Railroad Hour: Anything Goes

Ladies and gentlemen, the Railroad Hour. And from Hollywood, here comes the Star-Studded Show Trains. Tonight, your railroads through the Association of American Railroads present the sparkling musical comedy hit, Anything Gold.

In our Star-Studded Cask, you will hear the host of our series, Gordon MacRae. Two famous guest stars, Margaret Whiting and Victor Moore. And a great cast of Hollywood featured players. The entire production set to the music of Carmen Dragons Orchestra and brought to you by the American Railroad.

The same railroads that bring you most of the food you eat, the clothes you wear, the fuel you burn, and the things you use in your daily life. And now, here is Gordon Macrae! Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is Gordon Macrae helping to bring you another in our series of musical comedy successes.

Tonight, the Railroad Hour Show Train presents Anything Goes by Guy Bolden and PG Wodehouse with lyrics and music by Cole Porter and starring Margaret Whiteing as Reno Sweeney, Victor Moore in his original role of Moonface McGee, yours truly as Billy Crocker, and a great supporting cast including Betty Lou Gerson, Ralph Sedan, Bill

Demling and Herb Beigman. Marvin Miller is our announcer. Our chorus is under the direction of Norman Luboff and our orchestra is presided over by Maestro Common Dragon who is now playing the final spains of our overture.

And now here's Gordon Macray again, this time in the character of Billy Crocker. So from now on, anything goes! A very good friend of mine, the famous nightclub entertainer, Reno Sweeney, was sailing at midnight with the girls to appear at a very slang spot in England.

So I hurried down to the dock to sear off. When I got there, the passengers were screaming aboard, the band was playing, and I began now going my way through the crowd looking for Reno.

I saw her and her girls going up the gang plank. So I dashed up after them and yelled, Reno, Reno! Look, Cook came down to say, boom boy, ah! Oh, Billy, Billy, Dolly, I didn't think you'd remember.

Oh, gosh, I wish you were sailing to London with me. Ha ha, London. Why, I haven't even got the fear to ho-boken. E.J. Kippney's my ex boss again, Reno. Well, what have you done this time?

Well, remember the night I stood you up, Reno? Well, if this is that ridiculous story about being stuck in an elevator for six hours, I don't want to hear about it. Ah, but I was stuck, Reno. There was a girl in that elevator.

Three eyes, maybe? Oh, now, Reno, you know what I mean. I took one look at her and I knew this was it. For six hours, all I did was lean on that stop button and look.

I found out her name was Hope. Hope Smith. That took you six hours? Or you used to get a phone number in six seconds? Ah, but this was different. And Reno, for four days, I've been all over Manhattan trying to find her.

Oh, she was an angel. Well, maybe I saw her. What color are her wings? Huh, we know you, you sound a little sore. Oh, Billy, what's the use of kidding? You know I've always had it bad for you.

Ah, you'll forget all about me in London. Why, monocles will be dropping into your lap like butterflies. Just think of all the excitement ahead. What excitement, Billy? There'll be as dull as a London thought without you.

My story is much too sad to be told. But practically everything Please be totally cold The only exception I know is the case When I'm ice-free Fighting fate and I suddenly turn And see your fabulous face I get no kick from champagne

Alcohol doesn't thrill me at all So tell me why should it be true That I get a kick out of you I'm like that perfume from Spain I'm sure that if I took even one with that would for me too Yet I get a kick out of I get a kick every time you stand

I get a kick though it's clear Obviously a door As I sing this refrain Tender no, Mr. Cole Pardon me, don't let get I get a kick

Well, how can you tell a girl who's that way about you that you're in love with someone else? You can.

Yet you do the best you can, and if the gals are pal like Reno, she understands. Just as I was about to kiss Reno goodbye, a man dressed in the clothes of a minister stepped directly in between us.

He looked and talked suspiciously like a fellow I knew named Victor Moore, as he looked up timidly at Reno and me and said... Uh, uh, would you folks mind if I just stood between you for a few months? Say about 30?

Watch it Billy! Hey Reverend! I was just about to kiss Miss Sweeney goodbye! I want a... But, Brad, you're standing between us. Well, I don't like graphs. I'm supposed to meet a pal by the gangplank here.

