Fibber McGee and Molly: Why Is Everyone So Nice

The Johnson Wax program with Fiverr McGee and Molly. A makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's self-publishing blow coat present Marion and Jim Jordan as Fiverr McGee and Molly with Bill Thompson, Billy Mills Orchestra and our new vocal feature, The Kings Men.

The show opens with holy smoke, can't you take a joke? At the day office to get out of bed on the wrong side, especially if your bed is right next to an open window.

So here, climbing back through the window in his pajamas, holding his ears against the cold as his wife holds her ears against his language, we find Fivermigee and Molly. That's a dead rat of an architect.

The plan to window right next to a bed. Here, help me get into the window, Molly. Ah, you poor dear. Oh, that dirty thing. Nigee! Watch your language. And shut the wind, it's cold in here.

It's cold right there. Oh, that's a bad right. I'm so sorry, dearie. How'd you happen to fall out? I had a nightmare. All night long, I dreamt that I couldn't get to sleep. What a night. It was terrible.

Well, that's too bad. Hurry up and get your clothes on, dearie. I'll have breakfast ready and a jiffy. And I'll tell you right now, Mrs. McGee. I'm not going to shave today. You're not? No, I'm not, and that's death in it, see.

All right, sweetheart, I don't blame you big. Well, huh? What was that? I said, I don't blame you big. You're just as handsome to me with or without a shave. Well, every other time I want to go without shaving, you say, get in there and shave.

Now, never mind what I used to say. I could be wrong, couldn't I? You could be wrong. Hey, I'm going back to bed. I'm still dreaming. No, no, come on to breakfast. Just put on your robe and slippers.

What? You mean you're gonna let me come to breakfast in my bathrobe? Certainly. And here's the morning paper. You can read it whilst I make the toast. Well, well, gee. Thanks, Molly. I... Hey, what are we gonna have this morning?

Same old Weetsey Bitsies, I suppose. Well, it was you that insisted on our getting the Weetsey Bitsies, dearie. It was? Yes. You said they'd improve your performance at first base. Well, I got a nasty note from Judge Landis.

I ain't the only one either. I'm tired of weasy bitsies, Molly. Why don't we have we cake some sausages once in a while? That's just what we're having this morning. Huh? And I got some genuine Vermont maple syrup too.

Oh boy, Vermont maple syrup. When did you get that? When did you get that yesterday? I didn't see it. Well, you wouldn't have recognized it. It was packed by the Farley Packen Company and labeled Republican Saa.

Dad rat the dad rat. Now what's the matter? I thought that was a pretty good joke. Yeah, but you know how radio is. Now I got to think up one to annoy the Democrats. You really don't mind if I don't shave my life? Not a bit. Not a bit.

Don't want me to shave at all. No, I just want you to be comfortable and happy. Now come to breakfast. OK, wait till I shave. Answer the door, Derry. I want to start fixing the week, Dave.

OK, I'll get it. Who can be around here this time? Oh, have a gee. Good morning. Good morning. Don't give me that cheery good morning stuff, gilder sleeve. You can't be your old sour puss self.

Don't talk to me. My old sour puss self, eh? Yeah, that's very good. My, that's a handsome bathrobe you have on there, McGee. Yes. It is a bathrobe, isn't it? Oh, and that's a neat idea there, using a piece of old clothesline for a belt.

I imagine it's very comfortable. Well, you're wrong, it ain't. It cuts like a knife. McGee, breakfast is nearly rest. Oh, good morning, Mr. Gilded King. Good morning, Mrs. McGee. A lovely day, isn't it? It is not. It's terrible. I never see such a lousy day.

I never see such a lousy day. By the way, McGee. The reason I stopped by was to bring you these ducks. Oh, Doug. Yes. A friend of mine without hunting yesterday and gave me more than I could use.

Here you are. Oh, thank you, Mr. Gillis. Oh, forget it. Forget it. After all, there's nothing like having good neighbors is there. Heh heh heh heh heh. Well, good day, Mrs. McGee. Good day, Pippa.

Goodbye, Mr. Gillis, please. Hey, what's got into that guy anyway? I think he ought to go see a skin specialist. What's the matter with his skin? It's getting so thick I can't insult him anymore.

Well throw them moth-eaten mallards out in the garbage can and let's have breakfast Mike. Well, alright dearie, I'll throw them out right away. Anything you say? Good and I got... what was that? I said anything you say Maggie, you know best.

Oh no, I don't, Molly. Not always. Why of course you do. I do? Certainly. Okay, let's keep the ducks then. No use throwing away good food, is there? No, and I'm sorry I suggested it.

Oh, I'll forget it, Molly. We'll all make mistakes. You're just impulsive. I know. Now come on and have your breakfast. I've got some nice country sausage. Can't we have a minute's quiet in this house?

