town. I'm Mr. Fontaine, I'm the best director. He says I got as much as Lana Turner and Betty Gray will put together. Well, you have, honey, even though maybe it wasn't put together as good.

I sure hope that Mr. Fontaine is right, Lenny Bell, and that you get that picture contract, he promise you right quick. At their screen test you took cost me in your poor, lifetime savings, a hundred dollars.

He charged you a hundred bucks for a screen test, but that's ridiculous. Ain't it though? He charged all the others in town two hundred, but I didn't have that much so he took me for a hundred.

Well, he certainly did. Mrs. Hawkins, do they have a sheriff in this town? Oh, shorter. Lam Williams. Why, ma'am, you going to take your senses now? No, but I'm going to tell them how all the people in this town have lost their senses.

That Fontaine's a phony. Real movie scouts don't take money for tests. Are you sure, ma'am? Oh, but Mr. Fontaine, he promised me I'd be a star. He says I got what it takes. Yeah, and then he takes what you got.

Honey, I'm sorry, but it's better to find out the truth this way. That phony screen test gimmick is one of the oldest and dirtiest rackets ever dreamed up. Gosh! We was a count on our Lily Bell being a star in pictures mighty quick-clack.

About there hundred dollars was our feed and seed money. I'm sorry, Moore. To all my fault for getting into this. Well, maybe it's not too late to get your money back. That fountain is out there belonging jail, and I'm going to try and see if they get there.

I got to get to the sheriff before they smell a rat. You got to calm Mrs. Hawkins. Yeah? That is over yonder. Hmm. I'm in a hurry. I'd better walk. Yeah, ma'am, you were looking for somebody?

Yeah, the sheriff. Well, I be him. Howdy. I be made you a vet. Sheriff, I just came from Mrs. Hawkins and it's the dirtiest thing I've ever seen. Oh, now, now, man. Miss Hawkins may be sloppy, but that's no call to get insulted.

Well, you gotta do something about it before it's too late. Do something about what? Well, Mrs. Hawkins, she works hard all her life, develops rheumatism in her back, and now it's gone. The rheumatism? No, the money.

What money? Well, cows won't give milk if they don't get fed, will they? Well, I reckon not, man. Well, you gotta do something about it. You got a gun. Well yeah man, but when a cow won't give milk, he won't give milk and threatening him won't help.

Hey, yeah. Goodbye man. You mean you're gonna go back to sleep and not do anything about it? About what man? Well about Lily Bell. You gotta get her money back and all the others too.

I do. Why? Why, he asks. I happen to know that they're phonies. You do? Well of course I do. Now will you arrest them? Well sure, let's go. Wait a minute, who am I going to arrest?

Fontaine and his mob. Oh, that movie director from Hollywood. Yeah, so it's funny sinking in, huh? What sinking in? Sheriff, how many times must I tell you? Just once ma'am, just once I catch on real fast.

Say, you know this here Fontaine. Yes, and he charged Lily Bell Hawkins $100 for a screen test. He did? Yes. The dirty is still I ever heard of. I'm going over to Fontaine's place right now for a showdown.

Yeah, that boy, Sheriff. He can't go around taking advantage of Hollywood's struck s'mores like that. I'll say, that Fontaine charged him really fell $100 for a screen test. It ain't right, that's why they just blow me right.

You plumb said it, Sheriff. Why, he charged me $200 for mine. Oh, fine. The Adventures of Maisie, starring Anne Southern, We'll continue in just a moment. MUSIC Maisie!

He's one. Look, Miss, I don't have to stop the presses. This is only a weekly newspaper, and this isn't the day we print. Besides, we have our scoop for this issue. Oh, well, look, Mr. Editor. I'm not one of the local jerks.

I'm from Washington. Oh? FBI? No, D.C. I'm with the Department of Faxxing Figures, and I've got an interesting fact to show you. And you got an interesting figure, too. Um, what's on your mind miss?

Well, not the same as on yours, chum. You ain't from these parts, are you? Oh, don't let the fact that I'm wearing shoes fool ya, gal. It's been all my life down here in these hills, except for four years at Yale, I learned to follow in my pappy's footsteps as editor of this year, our paper.

David Lawrence is the name, ma'am. Oh, well, mine's made you to the air. I was sent out here to count noses. Well, ma'am, we ain't no different than any other folks. Each one of us got just one nose.

Yeah, but some of you act like you got two heads and no brains and either one of them. Do you know that that director Fontaine is stealing hard-earned money from these movie wacky folks? Yep.

Why don't you do something about it? Like what, ma'am? Well, I'd put in your paper that the Fontaine is a crook. That he's a crook and that real honest-of-goodness talent scouts from Hollywood don't charge for screen tests.

Yeah. Say, you do know about that racket then, don't you? I should, ma'am. It cost me 400 bucks. Oh. You mean you took a screen test to? Nope. My five-year-old daughter. When I came home last night, I found out I'd suddenly become the father of a female butch Jenkins.

