X Minus One: The Parade

Countdown for a blast off. X minus 5, minus 4, minus 3, minus 2, X minus 1, fire. From the far horizons of the unknown come transcribed tales of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future, adventures in which you live in a million could be years, on a thousand maybe worlds.

The national broadcasting company presents Minus 1 1 1 If you wanted to take over our world with a minimum amount of resistance in trouble, how would you go about it? Tonight we'll tell you how with a strange and chilling story by George leopards the parade You are mr.

Sid Ryan the same my name is l help chore Lucha, I am a Martian. Ah, pleased to meet you, Mr. Lucha. What was that again? A Martian. As in Orson Welles? Precisely. I'm a Rotarian myself.

Saddam. Thank you. Now that we've had our little joke, Mr. Lucha, what can publicity associates do for you? I am interested in obtaining publicity. It has been my observation that advertising and publicity are the very backbone of earthly civilizations.

Spoken like a true Martian, Mr. Lucha. Now if you'll tell me the name of the client? The client of course. Will be the Martians. You don't give up do you? Give up? The gag I mean.

Oliver! Yes Mr. Ryan? This is Mr. Luchon. How do you do? Mr. Luchon claims to be a Martian. Take him outside will you Oliver? I am happy to see Mr. Ryan that my telling you I am a Martian has approximately the effect I guessed it would.

I believe we can do business. I have here cash retainer $5,000. $5? All of it. Take a look at that water lettuce. It's the real stuff, Mr. Ryan. And my client has prepared to spend many times that amount.

Sit down, Mr. Lucha. All of it. Get the client of cigar, the 50 cent bar. Yes, sir. Thank you. Well, now, what can I do for you, sir? I wish you to manage a publicity campaign.

A very large and important campaign. Is the product established or is it something brand new? Something quite new. Now, what would you judge the most effective type of campaign? Well, if the client has a lot of dolot to throw around, the suspense campaign is best.

First, your place adds to the paper saying, watch this space. Then about a week later, you run an ad saying x, y, z, or p, d, q, and you get people guessing what it means.

And finally, when you've teased them enough, you bust loose and unveil the product. Excellent. We will conduct the suspense campaign. Of course, in this kind of campaign, secrecy is very important. Once the name of the product leaks out, it spreads like wildfire, and the whole campaign is kerfloppo.

Quite so, quite so. The utmost secrecy. Ah, you realize, of course, these things cost like crazy. Would say $1 million cover expense. Come again. I said, would $1 million cover it? Why, yes, I am at it.

You did say a million. i understood that you have handled some very large accounts of course if this is to be on on on on on on on on matter fact i seldom touch anything less right all of it all of course that's right mister ryan absolutely right yes you will begin then by saturating the newspapers

the radio the street cars with a very simple statement uh... what's that i will right Anacad, here you are. The Martians are coming. Sorry, there's not a bad teaser. Got that all of them? Yes, sir.

The next ad will read June 1st is Martian Day. June 1st is Martian Day. What happens on June 1st? The parade takes place. What parade? I wish you to arrange a parade up Fifth Avenue.

You mean like the Macy Parade? Exactly. Except that the theme will be the world of tomorrow, the Martian world. my client would like it to be a gay affair balloons clowns penance pretty drum major ed say that sounds terrific i might be able to interest the department stores in a tie-in the parade will climax the campaign

on june first the product will be unveiled good enough uh... by the way mister luja just uh... what is the product there what we sell on our mister iron secrecy remember how that the wrong ryan all will be revealed to you in good time for the moment let us say that we are selling a concept

a concept the concept of invasion from our our hotel agency as amis all please and this is a ryan over publicity associates listen sammy how you fix for midgets fine i need forty midgets for a parade forty june first and listen sammy i want to rest in little space you You know all like men from Mars. Okay, and I want some movie extras. Maybe 50 of them.

50. Also rigged up like men from Mars. Make them look gruesome. Got that? Gruesome. Also, I need some horses with pretty girls on top of them. Maybe you can get that bunch from Roni's traveling circus, the one we booked for the Fireman's parade in Albany last year.

I'll try, sir. Never mind the expense. Just get me the talent. It sounds like you landed a big client there. Who is it? It's a secret. I gotta hang now. Call me back, Sammy. How you doing, Oliver?