Here I am half sick with the indigestion, and I can't even eat my wheat cakes and pork sausage in peace. sausage and peas. Ha, here, Sam. I'll see who it is. Come in. Hello there, daughter.

Hello, Johnny. Hi, you fixed for Valentine. Ha, ha, ha. I've got some... I've got some beauties here with Cupids on them, but I advise you not to take them. What's the matter with the Cupids?

Oh, too risque, daughter. Kids ain't breast-decent. Oh. See? Don't believe we want any old-timer. Personally, I can never decide between the comic ones and the sentimental ones. Never know whether to wow them or wool them.

Good, Johnny. And that's exactly the w... It is? Yep. Detailed for detail? Yep. Word for word? Yep. Well, not quite, Johnny. The way I hear it, one feller says to tell the feller, say... Say...

I see where they had quite a cold snap down south. Now, say the dead says to tell the feller, Got to call the Bo-weebles were swapping a beylock cotton for a pound of wool. Say, didn't you get up kind of early today, Johnny?

Oh, no, this is not early for me. I used to get up at four o'clock when I was a bugler in the Army. Bugler, eh? Yep, and a good one too, but do say so myself.

Even got decorated by General Pershing. Now, he was pinning the metal on me, he says, Boy, he says, there's nobody in the Army that knows the bugle like McGee. Buglenose McGee, I was not answering that.

Oh my. Buglenose McGee, the brainiest blower of the battle of Azooka, that ever blew those of Italian-afraid boys to bolt bed and blanket for bath and breakfast, by blaring the bed on the bellows on the brass bagpipes, bringing bravos and bouquets by my brilliant performance of ballads and banquets, benefits and barbecues, and boosted as the vase hogan of the bugle from Mr. Brown's way back in Europe.

What's that I smell? They're cake and dirt. We're waiting for February and Molly to return. I'd like your attention for just a minute. Tonight I have a pleasant surprise for all you good friends who have been buying Johnson's self-polishing Glowcoat and Johnson's paste and liquid wax. Our sponsors have declared a consumer dividend on these famous polishes, a dividend for our customers, which gives you one-third

more for your money. On most dealers counters right now, for as long as they last, you'll You'll find extra large packages of Johnson's, Glocote, and Johnson's Wax containing one-third more than the regular sizes. You pay only the regular price.

The extra one-third is your consumer dividend in appreciation of the way you've been buying Johnson Follishes. This dividend offer is good for all important sizes, pints, pounds, quartz, gallons, and so forth. But remember, dealer stocks are limited.

They'll go fast. So ask your dealer tomorrow for Johnson's self-follishing Glocote and Johnson's paste-in-liquid wax in the extra large containers that give you one third more for your money with him cakes and sausage good

i'm so that that it's tough i could hardly get dressed look at can't even get my belt around me that's the strap off your wrist watch theory oh yeah i wonder what made that buckle tick like that i see a shape to it i didn't want this orson well's guide to get the idea he

started a fad Oh, boy, my stuff. Well, come on, let's go for a walk, Molly. All right, Dilly. Let me help you on with your coat. Huh? Oh. There. Well... My, you look so well at a mackin' off.

LAUGHTER But I guess you're just the outdoor type. Oh, go on, Aunt Mary. Little shucks on it. Hey, where's my other mittin'? LAUGHTER Oh, dear. McGee, if you lose those mittens once more, I'll have to put the string back on them.

LAUGHTER OK, I'll be careful. Let's go, Molly. Oh, my, my, it's lovely. Hey, how's walks of fast, Molly? I'm too full of breakfast. All right. Here, let's hold hands. Oh, okay. You know we ought to do this.

Look, McGee. Here comes Mrs. Uppington. Oh, oh. Look at her walking along with her nose up in the air. She holds her head so high she's got a double chin on the back of her neck.

I'm afraid we'll have to stop and talk to the old cat. She's... Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Uppington? So nice to see you. Oh, how do you do, Mrs. McGee? And Mr. McGee. Hi, Uppington.

What's your limping for, Uppie? You got a Charlie horse? Well, if she has, I'll bet it's a thoroughbred. Well, it's really a result of trying to form a wistful vista-counsel orchestra. Oh, yes. You see, when menstrual meals took me to reclaim some of the band instruments from the...

Oh, now what do you call those queen-to-them novelty stores with a three-big grapefruit over the door? Oh, could they perchance be a hot shot? Kind of, in a way. That's where you go to trade your old ten-carat turnip for five berries.

Oh boy, am I hot tonight. What's that got to do with your limp, I bet? Oh, yes. Oh, really? I'm almost ashamed to tell you it's so ridiculous. Come on. Well, you see, the back seat of my town car was simply filled with band instruments tonight.

