New Adventures of Nero Wolfe: Beautiful Archer

There's a full serving of laughs on the menu at Duffy's Tavern tonight with Archie the Manager, played by Ed Gardner. Archie's colleagues in comedy are Miss Duffy, Clifton Finnegan, and Eddie the Waiter. This Sunday the big show comes your way once again on NBC, and just listen to a few of the stars who will be with you.

Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Mindy Carson, Ed Archie Gardner, Ed Win, and many, many more. And of course your MC will be Toulula Bankit. Listen Sunday for the big show. Ladies and gentlemen, that phone bell means exciting adventure.

Hello? Hello? The handsome young man answering his phone is Archie Goodwin. The mountain of a man engrossed in deep thought and the oversized armchair is Nero Wolfe. Hey boss. Oh, Mr. Wolfe. Mr. Wolfe. There's a guy on the phone wants us to take a case.

Seems that someone was mad at a guy who was mad and now this guy on the phone is mad wants us to find out who did the killing. what he is saying, Mr. Wolf, we need the money.

Hello? Yes, Mr. Wolf says he'll be happy to take the case, just present yourself and to check for $2,000 at 601 West 35th Street at 11 o'clock. Mr. Wolf can't wait till you get here. He's dying to go to work. Goodbye.

Ah, hmm, greatest detective in the world. The only trouble is... he is. Yes, listeners, Archie is so right. He is the greatest detective in the world. And the fattest and the least energetic. He's Nirowool, created by Rex Stop, and brought to you over this NBC network and a new series of adventures by Mr. Sidney Green Street.

Tonight, it's the case of the beautiful Archer. That's a good title. And it was a good case too. It began in the consulting room of Dr. Raynard Townley of the Townley Sanitarium. a skip in the jump north of Nyac, New York, when a very lovely young lovely, glared across the desk at the good doctor.

Shall we pretend you don't know who I am, Dr. Townley? How could we possibly do that, my dear Diana Lawrence? 23 years old, daughter of one of our better known sculptors, Michael Lawrence. You were born in Johannesburg, educated in London and Paris, and live at present 100 yards from here in your father's cottage on Berry Hill Lane.

How's that? It's intended to be staggering, isn't it? You take no cream or sugar in your coffee, or winner of the woman's national archery tournament for 1947 and have an exceedingly high temper. Let's stop the nonsense.

You have an inpatient here named Willard Garth. Willard Garth happens to be my fiancée? Yes, he has mentioned the fact during his analysis. And will Has he by any chance mentioned his reasons for suddenly refusing to see me during the past five weeks?

He didn't have to, Miss Lawrence. Well, what do you mean? I mean that I recommended he give you up as a bad job. What? Yeah, well I suppose you had some purpose in saying what you did?

Of course. I'm the boy's doctor. You think you're in love with Willard Garth, I know, but actually you're infatuated with the Garth millions. You take a lot on yourself, don't you, Doctor? I consider it important to relieve Willard of all painful external pressure.

You've done well for Willard, Dr. Townley, relieving him of me. I think so. Well, let's see you relieve yourself of me. You purchased the gun for this occasion, Miss Lawrence? Yes. And what exactly do you hope to accomplish with it?

A quick and complete reversal of your decision about me. I'm not as easy to handle as Willard is, you see. And if you intend to ruin my life, then I intend to end yours. Here and now.

The phone is ringing. Let it ring. Just as you say, it's the house phone Miss Lawrence. It may be Willard, you know. Oh, Willard? Yes, he usually phones me from his room at about this time every day.

Oh, all right. Answer it, but be careful what you say. You're in command, it seems. Hello? Oh, why hello? I thought it would be you, Willard. Look, my boy, Diana Lawrence is here. I've had a talk with her and I've reconsidered my opinion.

Yes, yes, I'm quite serious. If you're at all sensible, you'll see her regularly and plan on a marriage as soon as you're discharged. Yes. Oh, you do? Very well, I'll see if she'll talk to you.

Miss Lauren. Yes? Do you want to speak with him? Give me the phone. Of course. Here you are and I'll take this gun. There we are. Now. Stand away, Miss Lawrence. But, but, but, but, but, but, but where is? Well, it's on the phone!