Oh, Jesus. Your wife ought to take the brat over a knee and spend some sense into it. Come now, Miss. Catherine Hepburn only uses child psychology on tux. Really, she does. Oh, brother. Your wife got it too, huh?

Worse. But if you knew all the time, why didn't you tell your wife that Fontaine was a phony? I did. What happened? I'm living at the Y now. Oh, left you. And took Jenkins and Lassie with him.

Lassie? Oh, everybody in my family has talent. Even our dog. But look, Mr. Lawrence, if you printed the truth in your paper. I'd be sued for libel. But Fontaine is a crook. He isn't as long as we can't prove it.

Yeah, but we can prove it. Yeah? How? Well, you know you can catch more flies with honey. What are you getting at, Meezy? Just call me honey. Please, I'm a married man, practically. And if you want to get your wife and kid back for keeps, and the money too, this is your only chance

before Fontaine milks the town dry and goes off to other green pastures. Well, sure, but what's the gimmick? Well, it's a cinch. I'm going to drop in on Fontaine and pretend that I'm just a local gal who yearns to be another Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, and get him to give you a screen test. Aha, and this is where you come in. Look, you get hold of that chair, and then get hold of a recording machine. When I take my screen test.

But I did not kill him, Your Honor. I didn't. I tell you. I didn't. I didn't. Hacks. Oh. Oh, that was terrific, Mr. Jenkins. Just terrific. You know, when that test gets to Hollywood, you'll be the new dramatic find of the year.

Gosh, you really liked it. You thought it was sad. Sad, Mr. Jenkins. It was miserable, wasn't it, Harry? Heh heh heh heh. Oh yes, Mr. Jenkins. You see, you got me crying. That'll be $200, please.

$200? But I thought the screen test was only $100. Oh yeah, yeah, well, ordinarily. But in your taste, we had film in the camera. He means technical film. You see, that's much, much more expensive.

Oh, I suppose it is. Well, here's the money, Mr. Palminton. I have a cell matractor to give it. Mr. Jenkins, that's the best investment you ever made. Oh, that's so right. You know, six months from now, you're going to be a big star.

Oh, well. With your name built on theater more keys over the cooling system? Count the money, Harry. All that? Well, shall I leave my address? I know. We have your number. Well, goodbye for now, Mr. Jenkins.

But how do you know where to stay right now? This way out. track no I gotta get my name spelled right on the light. Well Harry we squeeze plenty out of the locals in this town.

Well I'm packing up the equipment we'll move on to the next. Yeah but boss there's another pigeon waiting outside for a test. Oh no no no more. We're taking chances hanging around this town so long.

Somebody might get wise you know go send them away. This one's a girl. A dame? Yeah. Yes well I think we got time for just one more. Send her it. Heh heh heh heh. This darls right off the store, Casanova.

Gengam dress, hair ribbons, and that wide-eyed look. Eww, that sounds like peachy fun. Eh. Yeah, send her in and get a load of real talent that worked. Are you kidding? This day ain't got no talent.

No, but I have. Get her in here, boy. Okay, babe. I mean, miss, you're next. Yes, come in, miss. Hollywood is waiting for you. This is a terrific... Ew. opportunity. Hello mister. Well, well, well. Come in my pretty one. And what might your name be? Maisie Bell. Poetry. Shear poetry. Isn't that right Harry? Maisie Bell what?

Maisie Bell Kletch. End of poetry. Yeah well it's a nice name. A Kletch has a distinctive Some yeah, yeah, like the ripping of a rag Of course mister when I'm getting to be one of them their picture stars I'm gonna change my name There's something more Hollywoody. Oh, that's very wise my dear. That's very wise. What are you gonna change it to?

Grrr, Ketch. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, that's that's much better much better Baby you come to the right place to become a star that she did Miss Kvech, after you take our screen test, you'll be famous.

Gosh. All over the country on every theater marquee, you will have your name in lights. Jesus, won't that take an awful lot of care of seeing? No, just an awful lot of money. Money? Yeah, you got some, ain't you?

Whoa, it's like this, Miss. Oh, I'm sorry, Miss, but I don't think you'll do. You'll do. You see, we're very finicky talent scouts and we're looking for a certain type for our next picture. Whoa, I've rung with me. It's $500.

That's what I said. You're just a type, isn't it right? Exactly, exactly, exactly. You're just what we've been waiting for, baby. You've got everything. Eh, shall I set up the cameras there, boys? Yes, yes, do. And a great talent, too. Let's see it, Miss.

Sure. And they'll meet, come in around the mountain when they come. When they come around the mountain, when they come around the mountain. No, not the talent, the money. Oh, the money. Oh, you want it right now?

Oh, I sure, babe. You want a deluxe screen test with film and the camera and everything, don't you? Yep, but I ain't giving you the dough. I mean, the money. I hear to tell that some of you talent scouts ain't the real thing.