Perhaps in a tuba. Extra-cate me. Dr. Mills had to play three choruses of ancient commona. I wish he'd got caught in a violin instead of a tuba. I was all set with a crack about the cats in the fiddle.

about the cats in the fiddle well come on my keep walking on cold we don't know if it's really hard well hello there folks up a little constitutional now just taking a walk so well walking is great stuff all right but that isn't the way i get my exercise oh oh folks in the year nineteen hundred a day a little child was born and as he

titled across the kitchen floor of a modest little home in Omaha Nebraska He saw in his childish imagination a vision a vision of himself as a grown man He's still totalling about a kitchen floor That floor is your floor folks and that man stands before us tonight Harlow Wilcox you take it from there harpow

What in the world are you talking about I was about to tell you how I got my daily exercise Oh, well, how do you get your exercise mr. Wilcox? Yes, Harlow as the Indian chief said to his long-lost brother who we hadn't seen for 25 years because he'd been working in the mint

hoes and for pennies how why it's simple setting up exercises in the morning and brisket canter through the park our soul of handball in the gym and well go on don't you get any exercise delivering those big cans of the oh you know oh yes that too well glad to have seen you looking so well Fiver keep it

up pal we're all proud of you well so long molly take good care of that old fiber boy that guy well as the president says when they ask him about his third term he lies he didn't say a word about johnson's local party didn't did he or how marvellous johnson self-attaching localities for linoleum floor and did

you hear how he talked about me they're proud of me he says old fiber boy well i don't see anything wrong and that we are proud of my Hey, what is all this anyway? What's what?

Everybody being so dead, read it nice to me. First Gilder's sleep comes along. Oh, there, good day, short shop and ship shape. Good day to you, my dear. Hi, Boomer. Looking for you, charming people.

I want to present you with a couple of tickets to the preview of Pinocchio. Oh, how nice. Oh, come off of it, Boomer. You don't give nobody nothing. What's the angle? There is no angle, worm.

Just because I love you, charm. Now let me see where I put those tickets for Pinocchio. Pinocchio Pinocchio. I think it's all a jokey old. Now let me see. Here's a letter from my nephew, Agamemnon, says he would have passed the bar examination, but he flunked and dry martinis.

Handful of crossword puzzles. Ah, yes. I was saving those for a rainy day. Hmm, what's this? Oh, here's a funeral notice of an old friend of mine. Poor lad. He was an expert at telling mushrooms from toadstools.

He thought, yes, oh, here's a neat little stiletto. Hope to play a game of mumbling the peg on a certain party's epiglottis tonight. This, here they are, two tickets to Pinocchio. I'm not at all, my dear, glad to do it.

Always been an admirer of yours and your handsome little husband. Good day. My handsome little husband. Oh, Molly, come on, what goes on here? I'm getting asked the answer out of somebody if it takes all the king's horses and all the king's men.

Are the king's horses here? No, but the king's men are. Oh, oh, that's well. Folks, we present the king's men who have seen a beloved old American classic, the king's men. He played the bank by a slowly long meal.

Oh, McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm he played some gold, E-I-E-I-O. Go VIE IO. 4-4 here in a 4-Live. Here 4-5 here in a 4-Live. Oh Mcdonald had a farm EIE IO.

He used a putter on the green EIE IO. A putt putt here in a pew pew! Here in a 4-Live. And when he sliced him in the rock EIE IO. Cuss cuss here in a cuss cuss there and here cuss cuss there.

Cuss cuss cuss there. You putt putt putt putt putt putt putt putt putt putt. Here in a 4-Live. My heart is scared of hoppin

You're butt, butt, butt, butt, butt Sultan for her, butt, butt Children for her for her, butt ja mother for me and when he saw the sailman there He heard among the mayors I heard moved there in the Crane neck my shot LyAMA Chan turkey Ball that I'm whole early home

Aren't you feeling the better? Shut up why'd you make meat oil Wheat cakes some sausages Marley Oh, I'm such a bad girl girl for you impact Awesome I wish I knew what was going on around here.

They're so dead, right? As much sweetness and light, I'm getting a little suspicious. What's the matter, Molly? Oh, here comes that little girl from across the street, Maggie. Good. Maybe I can pick a fight with her.

Now, Maggie, pick a fight with somebody your own son. Well, she's just about the size of the fight I want to pick. Hi, little girl. Hi, Mr. Hutchydal. I'm taking a walk. Where to? Oh, no place.

I says no place. Not walking anywhere. Well, Jeevan, how do you know when you get there, hmm? Now, listen, sis. Find any mood for a polite chit chat. Now, let me pass. I've got to finish my walk.

OK. Can I take a walk with you, please, master? Who can I please? I like you. No, you can't take a walk with me. This is walk for my help. Oh. Well, remember what Confucius said.

What a Confucius say. Confucius say, quote, man, take a long walk, matter of hell. I don't believe there ever was a guy named Confucius. Me either, I betcha. Huh? Don't you think Confucius ever lived?

