Have Gun, Will Travel: Ella West

The following program is, Have Gun Will Travel for broadcast December 7th 1958. I promised I'd avoid a gunfight if possible. But it looks as though it isn't possible. I have one bullet left.

You may draw when you're ready. Have Gun Will Travel. Starring Mr. John Dana has Paladin. San Francisco 1875. The Carlton Hotel.

Headquarters of the man called Paladin. Mm-hmm. Go on, Mr. Paladin. Well, at seven o'clock we could have champagne in the lounge. Mm-hmm. At eight o'clock dinner at the Peacock something special. Oh, I'm intrigued, Mr. Paladin.

And, uh, then... A coach ride to Barnaby's for crypts whose ever's only Barnaby prepares the crypts. And after that, he'll occur back here by the fire in the lounge. No. Then? What? No. Oh, hey boy.

Who is this? The mean number one for Mr. Paladin. Sorry, lady, no champagne, no peacock, no creepy suzerines, no liquorous tonight. Why are come? You go. I know, you already packed. Why? Here. Bad news, Mr. Paladin.

Ah, dear lady, forgive me. Hey boy, send an answer to Tom Carter, Abilene. Just say, I've got no trouble. It's no surprise to anybody that the attractive and inexpensive new radios have proved popular. is no surprise it is to anyone who listens to CBS Radio, with so much in the way of music, comedy, drama, variety,

and news coming your way every day on CBS Radio. More than one radio around the house is more than a convenience. It's almost a necessity for anyone who has a daily routine. The man of the house wants to come home to an attractive home and an attractive wife, but household chores in themselves are rarely inspirational.

The smart homemaker is one who refuses let her regular responsibilities get her down. She gets her work done every day, but she gets her entertainment in too. She has a radio in the kitchen as well as the living room. Chances are, she has a portable radio as well, to follow her from one task to another around

the house. She knows why the inexpensive new radios are so popular. And, what's more, She knows the value of CBS Radio 2. You're begging, you're saddling your gear. This is your hotel right here. What's that?

Oh, folks in the Wild West Show hold up in town right now. Most likely, Ela West. Ela West, huh? Yeah. The Star Attraction at Tomahawk Carter's Wild West Show. Ela's kind of frisky at times.

Wouldn't go into the lobby by the subway if I was you. And you wouldn't? with Alec cutting up before breakfast. She just might take it into her mind and shoot them buttons off and that fancy vest you were hitting.

Well, I'll chance it. Well, just friendly advice, brother. I'd like a room, please.

Oh, well, what? A room. My name is Paladin. Oh, well, just a minute. I got, now hold on, Ella. Fun's fun, but enough. Shoot! What the hell are? Fancy vest. You're the spigot of me.

No one else. You don't need a room, boys. He needs lemon squash later on, fancy things. I'd prefer whiskey if I felt like drinking, which I don't. Say, you know who you're talking to. I do.

I'm Ella West. And I can outshoe it out right and out cussing me man here. I can out drink you. I can out chew you. And I can out spit you out. Possibly. Ella, you'll trace a camera.

Tracy, where? Hi, Tracy. Now you're going to let Ella take over your spot in the show. Morning Ella. I didn't see you command Tracey. I don't answer Brie's question. Well, I just might take your spot for two cents.

I'd run you out of town, pony boy. Don't cut your price from me, Ella. Why, you breaking up that boat's back in it freaks around Tomahawk Carter. Everybody, I won't talk to you, Ella. You too, Tracey.

As squabblings got to stop. You find me in the bar. Come on, Brie. Well, that's your thing. Yeah, what was it this time, Tracy? The same thing it always is, Mr. Carter. Well, wrap me in Buffalo hide, paladin!

Hello, Tom, hello. Oh, you're a sighted man, that's a real sight, yes it. Tracy is Mr. paladin. He knew me way back when I was making honest living. Tracy Calvert. I've seen you ride Mr. Calvert, larry me while being 71 when you took the grand prize.