Well, it is not on the phone. No one was on the phone. The ring came from the push button bell under my desk here. Sometimes I find it convenient to interrupt my consultations with the phone call.

Oh, you! You smug, deceitful, self-sufficient! Murderer is a vexatious business. You'll be grateful to me one day. Alright. Give me my gun and let me go. The gun I'm afraid stays with me. Here in this Majonika cabinet.

That's guess if you justified in trusting you with it. And now, with your permission, or without it, the interview was ended. Later that day, the phone in the Lawrence house on very Helene began to jingle.

And this time it was no phony. Hello? Hiya. Yes? What? Imagine. Has the doctor let you use the telephone just as if you were a great big adult? I've got to see you, sweetheart. Do I hear the overtones of a change of heart?

Diana, what happened was my fault he poisoned me against you. Then why don't you walk out of that amateur nuthouse and stand up like a man? I probably shall, Diana. Now please listen to him.

Don't tell me he's trusting you to drive. Oh no. No one of the handyman here will show for us. Well, yes, Willard. I'll be glad, Taw. Oh, so that's it. You want my father's money. That's what you love, not me.

Well, it's the chauffeur who will hear you. It's the way townly says it is. He's right. He's right. Why did I let you talk me into this? What a fool I was to have come at all.

You're sick inside, will it so utterly hopelessly sick? Oh, so now I'm hopelessly sick. Yes, yes you are. you are. You're trying to confuse me. Take advantage of me. Wind me around your finger. Just because I love you too much. That's it. That's my illness. Of course I see it now.

You. You're the thing I must get rid of. You with your beautiful, beautiful face and your twisted values. You're at the bottom of all my agony. I'm saving myself. I'm saving myself once your dead the sickness is ended I'll be safe I'll be safe dr.

Townley yes come in mr. Wolf's been expecting you I mean I'm just having you yeah thank you mr. Wolf I'm so happy you've agreed to take this case I was also beer oh no no and never at this time of morning thank you well dr. and you's baby's chick with what you told me good young God planned out

for a ride in your limousine last night the car was driven by one of your handyman That's right. Haines, his name is. And they never came back. Young God was found dead in the car with two bullets in him.

The girl was gone and also Haines the handyman, Jovan. Correct, sir. Have you any idea where he could be? No, sir. And the young lady, tell me about her. She's Diana Lawrence, daughter of Michael Lawrence.

Sculptor? The sculptor. She lives with him in a small cottage near my sanatorium on Berry Hill Lane. An extremely aggressive and self-centered female with more than a slight flair for violence. Your description might easily lead me to the specter of this murder, sir.

I'm aware of that. And I don't think you'll be far off the mark. As I told you on the phone, she tried to murder me yesterday morning. Hmm. The police have made no headway and no cating, huh?

No, the homicide division is contacted her father, but he's remained quite non-committal. He simply says that he's sure she's incapable of killing a fly, and that he hasn't laid eyes on her since eight o'clock last night.

How did this species behave? She was unquestionably in the car with young Goths when he was murdered. Hmm, he wasn't alone in the car with him. You were referring to Haynes? Yes, but he can't be found either, remember?

It appears that he failed to list his address on his job application. But somehow, Mr. Wolf, I'm quite sure he'll show up this afternoon. Somehow, Dr. Tarny, if I were you, I wouldn't be quite so sure.

You must begin by facing the initial problem of locating our suspects. Archie? Yes, sir. Get out the car and drive up to the house and very early. And then? There you will ask Mr. Michael Lawrence to be sensible and have to cooperate with us in finding his daughter.

if the answer is no. I recommend Archie that you've flatly refused to take it. Mr. Lawrence was no simple baby to handle. He was in a studio when I walked in, chiseling on a statue of a boy and a girl, both wearing less clothes than the law allows.

And before I got a chance to state my name, he commenced giving me a free lecture on the marble work of art. She's good, really good. She's practically superb, the Ariadne. The whatty-artony? The girl in the statue.