He's coming aboard with 50 grand. I have $50,000. You mean $50,000? Yeah, I have four missionary work in Africa. Little pig me. Say, how do you get to be a little pig me? Well, the first thing is, don't go.

Uh, Reverend, pardon me, but your suitcase. Huh? It's open, and I may be wrong, but isn't that a machine gun nestling among your socks? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I must have that catch fixed.

My gang, uh, my parish gave me that gun As a going away present for wild tigers and thingies. Oh, Reverend, you better look for that pal of yours with a 50 grand. Yeah, I suppose, but it was certainly nice and cozy here between you.

Oh, feel free to drop in any time, Reverend. Yeah, and you do the same in my cabin. It's B1. I hope he makes a vote, because I just hate to travel alone. Oh, it's your, it's gone, it's your, it's your.

Billy, take the next boat over. Well, we know there's hope. There is? I mean, hope Smith. Oh. And then there's my job. Well, I thought you said you were fired again. Well, I was, but E.J. said he would hire me back if I found out who controls Bailey's incorporated.

He wants to buy it for $3 million. You've got a hunt for a guy you want to pay $3 million to? Why? Well, it's sort of high finance. Somebody holds a stock that controls the holding company that controls the holding company that controls the holding company that controls Bailey's incorporated. Sorry I asked. I never got past that first

holding company and neither will you. Oh yes I will Reno. Okay Billy. You better kiss me goodbye. Reno. Reno look going in that door. Billy what's the matter? It was hope the girl in the elevator the girl I'm looking for.

Billy you've got to get off the boat. I can't lose her now that I found her. Oh Billy you're out of your mind. You haven't got a ticket or a passport or clothes or anything and what about your job?

Oh, to heck with the job to heck with everything. I'm sailing. That won't go with your boss. Boss or no boss? When you're in love, anything goes. In olden days, a glimpse of stocking words looked on to something shocking how heaven knows Anything goes But authors who once knew better words now only use for letter words writing prose

Anything goes, the world has gone mad today and good's bad Today in blacks white today and days night today When all skies today the women prize today are just silly thingaloes So though I'm not a great promancer I know that you're bound to answer when I propose Why anything goes, why sure, you know Reno way back in the days of mom and pop

Well, I know what you're going to say That anything went from soup to be boss Songwriting used to be so lyrical Now it just sounds so lyrical with that Ooh, bump it up Bump, boy The world's on that today That's that today Black's white today Today, May's life, today, home guys, today, And when the tries today are silly, call me yours.

So though I'm not a great romancer, I know that you're bound to answer when I'm the most. It's plain to see, at the Cali and I. Well, the boat is sail, and there I was in route to England, Standing alone on deck at two in the morning without ticket, Without passport.

Over an hour before I had sent a note to Hope, Asking her to meet me up on deck right away. And just as I was about to give up, Hope, I heard the patter of tiny feet.

Hey, I just got you knowed. Oh, at last I found you. Ever since that night in the elevator I searched for you. I must have phoned over a million smiths. I got nickel happy. Billy, I didn't give you my telephone number for a reason.

Reason? What reason? Our souls touch between the sixth and seventh floors of the Ritz Plaza Hotel. Oh, but there are reasons, very good ones. I'm sailing with my mother and so even in Oakley, my fiance.

You're what? We're going to be married in England, Billy. Now, darling, you can stop all this nonsense about a fiance in marriage right now. It's not nonsense. Family, business, money. You can't know how important my marrying Evelyn is.

Well, you forgot about it one night in an elevator. And you're gonna forget it again because tonight we've got a moon, a very beautiful moon. This is so silly and hopeless. Why I don't even know the first thing about you.

Oh, yes, you do. The first thing about me is that I love you. Why, you've been with me every night since the first night I saw you. All through I delight, all so close to me, With an eye from a heart, For a second meal, the shadows once again.

I can dream I've the wrong kiss me, sweetheart. It's even better than I dreamed. But a dream is all it can ever be between us, Billy. Now I must go.

With that moon shining down on us like that, I hope you can't. Well, I stopped to think twice. Don't think twice. Think once. Then I'll stay. Oh, darling. And then so good. We'll be back with anything goes in just a moment.