I had a lucky day, Mr. paladin. I got pal out of make. Well, I'll run along Mr. Chris. No, you stick here Tracy. I got bad trouble and I want you to handle it now.

Save your money Tom, I never saw a man you couldn't handle. It ain't a man. That little gal I want gently on the way. Tom, there's one wild thing man will never civilize, woman. And if you mean that one, I'm afraid there'll be no pleasure in failing.

That little gal in there happens to be hella West. 24 years old, she's already more of a name and calamity Jane, Simmeron, Rose, and Belle star are lumped together. I got her in my show, and I got damaged bills to prove it.

And I'm gonna lose my shirt even before I get my show together if something ain't done. You'll lose more when you get on the road. There's a million people want to see Ela West, Mr. Paladin.

Darling, of the frontier, heart of gold, yes, I've seen the ride up. She's fast with a gun, and she can ride like a Comanche. She has to be more than that. Ela West is a legend, Tom, a romantic illusion.

Your audience will expect you to bring it to life. That's right. And instead, you'll produce a repugnant, grimy face, loud mouth-bittled shrew. Well, I don't figure Ella's as bad as all that, Mr. Palette. Oh, how long have you known her?

She joined the show last month. My question was, how long have you known her, Mr. Kalbert? If you don't mind, I'll look in on the stock. Tracy and Ella was raised in the same part of the country.

Learn shooting and riding together. Let him tame her. He seems to have a personal interest. No, dog, gone it. We're over. Tom, Tom, you're talking about making a show horse out a wild mean temperate coat. Now that takes more than taming. It means crushing its spirit, rebuilding it from the ground up. With a horse, the odds attend to one for failure.

I guess I knew one of you so long. I could have made a fortune with her. That's why I want 10% of the entire season's gate if I succeed. You ain't changed, have you? I hope that's a compliment.

He ain't never stealing to ask what you're worth! Guilter's cigarettes can't filter's best! Can't filter's best! It makes good sense when you smoke can't.

Can't filter's best! Of all of the brands of cigarettes can't taste the best! Yes, our rich church tastes and all the rest can't do. Yes, here's Mr. Paladin, Ella. Oh, fancy pants.

You come here to learn you some things. Ha ha! You ain't gonna learn me nothing. Correct. My function is to teach. You will do the learning. I quit. Fair off time. She just resigned. We just up lasted a minute here.

If anyone gets run off, it's gonna be him. Go along, Tom. I'll talk to you later. I'll be in a saloon. Now then. Sit down, Miss West. Mind if I smoke? No! Go ahead. Very light in that cigar now, fancy pants.

That will be two deductions from your wages, the cost of the cigar and the bullet damage. You're kind of a cool one, fancy pants, but you ain't gonna make no lady out of me. First, you're not worth two cents to the show as a lady, and second, that would be impossible in the first place.

Why, you! You took my gun! It'll be less noisy that way. Now, sit down, please. Better. Although your audiences will expect you to be somewhat different from the average woman, they will expect certain fundamental manners, the essence of showmanship is to be different, without being obnoxious.

You're a lily-livered, fancy-talking dude. I'll run you out of town by morning. I believe you made the same ridiculous threat to Tracy Calvert. Him too! Tracy said anything to you about me, I'll kill you.

There's a ring of honesty in that threat, Miss West. However, he said nothing. I was merely speculating. Are we ready? If you've got something to learn me, teach me, then get on with it. But keep your nose pulled in, dude.

Incorrect. I've got to eat, don't I? You don't reach with a fork and spear a slice of bread. You pick it up with your hand. And you never speak with your mouth full. Now it's one thing to act home spun.

It's quite another. Braid. You earn a gun, dude. It's quite another to create revulsion. I suggest you can find your idiosyncrasies to calling the food littles and complaining over the life of a person. I heard you.