Well fine, Mr. Ryan, just fine. I got 100 small boys pasting little stickers. The Martians are coming on the subway platforms. Good. We got full-page ads and all the dailies. Good. And 10-second spot announcements on every local station.

Good. It's costing a fortune. Good. The more it costs, the bigger opposite. Spend like you were going to the electric chair, all of a sudden. Yes, sir. How are you making out in the parade?

If it comes off, it'll be the biggest thing since bottom invented the midget. I've got Macy's, gimbals, and sacks to contribute floats. Everything is built around the Martian theme. Even the horses will have long feelers attached to them and funny looking extra legs. It'll be sensational.

That sounds fine only you. Only what? Mr. Ryan, we don't even know what we're selling. Oliver, my boy. You think old Sid Ryan has been sitting here spending all this moolah and not putting two and two together?

You mean, you know who new chart represents? Just by accident, I have learned that century pictures is making a big new epic. One of those expensive pictures they make in secret, and then spring on the public because they don't want the other studios to get the jump on them.

What's the picture? A space opera titled Invasion from Mars, get it? Oh, I begin to see! Also by me a coincidence, it's supposed to have its premiere sometime around June 1st. You follow me? Yes, but Mr. Ryan's Century has an exclusive contract with new features syndicate for all our publicity.

Suppose Century Pictures doesn't like the way new features is handling this stuff. They want to get out of the contract, but new feature says no, so they have to get around the contract. A man named Lucha, client unknown, starts publicizing the Martian invasion.

Did I go further? I don't know, Mr. Ryan. Sounds pretty far-fetched to me, but I don't know. That's what I like about you, Oliver. You're so innocent. Now, let me talk to Commissioner Patrick Lee, Sid Ryan.

Hello. Well, comeish, Sid Ryan. Oh. How are you, Ryan? Fine. What is it this time? You want to drop a man off the Empire State Building into a teacup pool of water? The answer is no.

Also, we're not arresting any fan dancers. You know I don't handle fan dancers. I want to permit for a parade. June 1st, 5th Avenue, it's a Sunday, there's no traffic. Oh look, Ryan. Macy's gets to permit, gimbals gets to permit, the American Legion gets to permit.

The sons of Aaron March, every time Morton Downey sings the wearing of the green. Oh, don't give me a hard time, Patrick, this is too big. I have the fifth Avenue Merchants Association behind me.

Okay, Ryan, fill out the forms. I'll pass them along to the License Commission. That's my boy. By the way, what's the occasion for this parade? Well, don't you read the papers, Patrick? June 1st is Martian Day!

How is the campaign going, Mr. Ryan? Like wildfire, Mr. Lucha, like wildfire. Everybody and his brother is going along with a gag. Yesterday we distributed 50,000 Martian hats to school kids. kids. I got some of the merchants doing world of tomorrow displays in their windows. Every big novelty manufacturer in town is climbing on the bandwagon. They want to get into the

parade with floats, giveaways, anything. Everybody smells a buck to be made. I wouldn't be surprised if the mayor himself declared Martian day. I've even arranged for Commissioner Patrick to accept a $50,000 check for the policeman's benevolent fund from the man from Mars.

Oh, it's terrific, terrific. My blood pressure's up to 200. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Excellent. I, uh, understand, century pictures spent over a million bucks making that space opera. I think, but, oh, calm, calm, Mr. Lucha.

Sid Ryan wasn't born yesterday, you know. I know who our client is, even if you don't admit it. You do? I always think, and that's me. Well, as long as you know, let's keep it to ourselves.

Shall we, Mr. Ryan? As you once remarked, when these things leak out, it destroys the surprise and ruins the effectiveness of the campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ken Bailey speaking to you from our portable transmitter atop the reviewing stand for the much heralded Martian parade on Fifth Avenue.

It's a beautiful sunlit day here in New York, a perfect day for a parade, and the streets are packed with thousands of spectators, all eager to find out what this is all about. There's an air of shrill expectancy.

Some of the kids and their parents have been camped on the curbstone since early this morning to be sure of ringside seats when the so-called Martians passed by. I've just had word from Saul Brown up at Central Park Mall that the Martians have landed from big pink balloons.

