Screen Directors Playhouse: Mr and Mrs Smith

From Hollywood, the NBC Theater presents This is the Screen Director's Guild presentation of a comedy of marriage, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, starring Robert Montgomery and introducing the director of the film, Alfred Hitchcock.

Like every other art, the motion picture has developed its own popular catch phrases of evaluation and criticism. One of these is the Hitchcock Touch. The Hitchcock Touch is more than an artist's signature.

It represents the highest pitch of the screen director's art, an indelible impression of the director's unique talents upon the other ingredients of the film. And now it is with pride that the NBC theater presents the screen director of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and such other unforgettable pictures as Rebecca, Shadow of a Doubt, Spellbound, Notorious, and Rope.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alfred Hitchcock. Thank you very much. it would seem that after a decade of direct emotion pictures in this country, I have become associated with that emotional skyrocketed suspense. So perhaps I should warn you that tonight suspense has been suspended.

I must confess to several attempts to scare the daylights out of an audience, or at least to tie their nerves into pretty little knots. But in Mr. and Mrs. Smith we reversed ourselves and turned to comedy.

So don't bother sitting on the edge of your chair. It might strain your diaphragm if you feel a giggle coming on. Now we give you Mr. and Mrs. David Smith, a family with a formula, a couple with a constitution, a set of rules for a successful marriage.

There has just been a domestic battle between the Smiths. Right now, handsome David Smith is reclining on the bathroom floor. His head pillowed on the bathroom scale. Anne Smith is brandishing a razor at her husband's throat.

Mrs. Smith is shaving Mr. Smith. That's right. Mrs. Smith is shaving Mr. Smith. And they are both feeling very smart about the latest success of domestic diplomacy. Easy with that razor, Anne. You look like five of the men who mutant need on the bounty.

I'm late for work. Now hold still. Oh, sorry. You realize that I've been away from the office three solid days? I know. But we had to keep our main rule. You are forbidden to leave the apartment after a quarrel unless you've made up.

Yes. If every married couple had that rule, there'd never be a divorce. No one would ever get down to the office either. We've got respect for each other, David. Yep, that's our big trick. David.

We're very happy, aren't we? Well, what do you expect me to say at the point of a razor? David, if you had it to do all over again, would you marry me? Uh-oh. Remember rule seven, be frank and honest with each other at all times.

Well, frankly and honestly, if I had it to do all over again, I... Put that razor down a minute, will you? Thanks. I wouldn't marry you. What? Well, a man gives up so much freedom and privacy and independence when he gets...

How now your feelings are heard. Oh no, no it's perfectly all right. So can I get up now and go to work? Of course David, if you want your freedom. I just want you to get up off my chest darling.

I don't want to cling to my husband if I'm not wanting to. And I do want you, I love you, I'm crazy about you, I'm used to. Oh, if my only whole I'm used, that you're used to me.

Darling, you're my little girl and I'm frantic about you. Now forgive me. Say you forgive me. Oh come on, say you forgive me. I forgive you. Well, give me a kiss. Now, can I get up and go back to work?

Morning, Jeff. Well, good morning, David. Glad to see I have a partner in the law business again. You've been out three days this time. Well, you know how Annie is, Jeff. You don't have to apologize to me, David.

I envy you from the bottom of my heart. Yeah, she's a good kid. Oh, well, there's a little guy named Diva waiting for you in your office. Diva, Diva, Diva. Never heard of him unless it's Danny Diva.

They hung him in the morning, didn't they? Oh well, I'll go right in and talk to him. Are there, Mr. Deaver? Good morning. Mr. Smith, I take it. Yeah. What can I do for you, Mr. Deaver?

Well, a beacham is on the other side of the river. It is. Say that again, will you? Well, beacham is on the other side of the river. That's nice. Yes, but it was always incorporated in Brenda County, which is in Idaho, you follow me?

Yes, we're in Idaho, go on. Well, we in Beecham found out that we belong in Nevada. Yes. So, anybody who got married in 1946 with an Idaho license? Yes. Like you did? Oh. Well, they aren't really married.

Oh, they aren't? Oh, you really are married and everything, but the Chamber of Commerce figured if everybody got married all over again, it'd be better. better. That's pretty funny. And so here's your two dollars back. Now you can use it to get another license. Well now that's very square of you boys in

beach. You just get married again. That's all. Well I've got to be on my round. Good morning Mr. Smith. Good-bye Mr. Deaver. Thanks a lot. No no no. Not at all. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Mm. Mrs. David Smith. Now Miss Anne Krausmeyer. Mm. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Miss Albright, get me my home, please. Little Annie Krausmeyer, my favorite date. Mm. Mm. Speech him on the other side of the river, Mrs. Smith.