But first, here's a reminder. As you know, America enjoys the services of many forms of transportation and finds use for them all. law. But there is nothing in existence and nothing in sight that could take the place of railroads in handling transportation requirements so varied and so vast as those of America.

That may be one reason why General Breyhan Somerville, who during the recent war was in charge of the whole tremendous business of supplying the United States Army, called the railroads the backbone of our transportation system, and declared that, quote, they must be maintained and developed primarily against the day when we should again have to call upon

them to implement the defense of these United States, end of quotation. What General Somerville said about the railroads in the emergency of war is just as true in time of peace, for America's basic transportation runs on rail. And now back to anything goes and Gordon MacRae as Billy Crocker.

All through the night with hope by my side I didn't worry at all. But in the cold, grey light of dawn I remember that I had no money, no clothes, no ticket, and no passport.

I also remember the Reverend Moon, so I dashed below and burst into the Reverend's state room. Alright, now don't shoot, don't shoot, I'll come quietly. Why, what's the matter, Reverend? Oh, it's you. I was expecting someone else.

Well, you said I could use your cabin if your pal didn't show up and... Oh, I'm awfully glad to see you. He didn't show up and I've been very, very lonesome. Well, I don't know how long I'll be here, Reverend. I haven't a ticket or anything.

Oh, I'm fixin' that up for ya. Here's my pal's ticket and here's his passport. That's big of you, Reverend. Well, I am big in this small way. What's the matter, anything wrong? To the passport?

Well, Reverend, I don't mind posing as James Hill, but this picture. Oh, yeah. Well, we can give you that scar with a knife. I can broaden out your nose if you just let me jump on.

Listen, if anybody's going to jump in my nose, I'll do it myself, Reverend. I have a little conflation to make here. I'm not a reverend. Well, don't worry. Maybe you'll be promoted next year. Now, let's see. The first thing I have to have is something to wear besides this tuxedo.

You don't understand. This may be a shock to you, but I'm moon-faced McGee. Your face is fine with me, reverend. Where could I get a suit? I just a minute. I'm a crook. I'm public enemy number 13.

Of course it's just a temporary writing. That Washington crowd has got it in for me. I should at least be number nine. Or well, ten or eleven maybe. Reverend, please, I've got a lot of my mind.

Are you listening to me? I'll blow your head off. Huh? What? Hey, Reverend, don't point that machine guy. I think I should believe I'm on Facebook. This is my old friend, putt, putt, putt, putt, putt, putt it down.

You're my pal, ha, ha, I wouldn't give you away, Reverend. Oh, just call me Doc. Okay, Doc. I don't be afraid I got putt, putt, putt right here in my hand. Come, come, come in.

See, what's going... Wow! Lay that machine gun down, Reverend. Reno. You might as well know, I'm Moonface McGee. I'm a very dangerous man. All right, see you're dangerous. What gives Billy? Well, number one, I've got to get some clothes so I can get up on deck and see hope.

Oh, that's easy. Swipe yourself a sailor suit. There's a dozen of them hanging out in the poop deck. At least I think I mean poop deck. Say, I think I could use you in my line of business.

You always come through, Reno. Let's say, Billy, I'd say you take about a size 40. I'll be back in a couple of minutes. Oh, Doc, you're a saint. I don't say that the public enemy's 13.

It's suppressive! Billy, what goes with Holt? Oh, it's not so good, Reno. She's going to England to marry one Sir Evelyn Oakley. Oh, that must be Mr. All-Teeth and No-Chin I just met up on deck.

Would it help any if I started got next to him, Bill? Oh, would it help? Oh, what a pal you are. Gee, I don't know how to tell you, Reno. Well, don't try it, Billy. Let me.

At words poetic, you're so pathetic That you always have found it best Instead of getting them off your chair You let them rest on express I hate parading my serenading As I'll probably miss a bar But if this delete is not so pretty At least let me tell you how great You are the top, you're the chaliceum, you're the top, you're the lupusium, you're a melody from a symphony by Strauss, you're an ascot bonnet, a sixth through son of your Blanding's house,

Oh, you're the Nile, you're the power of Visa, you're the smile of the Mona Pizza. I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a slob, but a baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top. You're expensive candy, you're the top, you're Napoleon Brandi, You're the purple light of a summer night in Spain You're the national gallery, you're cross-be-souring your cellophane

You're sublime You're a turkey dinner You're the time Of the Derby winner I'm a toy balloon that is faded soon to pop But if baby I'm the fun I'm your You're the top, you're the wildest salad, you're the top, you're the perfect palate.