Because if you ain't got a gun, you better get one. I'm going to teach you some manners. Stop it. Ellie, you've been tired of this dude for two days. Now you like it or something?

I'm going along because there's money in it. You know an easier way, breed. Yeah. All right, Anna. You say the word when you need me. To breed seems to resent me almost as much as you do.

I can handle breed for you, dude. No need, Miss West. When the time comes, I'll handle him myself. Remember, just pretend I'm a newspaper reporter. Get on with it. Another question, Miss. Tell us about your parents.

My old man was a stinking drunk, and the old lady was worse. You are talking to reporters. Then let him make it up like they've been doing all along. Mention the homestead. Homestead? It was a stinking South pin.

You can ask Tracy Calvert. He was so bad you couldn't believe it. I'm sorry. You wouldn't feel so blasted up if you got brought up like that. like that. You knew Tracy Calvert then? Yeah, I knew him. We was kids then. His daddy had a nice spread of land. You should have seen Tracy's house all painted inside and out with

a fence around it. And Tracy's mall starched up and she'd give me a dress once. My old lady traded it for some whiskey. Now Tracy did a laugh if you'd ever seen me wearing it in I think I understand.

What? About you, Tracy Calvert. Do ya? Yeah, maybe you do that. You're kind of a strange one yourself. I didn't know real man came in fancy pants. But what I mean is, we ain't doing so bad, are we?

I don't know. He saw it like you. Everything I wasn't Tracy was, everything I didn't have, he did. When he was real little, his mom let me stay one night, she come in and pull the cover up and kissed me. I was 16 and he was 18 when he was gonna move away. Maybe he wasn't

grown up yet but I was. I was grown up plenty. I didn't have to trace in a merry and they'd just take me with him. I'd do anything if he would. He could cut me up in the little pieces if he wanted to. Just take me. I never said the same thing since but I'm saying it to you. I ain't what folks think. No man's never touched me.

You take me with you when you go back to San Francisco. I wouldn't be afraid with you. Maybe just kiss my cheek and say something nice. I don't want to be in an old show.

I'm granted no paper. I just want somebody to know I'm alive. Please. No. What's the matter? Look at yourself. You're still that grimy 16-year-old kid pretending she's a man. You don't compete with women because you're afraid to.

Find a man who wants the smell of the stables and ask him to take you away. Reid wants me. Then you and Mr. Reid deserve each other. And he can have me just as soon as he...

Do you see speed laws and other regulations as restrictive? Or do you look upon them as protective? When a police officer writes a summons for traffic violations, do you see him as an enemy or a friend?

Your life may depend on your attitudes. Statistics clearly indicate that where laws are obeyed, deaths go down. It's no secret that emotional immaturity is the major factor in our accident rate. How else but childish can you describe the notion that breaking a traffic regulation is a way of getting away with something?

What could be more infantile than believing one can prove his superiority by ignoring a stoplight? Unfortunately too many drivers on the road subscribe to that kind of emotional outlook. The result is tragic. Almost 85% of all traffic accidents in America are caused by careless, childish driving.

We hope you know our traffic laws and the people who enforce them are there to help save your life. He's a nasty one, Mr. Paladin. How long have you liked? Good afternoon, Ella. I heard you wanted to see me, Mr. Brie.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I didn't recognize your fur. Wherein' them big boys glow. You're carrying your play acting too far this time, Ella. Play acting. I've shot men for less. That's kid talking. We aren't kids anymore.

Shut up, Tracy! You hear the lady, Tracy. Shut up and get up. Me and Fancy Pants gonna settle something. I changed my mind. Reed, I don't want no killing. Honey, we made a bargain. You're gonna keep it all away.

Tracy, take her to one sign. You, barkeep, poor five shots and set them up in the line. Yes, sir. Well, it's this. I promised Tom Carter I'd avoid a gunfight if possible. Oh, you ain't got no choice, fancy pants.