You have? Yep, and I ain't giving you the money till after the test. Ah, well, that's different honey. Yeah, I've been around Mr. and I wasn't born yesterday. Oh sure, sure. But do you have the money on you?

Yep. Where? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay, okay Mitch. I'll set up the cameras to take you. I mean, your test. Now, Miss Kvitch, first we're gonna shoot a romantic scene. Do you mind if I give you a few pointers?

I allow you, mate. I just pretend that I'm the handsome leading man in the scene. Oh, shock, Mr. For that, I don't have to pretend. Oh, well, you mind if I just put my arm around you?

I allow you, mate. And is it all right if I like this? Uh-uh. I love too much already. Hey, come on, boys. Get the work. I am. I mean, I'll be right with you. Now, Ms. Fetch, while I set up the right camera angles with my assistant, just read over the part for the test, huh?

Read. You can read and write, can't you? Oh, sure. Well, you just study the part. And when I give the signal, give it everything. This test means an awful lot you know. You ain't just kidding, Mr.

Now good. I'll be ready for you in just a minute. I'll be right there, Harry. Maisie. Maisie. Where are you, Daisy? Over here. Not so loud, Davey. What we're doing is you're getting the law.

Well, what these cooks are doing is against the law, too, Sheriff. And in a few minutes, I'm gonna have the goods on them. So even you believe the truth. Hey, Maisie. Plug this into the recording machine into the socket by the wall.

Okay. Ow! This fetch. What happened? It's shub-saying. But I just saw sparks coming out of your fingers. I love seeing. Yeah. Uh, uh. But you're so amazing. Now, one of the wires in the plug was loose.

Mm, never did trust that their newfang electricity. Give me the carasine lamp any day. Now, Maisie, we're gonna duck down out of here. You're sure you can get the evidence that there are crooks? I'll get it.

You just make sure that the recording machine keeps going. We're gonna get the kind of goods on these crooks that'll put them away for a long time. Ready for your part, Miss? Action! His Majesty will never give his consent. If we were married, what lies in the road ahead?

Ms. Kretsch. Ms. Kretsch, that's what lies in the road ahead. Keep going, Ms. Kretsch. You're doing terrific. Thank you. After all, monster. Hey, that's Miss Sewell. Oh, after all, Missor, I am the trough to his majesty, King Louis the ex-wife.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's King Louis the 13th. Continue. You're doing superbs, Bob. Oh, if I am caught, he will put my head on the jelly team and then... Cut. Oh, that's wonderful, Miss Vich. Do you know I've never come across an actress like you. Hey Harry. Never. When this test gets to Hollywood, you know producers will be amazed.

You'll be a star overnight. Five hundred dollars please. You kidding, champ? No, no, I, you, Miss Vetch, your accent. Hey, hey, she's a phony. Well, aren't we all, Bob? I don't know what you mean Miss Willa Gitteman. Sure, sure, we all are. I wouldn't think of lost in up this bracket.

There's too many Hollywood happy jerks in this country that still ain't been plopped. Oh, now look, sister, we don't need any partners. We're doing okay without help. But you could do much better if you had a real actress like me.

A lot of male schnooks would suddenly get a yen for a screen test. They had a gal like me and the love scene. But you don't eyes right Harry. With a dame like her we could clean up. Hm, you ain't kidding pal.

With me in the scene when you yelled lights, camera, action, they'd really get action. If you know what I mean. Yeah. Okay, you got something there, boys. A gold mine, a very pretty gold mine.

This dough we've been chiseling out of the rack. It'll be chicken feed compared to what we can do. Oh, there's an awful lot of goons with dough that would really go for this phony setup with a decoy like her.

Hey, you can say that again, boys. You don't have to say it again, Jums. We got it down the first time. Hey, we've been framed. Yeah, you guys may not have a record, but we do.

Don't we share it. Sheriff. Sheriff. And we got the proof we need on this hair recording machine. Enough to send you up for 20 years. 20 years. But we... Well, you got us all wrong. All we've been doing is making a legitimate moving picture. I know, fellas. And this is the end.

Just a moment, we shall return to the adventures of Maisie. Once again, here's Maisie. Well, that put a stop to Fontaine's Sony talent scout rutus.

After the law stepped in, they took pictures, too. Only these were strictly front and side views. And all the folks that were gypped out of their life savings got their money back and they learned their lesson to examine before they buy.

A skunk can always be mistaken for a pussy cat unless you get real close. And I hope those cooks will come out of jail sadder but wiser. Well, I gotta be on my way again, and my shoes are killing me.

Hmm. Maybe those hillbillies got the right idea after all. You've just heard the adventures of Maisie, starring Anne Souther. Shazee was written by Arthur Phillips. The original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman.

Supporting cast included Bea Benedarit, Will Wright, Sammy Hill, Peter Leeds, Bob Cole, and Gerald Moore. Jack McCoy speaking.