I'm just in the way as a French with Saint-Etra, you're the top. While Reno and I were busy panning each other in the back, the Reverend Moon had rated the clothesline and came back carrying a sailor suit over his arm.

over his arm. Believe, the only one I could get my hands on was size 48. But maybe it'll give you a sort of a full draped effect. Moon face, I could kiss you. Oh, right here in front of Miss Squainty.

Oh, Billy, you're going to look cute to see this too. Try it on. Oh, I don't care how I look just so I can talk to Hope. What's happening? I'm going to say to this, we may have to shoot our way out of here.

I've got putt, putt, putt already. Doc, put down that gun. All right, hands up, Snake Eyes. We've got you covered. Hello, Captain. Oh, Reverend, good work. I see you got hold of his machine gun and got him covered.

Captain, what's going on here? That man you thought was a friend, Miss Sweeney, is none other than public enemy number one. But this is ridiculous. Aren't you traveling on a passport made out to one James Hill?

Yes. Well, I just received the radiogram from Washington, informing me that James Hill is just an alias for Snake Eyes Johnson. All right, man. Take him to the brig. I just invented Captain. Yes, Reverend.

There's good as every man, even Snake Eyes Johnson. What were putting him in the brig, Joe, but keep him from seeing hope. I mean, having hope. Keep working, Doc. I want you. Moon face, I love you.

It'll be a sacrifice, Captain, but for the rest of the trip, the rest of the trip I'd like you to hand over snake eyes to me. And maybe by the time we get to London he'll be the kind of a man I am.

Well, this would be highly irregular. I feel like a better man already Captain. Well there you are. There's good in everybody just like there's sin in everybody. Are you without sin Captain? Well, now that you mentioned it.

We've all got sinned but we can cast it out. I'm gonna search your hearts folks. You tell them Reno. Do you hear that playing? Yes I hear that playing. Do you know who's playing? No who is that playing?

I it's Gabriel Gabriel playing. Gabriel Gabriel playing. Gabriel Gabriel playing. Gabriel Gabriel playing. Please be ready to go and blow my heart. Gone and blow Gabriel blow But now I'm willing to trim my lamp Oh Gabriel I was low Gabriel That's mighty low Gabriel blow I've seen the light, I'm good by day

And I'm good by night You're low Gabriel Once I was headed below Once she was headed below At the Satan store, I heard you float on your horn once more, so I said Satan farewell.

And now I'm all ready to fly! You've gone through the brimstone and I've been through the fire! And I've perched my soul in my heart too, to climb up the mountain top and start to flow, gay, pale!

And start to flow! All that join your happy band is play all day in the promise land of all, gay, real, gay! Get up your sinners, you're all too full of expensive dinners! Then up on your lazy feet and sing Come on and, oh Gabriel, oh Go on and, oh Gabriel, oh I've been a sinner, I've been a scam

But now I'm with him, I'll give my lamp to flow Gabriel, oh And now we're still far Cause I've gone through the brimstone And I've been through the fire And I've heard to my soul Happy best way of being the promised place

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah I was sure that everybody would give me the cold shoulder when they thought I was snake eyes Johnson in public enemy number one Instead the girls fucked around me up on deck like bees around honey Can you be the guy in there?

I have you, autograph! Mr. Johnson, you kiss me please, honey! You can place your life! There's no waiting over here in mine. Tell us about your early life, Mr. Johnson. I was just beginning to enjoy myself and getting all set to tell him I was born with a silver gap, my mouth.

When I looked up in there, standing me for me was... My sweetheart, Hope, and her charming fiancé, Sir Evelyn Oakley. I say, Hope, what is going on? Nothing of importance, Evelyn. Let's get out of here.