That makes us in Nevada, not Idaho. So the marriage isn't legal. Not legal. Oh, it's nothing serious, Mrs. Smith. Oh, no, just a matter for the vice squad, that's all. Please, please, Mrs. Smith. Stop calling me Mrs. Smith, as though that makes a good woman out of me.

Oh, you doers get married again? Everything? Hmm? I explained it all to your husband. Oh, oh, then David knows about it, too. He spoke to him an hour ago. Well, why didn't he tell me about it when he telephoned?

Well, you see... Oh, oh, yes, of course. That's why he invited me to Mama Lucy's restaurant. Lucy's restaurant. That's where he proposed to me three years ago. Oh, he's going to ask me again tonight.

He's a dear. Well, just till he isn't a stag. Oh, he'll ask me tonight. He'd better ask me tonight. It's a lovely dinner, isn't it, David dear? Going up in price since three years ago.

Yeah, well, some things haven't. I mean, like, postage. Yeah, air mail just went up to six cents. Well, yes, but I mean, like, permits and licenses and stuff. Yeah, fine, if you own a dog.

David! Now, don't nag me about buying a dog again, dear. David? Yeah? Where are we going to go after this? Home. Well, aren't we supposed to do something before we go home? Nope. Just go home.

Oh. Oh, what happened at the office today? Anything new, exciting, unusual? Same old routine, same old saliva, yackity, yackity, yackity, yackity, yackity, yackity, yackity. That's all. That's all. That does it. That does it. And?

You know we're not married. And the public. You were just going to go through life with me with that silly, Oh, what I know about us expression on your stupid face. Put down that champagne bottle I was going to tell you later.

Back home without getting married, sure. Annie, everybody is looking. If you don't leave me alone, I'll call the police. Annie, for heaven's sake. Help, please. Annie, great Scott. This man is molesting me. Help, help.

Annie, offer a crime. Annie. Well. Remember me? Libertine. Brought you flowers. Eat them. Oh! By doughs. You broke by doughs. By doughs is bleeding. And, and, over this door at once. And, and, and, and, and, and!

Stop following me. You're my wife. We are not married. All right, we'll get married. Does that suit you? That's a nice, snarling proposal. Well, I wouldn't have you. What's the matter with me? Name one thing about me you don't like.

Oh, my, aren't we vain? One thing I am not is vain. Oh, what about that tar stuff? You kept rubbing in your hair that smelled up the bedroom. I was only trying to keep my hair for you.

Well, keep it for yourself. I've got hair. Oh. Now beat it before I call the police. Now you see here. Help, please! Masher, Masher, public news today! David, as your friend, as well as your law partner...

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll catch up on my work, Jeff. Don't worry. It's not that, Dave. I want you to drop into your own apartment tonight for dinner. I'll be there. You? What for? Well, Anne is fond of me, and I'm fond of her.

I think I can get this thing straightened out, Dave. What, Jeff? What, Jeff, you're the best friend a fellow ever had. We're partners, aren't we? You're the best partner a fellow ever had. We were schoolmates, David.

Yes, and you were the greatest half-back that Alabama ever had. You... you mean that, Dave? I used to think that Hinkle was the greatest, but Hinkle couldn't lay a hand on you. Thank you, David boy.

Thank you. Hello, Anne. Come in, David. And I want to tell you here and now how sorry I am about to my lawyer lawyer what lawyer? Hi, Jeff and has asked me to represent her in this case day She what asked him to represent me she doesn't really need a lawyer. You know well, then you ought to do fine

Dave as a lawyer yourself, you know that Anne may halt this relationship between you at any time and marry someone else As in the case of Peterson versus Peterson, Adams versus Adams, and Gimbal versus New Pennsylvania cold company.

Stand. Now David Boy... That's Dirty Tennis! David, I'm asking Anne here in your presence if she'll think of me as a possible someone else to succeed you, David. Oh, that's very sweet of you, Jeff. You know I've always been fond of you.

Thank Anne. Also regard that as encouragement. Oh, good job. That settles it. Goodbye, Anne. Oh, goodbye, Dad. And you, Jeff Kuster, comparing yourself to Hinkle as a football player. You couldn't even wring out Hinkle's sweatshirt.

Goodbye. Anne Darwin. Oh, yes, Jeff. Great news. My mother and dad have just come up from Alabama. They want to meet you. Make me, but I'm a Yankee. When they see you, they'll forgive you.

You'll meet us all in our office in 30 minutes. And away. Yes. You know that Darren, rather low-cut dresser yours? Yes. Don't wear it. Oh. Goodbye. Goodbye, y'all. So, you're my boy's fiancé. We're here.

Those lovely Confederate grays are. Well, thank y'all. Any of your family from the south, Miss Grouse, my... Well, no. Oh, but an ancestor of mine deserted from the Union army. Yeah, many northerners saw it that way.