And now while we're waiting for the arrival of the parade, we brought some people up to our microphone to tell you their reactions to this most spectacular of all publicity stunts. What's your name, madam? Miss Ada Shackley. A little out of please. Miss Ada Shackley. And where are you from, Mrs. Shackley? Columbus, Ohio. I see. And I see you have your family with you, two

little, fairly headed blonde boys. Are you in New York on vacation? We came for the Shriners Convention with their daddy. Well, what do you think of Martian Day, Mrs. Shackley? Well, it all seems very strange to me, but the boys have been pastoring me to watch it, so we've been standing here two hours.

I can't make a hit or tail of it. Well, either can a lot of other people, Mrs. Shackley. But judging by the thousands here today, there's a lot of curiosity. Curiosity killed a cat, folks say.

Well, let's hope not. Thank you, Mrs. Shackley. Mr. Ryan, sir. Mr. Ryan, sir. Mr. Ryan, sir. Mr. Ryan, sir. Right. Mr. Sid Ryan, ladies and gentlemen, the publicity man who's the brains behind the Martian Day stunt.

Hello, Sid. Good morning, Kenneth. Easy, easy. I'm so close to the morning. Oh, sorry, sorry. Hey, Sid, you've certainly lifted the lid this time. Much like it, doesn't it? I said there's been a great deal of speculation as to exactly what all this is leading up to.

I've heard some folks say it's a big war bond drive. Others think it's just a stimulate local business. And look, I understand in the trade itself, the smart money says you're building for the premiere of Century's forthcoming extravaganza, Invasion from Mars.

Now come clean, can you tell us what the real story is? Ah, I can, I'd like to, but honestly I can. Man of mystery, hey. Are you gonna watch the parading stand here? No, I can, I can't stand noise.

I'm going out to my office and watch it come. Well, thank you, Sid Ryan, and good luck. And here they come ladies and gentlemen. The first units of the big Martian parade, swinging down their avenue with fanfare, colored streamers, music, confetti, floats, all the traffic's in our bodies.

The midgets, in weird looking pink and blue spacesuits, carrying blue Goldberg weapons with signs painted on them. See, I can read one which says, atomic blaster. Another one has a placard reading where Martian threw Georgia.

And here comes the clowns, laughing and falling all over each other. They're giving free sugar candy to the kids along the way. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is a happy, laughing, crowd-long companion today. a true reflection of the great sense of humor and good nature that makes America the place it is.

This is promised as the climax of the show. Now a great hush has fallen over the crowd. Quite a sight to see these thousands of people standing here expectantly, hearing only the great regular sigh of their mass breathing.

And now here they come, ladies and gentlemen, the Martians, marching in booted helmeted ranks, row after row after. This is an impressive sight, ladies and gentlemen, and a rather serious contrast to the rest of the joyous slapstick parade we've witnessed.

There are perhaps 200 tall, broad-chested men dressed in metallic gray spacesuits with thick glass visors drawn across their faces. is holding an ominous looking ray gun at the ready position. They're marching in absolute silence, keeping stepped perfectly as though some mute unspoken command were marking time for them. The crowd seems rather grim and serious now. Perhaps they're reminded of the

actuality of war and possible invasion. They stand solemnly, silently, watching. Even the children are ignored. And now the first ranks of the Martians are moving past us down to Fabb'now toward the reviewing stands of the square. A woman, a woman, ladies and gentlemen, she dashed out into the street for what reason I don't know.

She attempted to lift the visor of one of the Martian spacesuits but just as she reached the Martian she fell forward in a dead faint. The telly I've never felt such mass tension in the crowd as we're experiencing here right now today. All All sorts of rumors have begun filtering back through the audience.

They're excited whispers of she's dead, she fainted. Now an undercurrent of their really Martians. This is an example of how a single incident can precipitate mass hysteria, ladies and gentlemen. I tell you, it's a mighty reassuring sight to see the blue uniforms of New York's finest spaced every 10 feet or so along the avenue.

Somehow, I can't explain it, this incident has begun to work on what was a moment ago, a happy, carefree crowd, and the complexion is changing. Did you see that? A woman fainted. Gosh, I saw it! What do you suppose she saw?

A holliver, old man. Did I ever tell you you were too naive for this business? But that young woman ran out in the streets to get a close look at the Martians, and then she screamed and fainted dead away?