Hope. Clammer, Vellie. No, wait a minute, Hope. I'm not public enemy number one, two, three or four. I'm just Billy Clarker out of a job, out of money, out of everything, but nothing matters, so long as I get the girl I love.

Oh, but that's impossible Billy. Man, throw this imposter in the brick. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes, Reverend. If you want a real public enemy captain, I can help you out. You? Oh, yes.

I'm not a Reverend at all. I'm Moon Face McGee. And who is that? You haven't heard of Moon Face McGee? Why, I'm public enemy number 13. I'd be much higher if it weren't for that crowd in Washington.

So if any of you girls are like a kiss me, I cut off a button or two for a souvenir, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't be bashful, anybody? Men, throw both these bums in the break.

Don't worry, Hope Darling. I'm not going to give up yet. I'll find some way to get out and what's more I'll find some way to stop your marriage to Cerebral. No, too late for that old thing! Our train leaves for three minutes after we dock!

Your train? That's right darling! But it isn't right darling, it isn't right at all, cause... You'll get no kick in a train Planning to marry Sometimes they go Harry the torch As General Somerville said in the speech I quoted to you a few minutes ago, our railroads must be maintained and developed as an essential element of our national defense.

And these same railroads are the main arteries of American commerce. Since the recent war, they have carried more passenger travel, they have moved more tons of freight, more miles, they have gotten more service out of each freight car than ever before in time of peace.

In doing so, they have set new all-time records in the amount of transportation service turned out by the average freight train, all as part of America's unprecedented go-ahead drive toward maximum production and better living. As they're part of this drive, the railroads are spending a billion dollars a year on new cars and engines, new tracks and signals, new plant and equipment of

every sort to provide better and better service for you. In getting these new things, railroads have met the same sort of shortages and difficulties which have kept you from getting all the new things you would like to have.

But the new passenger cars which were ordered during and just after the war are coming into service. More and more each day we are seeing luxurious new coaches and sleeping cars, new dining and lounge cars, new streamlined trains on the rails.

And the all-important freight car fleet is growing. Since the war, nearly 200,000 new freight cars have been put in service, but still more are needed, and the railroads are making every effort to get them.

They have ordered another 100,000 new cars, enough to keep all the car builders busy for a year to come. So, right now, with the years peak movement of freight with us, the railroads are not only working to meet today's needs, but are planning and preparing to meet any greater emergency, which might be ahead.

We'll return to anything goes in just a moment after a brief pause for station identifications. And here again is Gordon Macrae in the character of Dilly Crocker. For four days Moon and I sat on the brig together.

I knew we must be in England but nobody came to tell us. And Moon spent most of his time trying to peek out the tiny porthole. Suddenly his voice held a small ray of hope.

Well, yeah, well, when I'm in the morning, all right, somebody lifted the floor and I can see a teeny, waincy piece of the duck. Well, you better make it a good look. That's about all we'll ever get to see of England on this trip.

I'm really cheer up. Maybe we're looking on the dark side too much. Oh, Doc, the only thing that can help me is seeing hope. The note she sent me is breaking my heart. Now, Billy, don't read that note again.

You know, I cry easy. I've got to read it. Listen, darling Billy, I understand everything but nothing can be done. Oh, Billy, please. I love you, but I'm marrying Sir Evelyn. Forget about me, but always love me. I told you not to read that again.

I got to get out of here, Doc. Somehow, someway, I've got to get the hope. What's that? Right, that's why I'm a sweetie. Well, thank you, guard. Hello, boys. Here's the first cake I ever baked to cheer you up on your way back to New York.

What do we want a cake for at a time like this? Yeah, well, for what flavor is it? Well, it's pistachio. Ah, that's one flavor I can't stand. Well, it's not exactly pistachio. It's more, um, comma-merang orange.

Take the cake. That looks terrible. What's that big lump in the center? Take the cake. We don't want that mouth-eaten piece of pastry. Nah. Take the cake. Hey, you're your time, I'm a dumpling swainy, and I guess you ain't sorry, huh?

Oh, they're just a little stir crazy. That's all. Maybe it'll help if I sing them an old song. We don't want to have any old songs. Well, you're going to hear this one. It goes, take the cake.