Yes, I commend him quite highly. Yes, sir, this young lady will do. Jeff, my secretary tells me that. Oh, am I interrupting something, Jeff? Mother, father. David Smith, my partner. I do. Happy to know her partner of Jefferson, sir.

And this is Anne Krausmaier, Jeff's fiance. We've met, I think. Fiancé. And I was just about to suggest a boat trip for Anne and Jeff to New Orleans. Boat trips? Oh, but, but, but, but, but, Anne isn't a very good sailor.

I know. I tell you what though, Jeff. If she gets sick on the boat, you put her to bed and put a hot water bottle on her stomach and hold it there. Hold it. There?

No matter how she howlers, you hold it there. Never failed with us, did it, Anne? David vances himself quite the doctor. Yes, and by the way, Anne, what does my laundry come back? I'm out of shorts.

Short? His running shorts. Mrs. Costa, every morning, David runs five miles. Runs? He's a Yankee, all right. And sort of took care of David's things around the house, mother. Yes, best little housekeeper you ever saw.

And let me tell you something. I know of no finer compliment than this. When I've been sitting across the breakfast table for a woman for three years and still want to marry her, that girl has something.

Will? Hey, Jefferson, may I see you all in private? Well, certainly, Father. In this other... Come along, Mother. Come along. James Smith, I hope you're satisfied making those two final people miserable. Well, what about me being unhappy?

You were always thinking of yourself, why can't you be like Jeff? Because I can't climb trees. Jeff is so kind and considerate and gentile act. Since when are you so crazy about the gentle act?

Do you recall how I grew this scar on my forehead? You threw a bed lamp at me. I was out for three days. That's only because you'd been out for two nights. Very funny. It's all right, Anne.

I explained the entire situation in quick order. We understand completely, Anne. And we want you and Jeff to visit us at Lake Placid next week. Lake Placid, oh, I love it. Thank you. As for this northern lawyer.

Mr. Custer, is it my fault that I'm related on my mother's side to General Sherman? General Sherman! Yeah! Father! You are listening to the Screen Director's Guild production of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, starring Robert Montgomery with Mary Jane Croft, and introducing the director of the film, Mr.

Alfred Hitchcock. Thanks for driving us up here, boys. We'll telephone the hotel if we need you. Oh, this air's still invigorating. There's our cabin, Anne. Oh, it's large, isn't it? There are three suites altogether. Three suites in a unit.

Oh, I see. You'll find your suite quite comfortable, I trust. They're adjoining, but not connecting. Oh, dear, proper jet. Hey, maybe the basin time for skiing before it gets dark, huh? Oh, Jeff, who's that coming out of the suite on the other side of my suite?

It's David. The same thing. He's ill. Look, he's staggering. He'll fall down the steps. David, you'll fall. He did. David. It's him in bed. Here help me get these wet clothes off him. Why, eh?

We'll go away the first two weeks in December. What's he talking about? We were going to come up here the first two weeks in December. Delirium, you'll be crazy about it, Anne. He's been up here all week torturing himself. Well come on help me get him undressed Well, I'm his wife. Look out don't fall now. Oh, you see he thinks we're skiing

All right. Oh come on up with this quote. Watch out there never try to pass the tree on both sides at once He's so sick. Is that a rattle? I don't know. I wish I could hear it again.

He's just clearing his throat. Oh, he looks awful. He could do with a shave. I'll shave him. You will? I always shaved him. I'll find a shaving stuff in the bag here. Just a minute, Anne.

Huh? He's asleep now. Oh, poor boy. Let's go next door to your room. Oh, poor boy. Let's go next door to your rooms. I want to talk to you very seriously. And so that's my position, Ann.

I love you and I want to marry you. But I'm not sure that you're not still in love with David. Perhaps you better think about your promise to marry me, Ann, for your sake. Jeff, I don't think a person ever existed who was as fine and generous as you are.

I'm thinking of your happiness, Ann. You're very sweet. Now I better have a look and see how David's doing. Don't wake him up. Well, I just have a look through his window. I'll be back in a minute, darling.

Oh, the beast! The scheming trick beast! I'll murder him for this. I'll have his heart. You! And? Sitting up in bed sucking on orange is smoking cigarettes. And put down that lamp. Pretending you came here on a heartbroken bender, the big sympathy act.

And I love you. Put down that lamp and you love me and I won't give you up. I won't let you marry that heap of southern fried chicken. I love Jeff and he loves me and don't you call him fried chicken.

You're not going to get married. We are going to get married. You can. What kind of a combination is fried chicken and calves brain? You! Alright. Alright. I've done all I could to win you back because I wanted you back.

I've neglected my work and lost clients and now I'm through. Watch that. Go on. Marry the guy. I hope you'll be very happy. And may all your children be dietitians. Oh, you! Oh! Jeff, I can't help worrying about David.