I'm well aware of that, all of us, since I paid her fifty bucks to do it. What? The dramatic moment all over the stock and trade of the good publicity man, were like, Chloe smokes you sure think of everything.

Yeah, for my share of this deal, roughly $100,000, I can afford to think of everything. And shut the window. Don't you want to see the finish? We have it on the reviewing stand for the finish.

Right now I want to make a phone call. By the way, where's Lucha? I haven't seen him. I'll leave you around. Boy, those Martians sure look like the real thing. How would you know the real thing if you saw it all of it?

Gee, I don't know. How close the window all of it? Oh, yes, Mr. Ryan. Taro's telling agency. Sammy, this is Sid Ryan. Say, listen, Sid, I was going to call you. I'm awful sorry about those Martians.

What do you mean sorry the terrific? Well don't joke, Sid, I mean this. Well I mean a tool that great great. Are you in the bag? Never felt better? You mean it don't you? Of course I mean it what is it?

There are Martians in the parade? About 150 of course I only ordered 50 by under the circumstance. Sid. Well what is it? Sid don't you know I couldn't get you a single movie extra. There's a studio strike in New York.

I was gonna call you but I think that. Wait a minute. Where these guys come from have you denied them? I don't know. Maybe Oliver. Hold on Oliver. Yes, Mr. Ryan. Did you hire those Martians?

Oh, Sir Ryan. Sammy, this is on the level, isn't it? Oh, this is it. OK, Sammy, I'll call you back. What's the matter, Mr. Ryan? I don't know. Just don't know. I've got the locate lucha.

What's century pictures number? Mr. Ryan, this is Sunday. Oh, yeah. Well, get me their publicity director, Marty Sanford at home. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah. He drew three. Thanks. Sanford. Marty, this is it Ryan. Oh, hello, Sid.

That's the thing. Fine, fine. Listen, Mike, this is dead serious on the level. What's wrong? I've got the locate lucha. Loo hoo. Lucha, come on now, Marty. This is life and death. The guy you sent over to hire me for the invasion picture.

Invasion picture. Invasion from Mars, the space opera. Are you bad-y? Marty, that picture was shelved last month. What? Sure. Back in the can. Too expensive and too fantastic. The big shots decided you can't sell a Martian invasion to the American public.

And I never heard of a guy named Luke. Mother. What is it, Mr. Ryan? You look terrible. Fantastic. What's too fantastic, Mr. Ryan? Is something wrong? Open that window. I want another look at those Martians.

Yes, sir. Look at it. All of you are in the army. But 150 movie extras learn to march like that and say, 24 hours? Not in 24 days, Mr. Ryan. Not a second hesitation. Not one other step.

The way they carry those ray guns at the ready. The other time I've seen troops march like that was in the film of the Nazi storm troops marching through the streets of Paris. See those chests on them.

That's pride. Cheer arrogant pride. Look at those chins. That's contempt. Nobody could act like that. Mr. Ryan! All of a get down there. Find that woman who faded. Her name's Gloria Montetex. Get her up here.

Make a fast! Mr. Ryan, I can't get what sense how her name is. They're late for me. Gloria, it's me. It's me. You don't get me. You're a Martian. Gloria, settle down. No, you're wearing a mask.

And underneath it's all big green eyes and those feelings like a catfish. Baby snap out of it. Listen, what happened down there? You ran out of the scream like I told you what the painting was in the end.

Go away, please go away. What you see? Oh no please, it's too awful please, please. Just one question baby inside that helmet, what you see? You won't get anything out of her Mr. Branch. She needs a doctor.

Okay Oliver, I've heard enough anyway. You take care of Gloria here, get her a drink. Where are you going? To see the commissioner. We gotta stop this parade before things begin to happen. Okay, Ryan, what's the beef?

Listen, Patrick, I don't know what it is, see, but something's wrong. You gotta stop that parade. I suppose you'd like the riot squad that would get you a front page spread on every paper in town.

Honest you, publicity guys, give me a pay. This may be a matter of life and death. Oh sure, sure. Look, Ryan, I've got no time for your cheap publicity gags. I'm a busy man. Listen, I'm trying to tell you, I don't know where these Martians came from, who they are, anything about them.

All I want you to do is stop the parade and make sure they're on the level. Ah, Ryan, I'm wise to your tricks. If you let the sergeant show you well... You won't do it, huh?