All poured? Yes, sir. Good. All right, there's a piece of you. Now then, Mr. Reed, I have one bullet left. Please, draw whenever you're ready. Well, are you going to draw? I didn't. If you aren't going to draw, I suggest that you find Tom Carter handing your resignation start traveling. Now. Lessons continue at seven, Miss Weston, my room, please be on time.

I got myself some female clothes. Cost more in genuine buckskin. I took a bath. Two. Come in. Tracy Calvert's right. I ain't a woman. I ain't nothing. I'm go if you want me to.

You look very nice Miss. You don't have to say that. It happens to be true. You come off surprisingly womanly in address. Store so many a lot of lations and cross ropes to go underneath.

It is not considered good taste to discuss undergarments. Sorry. The only thing that threw me was my top notch is worse than platinum cap on his tail. I still hate you. Kind of. Kind of.

Now you smile and go here, I don't blame ya. Clumsy and I talk ignorant and I guess a few yards of silk don't help the likes of me much. Wise man, judges by the ladies smile.

I think I felt better when he was plucking my knuckles and telling me not to spear my bread. Golly, that's the first nice thing you said to me. I'm dealing with a woman now. You're dealing with a shaky one.

You'd just be in kind to me. The woman needs kindness only when she has no virtues in her. I wouldn't want you to say anything out of pity. Pity isn't included in the course. Come in.

Mr. Pallard and I were holy, lovely jumping toes. Oh, Tracy. Why are you? Well, I gosh. What's the matter, Tracy? Ella, I've never seen you in, I mean, your hair, your eyes, Ella, you're a lady Ella.

Am I a trace? You sure aren't, I'll kill a man who says you ain't. I'm sorry for what I said to you Ella about not being a lady, but dog, go on it, you've changed.

She changed for you, Mr. Kelton. Huh? She'll tell you herself in time, but she'd like it very much if you just kept that silly look on your face and kept thinking of her as a lady. Oh, I will. I swear I will, honest.

What I do wrong? Did I offend you? No, Jason. No, Jason. No, Jason. No, Jason. No. Don't cry. Mr. Paladin. What do I do now? Take your lady and your arm and use the Kelvin.

And never let her go. Oh, things in Eveline Town with Sathala. In Eveline Town. Things are going smoothly and our things here in San Francisco. Smoothly! Specifically the young lady I never dined with, is she still registered here? Oh yes! Then will you please take her this note until I'm back.

I do it but her husband no like. Her husband? Yeah, he get married two days ago. I mean, but the Spanish dancer registered today. Very nice! Oh you catch you up for dinner? The Spanish dancer? Boy! Hey boy, take that note up to the Spanish dancer with my compliments. Same note? Same note. No one we know of approves of wasting money.

In spite of that, however, we Americans are often guilty of wasting our money by the uses we make of our government facilities. Take the operation of the post office, for example. Also, mostly out of habit, many offices and individuals post outgoing mail at the end of the day.

In so doing they leave post office employees with too little work to do at other times of the day. In addition we forget to include zone numbers as part of the address. In both ways we're slowing down the entire system for delivering mail and adding to the cost of our postal operation.

The problem is simple enough to solve, start solving it tomorrow. If you'll arrange to post letters and packages earlier in the day, and include zone numbers on the return at West, as well as the outgoing address, you'll help our post office operate more efficiently for you, and at less cost too. Remember for faster, more economical service,

mail early in the day and include zone numbers. Have Gun! Will Travel created by Herb Meadow and Sam Roth. He is produced by Norman McDonald and stars John Dana as Paladin with Ben Wright as Hey Boy.

Tonight's story was written by Gene Roddenberry and adapted for radio by John Dawson. Featured in the cast were Virginia Gregg, Sam Edwards, Harry Bartell, Lawrence Dobkin, Lynn Allen and Barney Phillips. Hugh Douglas speaking. Join us again next week for Have Gun, Will Travel.