He really does love me. Now he'll take to drinking. Or he'll find someone else in? No, no. I'm afraid he'll ruin a brilliant career on account of me. If I could only make him hate me, despise me, if I could disillusion him somehow.

If I could make him think that I... Yes, Jeff, you go back to your suite and whatever you're hearing here, don't do a thing. What are you gonna do, Anne? The walls are paper-thin. He could hear everything. If I pretended you were still here, and...

Well, not the gentleman that you are. Oh, I understand. Yes. This is a mighty fine thing you're doing for a man. Yeah, yeah. But they go out, but don't make a sound. Good night, Anne.

Good night. Good night. Well, here goes. Oh, Jeff! Oh, Jeff, you were always such a gentleman! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Oh, Jeff! Oh!

Oh, Jeff, you're so strong. Oh, I never realized you were soooo old! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Look, now if you don't behave I'll have to ask you to leave. No! No! Please! Please! Yes! Yes!

Oh no! What would your coach and Alabama think of me? Alright, just put it down you big hunk of you hunk-oh! David Smith! I despise you for busting in like this! I see. Well there's just one way of handling you and that's rough.

Go with me Home with me Yes Adam Jeff let him have a murder lies above well start murder rising David I'll forgive you Heaven's sake. Well, would you respect me more if I knocked him down and what I why you big?

Conk of Southern fried chicken. I bet your mother was scared by an ignolia blossom. No. Now get out of here before I forget I'm a lady. Well, lady says be so kindly as to scram, Jefferson.

Gladly. And what a narrow escape I've had. Your slip is showing. What? I'm getting out of this clam bake. Chicken fry. Chicken fry. Hey, what are you doing with the skis? The slave service is discontinued after 10 at night.

Well, spend the night here. Not on your life. Okay, okay. Here, let me fasten your skis for you. No, it's all done. All set to go. One side, please. One moment. Get your hands off of me.

A gentle, firm pressure on the shoulders like this. Hey, quit jumping! They easily upset a skier and render him or her helpless. Pull me out of this chair. You hear me? What are you going to do?

I'm feeling cold blood. It's some night when you're fast asleep, I'll... Shut up. Breakfast there'll be... ground glassing. I said shut up. I'll say I was creating my gun when... I'll even see. Yes.

I... ... was David. David. The NBC Theatre has presented the screen director's guild production of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, starring Robert Montgomery with Mary Jane Croft, and introducing Alfred Hitchcock, the director of the film.

Next week, the NBC Theatre brings you the scintillating comedy, the scintillating comedy, hired wife, starring Rosalind Russell, and presenting screen director William Siter. And now here again are tonight's stars, Robert Montgomery and Mary Jane Croft, and screen director Alfred Hitchcock.

Ladies and gentlemen, as well as being a fine actor, Mr. Montgomery is also a screen director. You are about to hear the clash of great minds as two directors face each other across a microphone.

Hello Bob. Hello, Hitch. Hello, Hitch. Well... Well, what? Why aren't you going to talk shop? Shop. Whatever you're talking about, Mary Jane. Well, you're both directors, aren't you? Mary Jane, Alfred Hitchcock is more than a director.

He's a force, a state of mind. A state of mind? Have you ever seen a state of mind with a 92 and 3.25 inch waste movement? Well, you know, there's one thing bothering me about our radio version of Mr. Mr. Smith.

It, uh, it didn't have the Hitchcock trademark. Did it, Mr. Montgomery? You know, that's right. Hitch, you can't place yourself in a radio scene the way you do in a picture just to identify the Hitchcock product.

Ah, that's where you're wrong. Do you remember the sound of shaving in the first scene? Yeah. Oh, when I was supposed to be shaving, Mr. Montgomery? Yes. Well, when the sound man made that noise, those were my whiskers being screaming.

Ah, the Hitchcock touch. Good night, Hitch, Mary Jane. Good night. Good night. Good night. And good night to you, Robert Montgomery. Mary Jane Croft and Alfred Hittscast. Thank you. Congratulations. Tonight's cast included Carl Tignon, Bernafelton, Pat McGim and Dink Trow.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith was adapted for radio by Milton Geiger, and original music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. Production was under the supervision of Howard Wiley, Associate Producer Bill Card. Your announcer has been Frank Barton.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith was produced by RKO, producers of the Technicolor production, The Boy with Green Hair, starring Pat O'Brien, Robert Ryan, Barbara Hale, and Dean Stockwell as the boy. Robert Montgomery may currently be seen in the Warner Brothers production, June Bride.

Soon to be released is Alfred Hitchcock's new picture, under Capricorn, starring Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton. Listen again next week when the NBC Theater presents Screen Director's Guild Assignment, Production Hired Wife, Director William Siter, Star Rosalind Russell.

The Screen Director's Guild Program came to you from Hollywood. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.