Guest Fred Allen (AFRS)

The Jack Benny program. Jack Benny with Barry Livingston Rochester, Tennessee, Bob Cross, Maine, yours for late on. Ladies and gentlemen, right now Jack Benny is in San Francisco, California, where he's making a personal appearance at the Kern Theatre.

So let's go backstage where we find Rochester in Jack's dressing room. There's no business like show, business, there's no business I know. Every time they sell another ticket. Mr. Benny's blue, I start to glow.

But when he looks and sees a seat that's empty, the little teardrops face start to glow. There's no business like show. Uh-oh, look what time it is. Mr. Benny will be off stage in a minute.

I'll put everything he needs on his dressing table. If I'm doing it, there's the cold cream for his makeup, a washcloth for his face, a brush for his suit, and a cone for his morale.

Let's see. What else? Oh yes, his glasses. He always puts them on when he comes back to the dressing room. I wish he'd forget his pride and wear him on the stage. Yesterday, it did two shows with his back to the audience.

That wasn't so bad. But when he took his bow, what a target. Even the magic ran up and kicked him. I haven't seen that many people on stage this poor body. I guess I better lay on a clean shirt for him.

White one will be all right. I know Mr. Benny isn't a spin-trip, but I do wish he'd buy real cufflinks. Imagine putting a toothpick through the cuffing, sticking an olive on each end. This even amazed me and I've been waiting for 15 years.