There's a file right in it. Take the cake. You'll be out in a minute. Oh, you're quite a dame and you'll win your fame on Earth as a gorgeous spy in the FBI. All the time Moon and I were trying to file our way out of the brig, I was picturing hope in that buck-tooth fiancé of her,

Sir Evelyn, smug and serene in his feudal English castle, getting ready for their marriage ceremony. Oh dear, dear, well, hope I'll go. Now you've seen Oakley Menor in an hour. You'll be the mistress of it. I know, Evelyn. Frankly, I couldn't be unhappy. Neither could I. Oh, you see, old dear. I met a gal on board ship named Reno. We spent a good deal of time in a lifeboat

together. That's all right, Evelyn. You see, there was a boy on board ship too. His name was Billy. Oh! What the fortunate we all didn't head with the same live boat? What? Oh, it's just me. Come on kids, it's alright. Oh Billy, hope darling. And me now.epy, I've missed you on all those lovely teeth.

Oh. Isn't there anybody for me? I've got news for you, Evie. You're not marrying Hope. Oh, fine with me, oh boy. Oh, but impossible and afraid. My Peter and Hope is made out of working on the deal right now.

Deal? What kind of deal? Well, you see, my Peter controls Grayson's limited. And when I marry Hope, he also gets control of Bailies Incorporated. Bailies Incorporated? Hope. What have you got to do with Bailies?

My father left me stuck, the controls the holding company, the controls the holding company, the controls the holding company, the controls Bailey's. You? Hope, Hope Darling, you're the one I've been looking for. Billy, I know you love me, but Evelyn's father's paying $50,000 for that stock.

$50,000? Look, you know what I've got right here in my pocket? Right here I have a contract from Kittney, Kittney, Kittney, and I hope someday Crocker offering $3 million for that stock. Oh, oh, I say, isn't this joy?

Oh, now you don't have to marry me, hope. Oh, no. Is there something bothering you, Evie? Oh, dear. Would you consider becoming Lady Oakley? What, I? I'm just sorry my old man isn't here. He said I'd never be a lady, but I made it.

Well, you know, we might spend the honeymoon in the lifeboat. What? This is all peachy, but I'm wondering if I could use the same hideout you're going to, Billy. I get awfully long to hideout.

Well, you're in England without a passport, and by now I'm probably way up on the list of public enemies. I've been working hard. Well, I don't understand it. I cabled a State Department about you both this morning, but I haven't got an answer.

Oh, dear, possibly that's what this wireless for you is hope. Thought it might be congratulatory and I didn't want to depress you. Oh here. I'll read it Evelyn Yep, here it is temporary passport granted William Crocker anything about me, buddy Yeah, yeah, there's something about you to doc pretty bad Go ahead, wait it tell me it says moon face McGee off public enemy lists entirely not wanted anywhere

absolutely harmless Let me say that. I just don't understand this administration. Well, don't worry, Doc. Hope and I want you to be best man at our wedding. Oh, oh, night is well-naked at double wedding!

What's up? Well, fine. I've been putt-putt and making a double-barre machine that wedding. Oh, oh, darling, we're gonna be so happy. And again, my ladies and gentlemen, this is Gordon McRae getting his festival to thank so our two guest stars this evening, Ms. Margaret Whiting and Mr. Victor Moore, and to

the other members of tonight's cast for their fine performances in our production of Anything Goals which was adapted for radio by Don Ettinger. Next week, our star studded show train will arrive in the same tracks at the same time.

On board will be the Metropolitan Opera Star, Ms. Reese's Stevens. to Fortunio Bonanova, and we have also invited Mr. Adolf Maju to join me in bringing you the famous Jerome Kern operator, the Captain the Fiddle, with our chorus under the direction of Norman Louboff and the music arranged and conducted by Carmen Draghi.

Well, it looks as though we're ready to pull out, so until next week, goodbye. And friends, remember, during the coming week, as always, the American rurals will provide for you the dependable low-cost transportation which is so essential to the American way of Anything goes has been presented by Special Arrangement with Tam's Whittmark Music Library.

Gordon McCray appeared on this program by Arrangement with Warner Brothers. This is Marvin Miller speaking. The railroad hour is brought to you each week at this time by the Association of American Railroads. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company.