No. No. I think he was the little Mandarin who wasn't there, I betcha. Now, don't forget I'm going to... You'll marry me when I grow up. When I grow up, hey, did she say that?

Why, that now calm yourself, calm yourself. We're almost told. I'll tell you what I'm saying. I'm going to throw it for him. I'll throw it for him. Here, Hamlet, give me that stick. I'll throw this to Dad Rad at the farm at the time.

He gets back. He'll be a great, great, great, great, great. There. Go fetch it, Hamlet. Oh! 70 days, Maggie. Look what you did. Broke a wind in Mr. Gilder's leaves house. Well, Dad Rad, it wasn't my fault.

I just threw it where the dog told me to. I just threw it where the dog told me to. You're perfectly right, theory. That dog should be taught not to give people sticks to throw and break windows here.

But just to be safe, we better get in the house. Let's stay right here. I don't give a darn if I broke Gilda Sleeze window. I hope Gilda Sleeze does get sore. I've been just pining for a crossword from somebody all day.

Well, here he comes, McGee. He's sort of good. The minute he lands with his right, I'll cross with my leg. Give him the old Dempsey one too. Ooh! Stop shadowboxing, McGee, before you knock yourself off.

before you knock yourself out. Well, I'm glad I finally got to... McGee! Did you break my dining room window? Well, you see, Mr. Gilder's sleeve... Now let me handle this, Molly. Yes, Gilder's sleeve, I did bust your window.

So what? It was a piece of a shot if I ever saw one. You mean... I'll bet you didn't do it on the first try. Why did you do too, Mr. Gilder's sleeve? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Janet Gilder's sleeve, I did. I tell you. I just took that stick and wound up like this and let her flicker like that. Oh gee, Gilder Sleever, I didn't mean it. That was splendid, McGee. You've got a wonderful eye.

But Mr. Gilder Sleever, that was a stained glass window in your dining room. Why it's rolling. Yes, I know. Shake hands, McGee. If you had a sit at my breakfast table every morning under that stained glass window and see my mother-in-law in Technicolor.

Well, Chuck's guilty of sleep. I bet you can't make a three out of three, McGee. Come on, try it again. Oh, now, wait a minute there. Come on, McGee. See if you can hit that little window up there on the left.

Upstairs. Way up there? Yeah. We'll surprise my wife. She's taking a bath. Oh, no, thanks, Gilly. I'd like to, but no, no, I better not. Oh, scaredy cat. I ain't either scaredy cat. Oh, here's stuff at you too.

Control your energy. The marble season will open soon. open soon. Just send us a bill for the broken winders, Mr. Gillis. Oh no, forget it folks, I enjoyed it. What? Well, thanks a lot, McGee. My I wish I could throw an old stick like you.

That's it Molly. That absolutely does it. Just what, darling? And never mind that darling stuff too, either. I want to know what's got in there, everybody. Hey, Molly. Yes? Look me in the eye. Did you go and buy that fur coat after we decided that it cost too much?

Is that the buy you've been? No, dearie. I didn't buy it. Oh, I guess you didn't. That wouldn't explain why Boomer and Wilcox and everybody's been said that, rather nice and nice. Molly, for the love of my quarters, I can't stand all this stuff. Everything is too pleasant. I ain't used to it.

Please, Molly, what is it? Uh, heavenly days, McGee, don't you know? Why? Why, this is your birthday. My birth. Why don't somebody found these these things? Here's an interesting letter we received recently from a lady in Kentucky.

Since using Johnson's Glokoshi rights, I've decided it should be listed not only under household hints but under beauty hints as well. I could hardly believe my eyes when I beheld what Glokote had done for our grab-looking floors.

It was amazing, this new beauty, and it took hours off my work, giving me more time for relaxation and personal beauty care. Well, it's naturally gratifying to any manufacturer to get letters like that, and the truth is, of course, the product itself has to merit them. That letter was written because Johnson's self-polishing glowcoat actually does do wonders

for drab-looking floors, especially kitchen linoleum floors, without any work of rubbing or buffing. It does save hours of cleaning. It does give more time for relaxation and personal beauty care and it will do these things for you so why not buy a can of Johnson self-polishing glowcoat tomorrow.

I'm not saying the key do you feel any older? No. The only thing makes me feel old is when I think of the wonderful inventions that have been made since I was born.

Art of automobiles, radio, television. I bet one of these days we have television sets right in our own automobile. Oh no. Yeah, imagine driving along in your own car and seeing the Fiver McGee's face right on your dashboard. Oh yeah. Wonderful. Right next to the choke. Good night. Good night off. This is Harlow Wilcox speaking for the makers of Johnson's Wax and

Johnson's self-following Glocco inviting you all to be with us again next to us tonight at the same time. Good night. This is the National Broad Test.