Oh, that's Ariadne, tragic name for Greek mythology. Don't tell me you're not familiar with Apollo and Ariadne. All right, I won't. The Apollo on the other hand is unfinished. The face, you see, it lacks something.

The passion of yearning, Olympian desire. And yet you know the two figures have motion. Like your daughter? Huh? Your daughter, Diana. She's got motion also. As I hear it, she's been in motion ever since she murdered Will at Garth last night in the back end of a limousine.

So you're another flat foot? Uh, not exactly. I'm paid in private by Nero Woolf. Nero Woolf? Yeah. You don't mean that a credible man like Woolf thinks Diana killed young Gar? Well, he'd like to talk over the possibility with him.

How laughable. Look at that face. Is there anything of the murderous in a face like that? In a face like what? Oh, I'm sorry. Diana posed for the Ariadne you see. And the likeness is exact.

Do you think a girl of this type of classic, sensitive, civilized could descend to the clumsy, brute level of murder? Well, it's a little hard to imagine. Yeah, even you agree with me. On the other hand.

Shall we discuss the other hand over a cup of coffee? I'm quite exhausted. If you insist. I do. Sit down and inhale the atmosphere of culture at its source. There's a pot warming on the stove.

Part of what? Coffee or culture? Well, you can see what he means. It's never a gnar of phone calls. Nose might be something important. Yes? This Diana Father? Oh, yes Diana. Yes I know. Where are you honey?

I said where are you? I know because I'm excited. Where are you sweetheart? Find out. Not a soul in the world. Where are you? Well you know where time turns off to the left. I'm a little bit too soft to the left.

All me later, Angel. Oh, get that, Mulderman's number. You will leave, my friend, but not long if you don't control your curiosity. With that mallet you hit me, what was the big idea? You really have to ask that question.

Why don't you try to trick my daughter into disclosing how wet about this? The police are pretty interested in her wear a lot. Then let them find her. But you can't be surprised, my friend, if I choose to protect Diana's interests.

He's working on an Apollo in the area, Angel. Who cares about Apollo in the area, Angel? The point is how he worked on my gourd. That of course is unfortunate, my boy. You get that piece, boy?

Hello? Inspector Kramer. Hold it. For you? Here. Yes? Yes? You can speak that. Not very deeply. I am afraid we are still trying to locate the lawns. Well, you can forget about that. It's interesting.

Too bad you couldn't have held onto that. Why not? I see. That sounds like a poor reason to release her. Well the point is she was an infestation of the gun when the killing happened, at least so she says.

No, who what? That doctor. What doesn't? Townley. Gloria runs that sanitarium. There's a little more talk between them, something about fresh cigar ashes that were found in the dashboard ashtray of the limousine. After that the boss hung up and exerted himself enough to put a call through to the townley sanatorium.

I'm afraid to say my business happens to be highly important. Did you happen to have a free moment, Miss? Yes, sir. Could you explain it by telling me that handyman was the hane just being located?

Well, I found out where he lives, Mr. Wolf. Well, thank you. Ajit. I'm going someplace, I suppose. You are. You're going to Sheep's Head Bay. Hello there. Looking for a guy I can't find.

His name is Haynes. Stop the cottage up there, but there's no one there. But there's no one there. I saw you here on the war fishing. So I what did you say his name is?

Haines H A I N E S ah Oh, hey, yeah, you know I'm Well, it's a full of name Haines used to fish. Oh, no not Haines Haines couldn't be honeyberg No, it couldn't be the name is Haines H A I and Well, what do you know? Yeah, funny that guy seems to think my name is Hain

a soda-eye, you do? Yes, I... I got back to our house, soaked to the skin, and minus hay. And just in time to see the boss in the exhausting process of walking across the room to answer the phone.

Hello? Is it? It's right in. About the murder? More specifically about the statement from Diana Lawrence that you removed a firearm from her possession yesterday morning. That's quite correct. Is she on my major like a cabin?

Is it? Of course it is. Yes, you check. Yeah? I'd like to see you at once. Gunna, I suppose, is vanished. What? Because it is a ballistic doctor. It turned out to be the gunna kill will it guard?