An honest citizen appeals for protection and you refuse... I most emphatically do, now beat it. All right, Patrick. I'll go right to the mayor's office. I'll have you busted flatter than a fried egg! Go ahead!

I'm sure his honor will be glad to toss you out on that phony, nickel-pated skull of yours. The man who's in the room... You heard me, Ryan, you cannot see the mayor! Adolf, please, this isn't a gag.

I don't want publicity. All I want to do is maybe prevent something horrible from happening. In case you don't know it wise, guys, something horrible is already happening. A couple hundred little kids are in the hospital with domain poisoning.

From that only Martian candy you passed out. Or didn't you know? I didn't. We've got to stop that parade. Sure. Sure you'd like nothing better than to start a panic now. Maybe a few hundred people would get trampled to death.

Think of the newspaper space that would get you and your product. I won't stand for this, Adolph. You won't have to because you're going to get out of here right now. Go on, beat it, get out.

You and your publicity stunts make me sick to my stomach. Oliver! Oliver, where are you? Ah! Oliver! Oliver! It is useless. The scream at him, Mr. Ryan. Your friend is quite dead. Lucha!

He wanted to run to the police with some story about a Martian invasion. I found it necessary to restrain him. Restrain him, you stinking murderer! Now, Mr. Ryan, collect yourself. After all our planning, it wouldn't do to have everything spoiled, now would it?

Lucha, stop talking and talk fast, because when you get through, I'm gonna take you apart piece by piece. What's this all about? But surely you know, Mr. Ryan, after all, you've been publicizing it for months.

Listen, you... You're not interrupt. You see, before colonizing your planet, we march and send advanced scouts to study your habits, your weaknesses. We found that the people on Earth are predominantly conditioned by advertising and publicity, And so we can see the idea of treating our entire invasion as a vast publicity stunt.

Never. After all, Mr. Ryan, who would suspect an invader who advertised his invasion in the newspaper, invited the public to his surprise attack and spent millions publicizing his plans. Holy chomping catfish. You've done very well.

Then there was no product. Ah, but there is a product. The product is death. What are you trying to do, Roger? We Martians are humane people, Mr. Ryan. We do not like to destroy thousands where a few hundreds would suffice.

In exactly two minutes our troops will treat the world to a spectacle of death which will bring the rest of your planet to its knees in horror. Nations will clamor to surrender. Perhaps, Mr. Lucha.

Not if I can help you. Yes, please. Operator, this is Mr. Ryan. Get me the field telephone on the reviewing stand of the Martian day parade, hurry. Anyone have been taken? Just hurry. Reviewing stand, Sergeant Cassidy.

Get me Commissioner Patrick. Hello. Hello. You'll have to talk loud. I want Commissioner Patrick. Patrick Patrick. Wait a minute. Things are quieting down. Uh, no. What was it you want? This is Ryan. to the commissioner and it's a matter of life and death.

I'm sorry you can't talk to him now, the Chief Martian is presenting the PBA check. The Martian is going to fire a salute. Listen, you've got to stop him! Stop him! I'm sorry, Mr. Ryan.

You idiot! The words is clear! This is the operator. I'm sorry, Mr. Ryan. You've been cut off. I can't seem to get them back. Does it matter, operator? Nothing matters now. Tonight, X minus one has brought you the parade, an original story written by George Leopards.

Beached in the cast with Joseph Curtain as Ryan, Joe DeSantis as Luchar, Alexander Scorby as daily, Agnes Young as the woman, Ellen Deming as Gloria, John Thomas as Oliver, Arthur Anderson as Sammy, Wendell Holmes as the commissioner, and William Keene as Sanford, your announcer, Don Pardo.

X minus 1 was directed by Fred Way, and is a transcribed NBC radio network production. Next week, the tables turn. Instead of Martians invading Earth, we bring you a tale of men invading Mars. Ray Bradbury's brilliant short story entitled, Mars is Heaven.

Suppose you were a member of the first rocket ship crew to land on Mars, but instead of seeing Martians, you find that you've landed in a town that looks just like home, all your dead relatives and friends are there to greet you, so that is incredible as it may seem you think you're really in heaven that is you think so

right up to the fatal moment. No moment of... Join the Abbotts on another Baffling mystery tonight over most NBC radio stations