I... Do you? Yes. Just how, crystal clear? I'm quite certain. And I think it'll be well if you came here immediately. You're the freak. What do you suggest? When my boss has to leave the house, it's a major tragedy.

Sometimes he rages, sometimes he curses the whole detective business, locks, stock and barrel, And sometimes he keeps very quiet and grips the side of the car desperately and tries not to inhale any fresh air.

This was one of the quiet times. Just go slowly Archie, but get there as quickly as you can. Oh, you know what, a chauffeur, Mr. Woolf, what you need is a magician. Keep your eye on the road and don't strain yourself to make superfluous witticisms.

Why don't you try relaxing a little? I hear there hasn't been a man-eating tiger sighted on the sawmill river Parkway in the last 500 years. Your liberty is out of order. Don't try to make light of a deplorable situation.

Here's the sanatorium, and there's Dr. Townley coming to meet us. It's terribly nice of you to have calm Mr. Wolf. I've heard about your aversion to traveling, and I appreciate your going to the trouble.

Don't... Oh, aren't you happy with me, other guy? There you are. Now calm down, you're all in one piece. I think you'll find the trip highly profitable, Mr. Wolf. You'll consider it time very well.

Hey, hey, what's the matter? What is it? What happened? He's been shot. How did he like me? There wasn't a... This kind of shot doesn't make a sound for us. What do you mean? But to take a look for yourself, there's an arrow in his back, and he's dead.

We remembered that Dr. Townley had said Diana Lawrence had won the woman's National Archery Tournament for 1947. The Lawrence House was visible through the trees a hundred yards away, so we started for it and the sculptor's studio. There's no one around.

So this is his latest effort to follow an aridney. Done a little work on it since I was here. The Apollo's face is more finished. Hey boss. You know, somehow or other Apollo looks a little familiar.

Wouldn't be so very dirty. I think if you examine him closely... It's a move! ...I'd have to remember me, don't you? I met you once at a dinner party at your house. The time they opened the new museum on 67th Street.

Of course, of course, Mr. Lawrence. And to what do I owe the honor? It's not much of an honor. Dr. Tonnley has been murdered. No. I am afraid Mr. Goodwin is being accurate. He's been murdered with a bow and arrow.

And what does that mean to you, Mr. Lawrence? I'm sorry. I've been a fool. And awful fool. You can't blame yourself too much. If you'd cooperate with the police instead of looking out for your daughter's interest, the man would still be alive.

But I assure you that- Where's the girl? She should be here now. She phoned me a while ago and said she was coming by for passage money to real. You were looking for me? Lost?

Diana. What's a gun down, Angel? An entire rope around my neck. Nighty and cry if your plan is to kill us all, Miss Lawrence. Oh, what yours be? The world was after you for something you didn't do.

Wouldn't you be willing to risk persuading at your event? Thanks, no. I'll skip that chance. Father, get me the money. Diana, sweetheart. Don't make me a part of your murders. Let's ask him too much of love.

Do...do you know I'm not guilty? No, no, Diana, I don't. Yes! Leave that gun away, Diana. Hey! Looks like I walked in on the North. That's him, boss. The guy who sauced me. Take a little of your own advice. Relax, Archie.

What do you want here, Mr. Haynes? I want to give up and try to straighten out this little deal. Mr. Lawrence. Yes? Here's your money back. You gotta write to call me a welcher. I promised I wouldn't give evidence against the girl and you paid my price.

But enough is enough and right here and now I'm unloading. Yes, what does this mean? It means I saw her do it. Stupid lying! It's Trevor! Trevor! Get the perema out of here! What can I say to myself now? What can I do?

I'm sorry Mr. Lawrence, but it's not necessary to eat your heart at many fathers before. You have gotten their best in fear. But I had a special duty to all Diana. Special duty? Yes. I...

Well, you see, you'll find it out sooner or later, so I'd best tell you now. I'm not a real father. I adopted her nine years ago and she was fourteen. I see. I should never have done it.

I realize now that I wasn't equal to the task. Well, well, well, well, it's not lost yet. I mean, I'd convict you, you know. Yeah. I said they may not convict her. How could they fail to convict her?

She killed Garth, didn't she? Did she? She shot him. But the gun was in town with possession. She could easily have stolen that. She could have broken into his office later. later, it wasn't locked. What was the Majora Cappen? I mean, I believe you mean what you said Lawrence, the Majora Cappen? Over the life of me I can't see how you could know whether

it was locked or not, unless you had the experience of opening it. Could it be that you went looking for the gun yourself after town they said he had confiscated it? That you care town with a bow and arrow which you handle as well as your daughter. Because he was just on the

point of telling me that you knew where the gun was and that you were the likeliest murder suspect. You must be mad. Oh, sir, not I. But you are mad and more than a little. You hated where that guy. Because you who were making the marriage impossible, you loathe them and in the end you kill him. How could I have killed him? I did with a secret, Mr. Lawrence.

The priest found cigar ash in the dashboard, tree of the death car. Chemical analysis showed that the ash was from an elodoro cigar. What have you got in your left hand, sir? In my... Another doro cigar.

And in my right hand, a derringer. Powerful and admirable little weapon. I suggest you show proper respect for it by dropping all this here and now. You don't wish to hear me say the rest that you were horribly in love with Diana, your own adopted daughter, in love and hopelessly, eternally frustrated. You begrudge me the triumph

of accusing you of having bride-hains, to let you take his peace at the driver's seat of the limousine, and further bride and threaten him into putting on his show of many pranks and false confessions, to confuse us all beyond measure. You said I love Diana. What I do all this to her if I did.

Oh, but of course as love as yours is really hate. You will continue to see a dead rather than an relinquisher, like all miserly small-hearted men. You would rather kill the thing you love than must of the generosity necessary to seeing it attain happiness.

That's enough out of you? I should think it was much too much. It is! Ah, Gee, my boy, I am grateful to you both for coming back into the house when you did then for being such a good shot.

Hope you remember that next time you feel like insulting me. Hmm. Tell me, what's with that cigar ash routine? Who told you the ashes and the limousine were from an allodoro, boss? I never heard anything about that.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. As a matter of fact, neither did I. No one could possibly have determined the brand by any chemical means in existence. I knew that, you see, and I took the long chance that Lawrence didn't.

Uh-huh. But I still don't get the main spring of the deal. How did you know he was in love with Diana? That, that was genius, I have to admit it. You see, it all hinged on the statue of Apollo and Erry Adni.

According to the Greek myth, Apollo fell deeply in love with the name, but because they were different words, he was condemned to pursue an always and never to catch him. Well, what's that got to do with the price of eggs?

Isn't it, Pervity, obvious? Didn't he tell you that Diana had posed for the Erry Adni? Yeah, but I still don't... And you yourself remarked on the fact that the finished Apollo looked somehow familiar, didn't you, Ajay?

Yeah, yeah, I did. Don't you know why that was? You mean Jaime and Michelangelo and consciously revealed the truth's date of his heart. He didn't intend to, I suppose, but precisely and accurately he chiseled the features that tortured God in his very own innings.

And speaking of torture, Yeah. Where will we be home in time for dinner? Oh boss, you can't be that hungry. Oui, I am good heavens. You realize they haven't eaten since lunch? You have been listening to the new adventures of Niro Wolf, starring Sidney Green Street.

Tonight's transcribed story by Peter Berry was based on the characters created by Rex Star. This is an Edwin Fademan program produced and directed by Jay Donald Wilson. Wilson. In the cast were Larry Dobkin as Archie Goodwin and Gigi Pearson, Ted Von Elstville, John Stone, Peter Leeds and Jane Avello. Next week at this same time, Nero Wolfe and Archie

will bring you the Case of the Brave Rabbit, Don Stanley speaking. There's fun and laughs later tonight when Ed Archie Gardener stars as Archie the Manager in Duffy's Tavern. As usual, Duffy won't be there, but Archie will be there, armed with his own whimsical version of the English language. Another Friday favorite you'll hear later is

delightful life of Riley starring William Bendix as Chester A. Riley.